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Punishment Issues

Pantera's picture

Wednesday morning SS10 hocked a lugey into my hairbrush before I went to use it. Every morning he uses the brush and puts it away, and then I use it. Well the brush wasn't in the drawer, no biggie, I checked the hall closet and it was there half hidden under a wash rag, ok. I look into the brush and there is what I thought was hair gel, so I started cleaning it out with my bare hands (I was in a rush) and it wasn't the consistency of hair gel so I smelled it, IT WAS SS10'S FUNK BREATH. I knew immediately what had happened and after I was done gagging and washing my hands, I confronted him (since Dad goes to work before we wake up). He said he didn't spit in the brush and then said it was an accident, that he drooled into the brush and then he said he didn't know why he did it. I was livid. He did not apologize, just stood there blank faced. I was crying at this point (I am not a crier) and I asked why he does these type of things to me all of the time. Of course he says he doesn't know. I said 1 thing I shouldn't have said and it was "Ya know what, Im not your mother and I don't try to be, but Im going to start acting like your mother, than I won't have to do crap for you". Nothing, the child had no emotion. So I called my husband and he was busy at work and said he would take care of it. So SS goes to leave for school and comes over like nothing happened and is like "Bye Pantera" (in a nice, everything is rainbows and butterflies tone) and tries to hug me. I didn't hug him, said bye and walked away. WTF???!!!

So DH calls me on my lunchbreak to make sure I was ok. He knew I was upset and he never does this so I know it was genuine. He said he would take care of it.

I go straight to the grocery store after work. I am shopping and DH calls. He goes off about how he punished SS. Spanked him, punished him until Sunday (no tv, friends, or DSi), and said he couldn't go to the amusement park with us on Saturday as planned. He said that SS said he does this because he is sick of everyone telling him how much better I am than his Mom. DH tells me that I need to stop doing that. BACK THE F*** UP. I NEVER EVER EVER say anything bad to SS about BM. I did tell DH that I did say something about BM that morning AFTER a lugey was spit into my brush. DH gets mad at me, tells me he's frustrated and doesn't want to talk. I think its because he had to discipline his child. I get off of the phone.

I get home and DH and SS10 come out to help unload groceries. DH has this attitude towards me. We all get in the house and I grab DH and just cried. He told me to go lay down and he'd be in. So him and SS put away groceries and I can hear him talking to SS but I couldn't hear what was said. DH comes in and tells me the punishments again and tries to comfort me. I tell him that I can't figure out why SS would do that to me. I told him about the night before, I let SS pick out dinner, gave him back his DSi (he was punished to taking a razor to the bathroom wall again on Sunday), he talked to me about his BM and I took up for her because SS was saying some things that he shouldn't have, DH butts in and looks at me like Im crazy. Apparently SS gave DH the impression that I was being mean the day before and also left out that I gave the DSi back. So DH was pissed. I am just exhausted because Im like WOW you let SS manipulate you again and you got mad at me. So then he asks me to tell him about how I found the lugey in the brush and I tell him the story and how it was hidden under a washcloth and he leaves to talk to SS again. Apparently he believed SS that it was just an accident. If it was an accident, it would have been cleaned out. Then I ask DH what I was saying about BM in front of SS that was making SS mad. DH goes on to say that he was asking SS questions and SS was going along with them. Ok, good, coach your child to tell you what you want to hear so you can blame me for everything.

Last night I come home from work and cook dinner. SS and DH come home and DH and I get to talking and I notice SS is no longer punished (Im livid but whatever), so I ask DH if he found a sitter for SS while we go to the amusement park and he says no. I let him know that it was Thursday night and he might want to get on it. He says he was kinda trying to give SS a chance and told SS on Wednesday that if I said SS could go, he could. It gets tense. WTF???!!! Are you kidding me???!!! No wonder the kid is targeting me. You couldn't have balls and just punish him? Why is it my f****** job? Why am I always the bad guy? So guess what...SS is now going on Saturday because I don't want to be the target anymore (I told SS he could go at dinner and SS had no emotion and didn't even say thank you). And guess what...DH was all rainbows and butterflies after dinner, because he didn't have to punish SS and SS gets to go. I went out with a friend for drinks.

DH thinks everything is ok. This happens all of the time. My SS is targeting me. My DH doesn't want to parent. I am so angry, frustrated and exhausted. Oh and on top of it, DH thinks that SS is ok, SS doesn't need a mental evaluation.

Comments

Mich811's picture

honestly, i don't know what to say. this is a terrible story. it sounds like DH has a lot of responsibility here, too.

Pantera's picture

I completely agree that DH is responsible. But SS10 is a hot mess and has been since I've known him (probably due to the lack of discipline from either of his parents). The thing is (I posted in my last blog), I think SS10 has some other mental issues other than having ADHD. I am nervous about continuing my relationship. I just needed to vent. I know what I should do, but I love my husband.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Mich811's picture

i truly agree. a 10 year old spitting into a brush...to me, that seems like something is VERY wrong.

herewegoagain's picture

LOCK YOUR STUFF...solve the problem. My DHs kid was NOT allowed to use ANY of my stuff...and well, I don't like to share ANY personal items with ANYONE...I never even shared clothes with my sister growing up because it grossed me out...so it wasn't just me being mean.

Pantera's picture

See, people have said things like that before. I shouldn't have to lock up my stuff. The child is 10, not 2. He knows right from wrong.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Pantera's picture

HAHAHA. Lugey in the cheerios. Im telling you. Its getting scary.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Pantera's picture

That is the problem. Dad does't follow through with the punishments.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Pantera's picture

I have fought fire with fire before and it doesn't work, SS just gets angrier.

EX. Last year he rubbed toothpaste (like a half a tube) all over the back of the bathroom door, so I rubbed toothpaste all over the back of his bedroom door. It just made him angry. He didn't learn from it at all. Thats just my favorite example. We have tried this with everything.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

SteppedInIt's picture

While I agree that locking up your stuff will probably avert future problems (I keep our bedroom door locked when we go to work), it's also about having the skid respect what is in the house (whether it's yours or your DH's). I don't know why these guilty fathers allow their home and its contents to be trashed and then say "kids are kids". That works when they're 4, not 10. By 'forgiving' him and removing punishments your DH is definitely trying to look good in his son's eyes while throwing you under the bus. I have been undermined like this before and have a hard time getting over it.

Pantera's picture

You hit the nail on the head!!! I am still angry and DH and SS10 are in lala land where everything is dandy. I don't know how to stop being angry. I have so much pent up inside its ridiculous. I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I would like to give them both a whack on the back of the head!!!

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Pantera's picture

I agree with you but why should I miss out on the fun? My stepmom and little sisters are going too. I am so pissed that I was put in that position and on top of it I am pissed that DH and SS are fine and I am still angry.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Pantera's picture

See Vick, you done brought up some memories now, lol. 3 years ago we were supposed to go to the same amusement park and none of us ended up going because SS was acting like an ass and DH punished him and followed through. To be honest, the only reason DH probably followed through was because I don't think he really wanted to go. Why should I have to miss out again? GRRRR....

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Rain's picture

OMG…that is just awful!! I don’t think I could handle that. I know my SS is a turd, but I really don’t think DH would let him spit in my stuff. Yuk!!!

DH would however. Be a big wuss about the grounding also. SS has been grounded over and over and I bet the longest it has ever lasted was a few hours.

Your situation is terrible. I feel for you. Maybe if you step back. Why would you share your brush with this boy in the first place?

Pantera's picture

I have stepped back, thats the thing. And it is because he directs his anger at ME. I don't know what to do.

I didn't try to share my brush. He just started using it and it didn't bother me so I never stopped him from using it.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Rain's picture

Good Lord. I just read some of the other stuff your SS has done!!! Wow. You have hung on longer than I could have. I have no clue how, but you have to make your DH realize that his son is a wackadoo.

Imagine what this kid is going to do to you when he hits 14 or 15 years old. I shutter the think about it. Sorry,

Mich811's picture

honestly, pantera -- i just read your other blogs about his behavior. i really think that some of his behavior sounds sociopathic -- the lying, the weird flip into "good boy" mode, the pretending to not understand why he did something...

do a bit of research on sociopathy in children and see if some of it is sounding familiar. i hope i am wrong!