anyone deal with infidelity?
so i have this 'friend' who needs some advice. 
this dh had drunken sex with this friend's friend. obviously she wasn't really a friend but whatever. so my question is, how do you know whether you should stay or you should go? she has technically stayed for four months now and she hasn't really gotten over it. i mean, how do you? just curious if anyone has any experience with this sort of stuff. and if anyone needs more details, i'll ask my 'friend.'
haha.
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ahh, but that is the question
what if my friend is always the one working? always the one breaking a sweat? she tried counseling and things seemed to be getting better, but then dh stopped going. she heard all the pretty words but none of the action, and over the course of this 8 year relationship (2 year marriage) there have been so many issues...
how did you KNOW? did you separate. my friend has been staying with another friend b/c her dh has nowhere to go...
always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
I can't say that I have any
I can't say that I have any experience in this department, so keep that in mind. It's a whole lot easier to give advice than it is to take it. My gut tells me that getting drunk and having sex with the wrong person is no excuse, kick his sorry ass out. But if this happened to me... I just don't know. There's more to that decision than just the infidelity. There's living arrangements, moving, finances, history, future... there's just so much to weigh. You can't make a decision like that based solely on this one incident and be at peace with your decision. In the past, when I've been on the fence about staying or going, I've always made myself sit down and write out a list of pros and cons. I've also made lists of his good and bad qualities. Sometimes this can help put things in perspective so that you are making that decision from a place of careful thought and evaluation rather than as a reaction to being hurt. But whatever you decide, I don't think counseling is a bad idea. My mother found out my father was cheating on her after 18 years of marriage and she threw him out. But my grandmother and my grandfather were married for over fifty years, even though she knew he had cheated on her very early on. She wouldn't trade those 50+ years for anything. Only "your friend"
can know for sure which path to choose after a lot of careful evaluation.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
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Google marriage rebuilders I
Google marriage rebuilders
I think it is marriagerebuilders.com - good website
My experience - especially i you know those involved, it takes a LOT to ever trust the person again and forgive and move on. It may be that every time he takes a drink or goes out with friends - you fret the whole time. I have been on both sides of the fence. In my situation, it didn't work out. He's a great dad and we don't use our daughter to get back at each other for our indescretions but that took a while.
i do know what i want
it's just hard, that's all. we've had so many other issues and on my list of pros and cons, the cons outweigh the pros. it's just so hard!!!!! 8 years, no children (thank god), and lots of shared shit. but i can do this. thank you all. you haven't heard the last of me.
much love.
always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Eight years is a lot to invest...
...but think of the years you have yet to live. You're strong. You'll make it!
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
I have not
dealt with it direclty but my DH did. His wife was a druggy and was high one night and "found herself in bed with another man." She never told him until about 6 years later when she left him. All the while making his life a living nightmare because of the giult she felt. He was going to try and reconcile until he found out the truth and as soon as he did, he said he could no longer look at her. He hates her more than anything. of course, she has done lots of things since the divorce to make his feelings worse but that was the kick starter. I hope your "friend" can come to terms with what happened. He could not handle the deciept. Good luck!
Touchy issue. Being so drunk
Touchy issue. Being so drunk you didn't know what you were doing is a stupid excuse. if you were so drunk you that your brain wasn't functioning, then neither would your nether regions. Tell me, and i'm sorry to ask this, did he use protection? Because if he did, then he was coherent enough to practice safe sex, meaning he knows right and wrong, meaning that he wasn't that drunk. If he didn't, then he put your life and health in jeopardy, as well as any future kids you guys might have. I have had to deal with this issue, stuck around for a couple of years, heard some more stuff, and left. The trust almost never comes back. And why are you the one that had to leave. He screwed up, he can deal with the consequences. He should have thought about the fact that he had nowhere to go before he cheated. And he should have never been in a situation that is conducive to cheating. Was he at her house without you there, did he bring her to YOUR house without you there, or what, you know?
Daddysgurl:
Daddysgurl:
Trust me...counseling probably would not have helped. You did the right thing. Don't think "what if".
d
d
Cheating...hmmm...
Well, I have been cheated on... it is a painful thing to deal with no matter how 'solid' the relationship is. And no matter what the effort, I have to agree with Anonymous on this one. I was with my ex for 6 yrs. I gave him many 'shots' and excuses. If there is no commitment, there simply is no respect or relationship. Now, one time affairs, I can possibly be on the fence with that, and know that trust and faith can be rebuilt, but it's a slow process. If it's repetitive... let 'em go.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Just my opinion....
and some if not most, will probably disagree but I have seen so many people who were going to change and because I gave them the benefit of the doubt, I was burnt everytime. Really mate, people do not change.
I know most people are saying, people can change! Yes, you can change your behaviour but at the end of the day, you are who you are on the inside and that isn't changable, you will always be who you are when out of eye shot. If you forgive him, you will never forget and you will both live a life of misery, you trying to forget and he trying to make it up to you, or not.
I don't know about you, but think about a time you were truly in love with someone...did you ever want to cheat on them? When I am in love, George Clooney couldn't get me in bed after a few bottles of red and that's saying something!!
This is just my opinion and I mean no disrespect as I am sure your 'friend' is finding this truly heartbreaking and a very hard decision, but asked my opinion on cheating...this is it. I wish you all the best, oh and your friend
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
thank you all
i'm going to respond in general to everyone's comments. this drunken encounter took place at my friend's house, on their couch. this nonfriend ended up getting too drunk to go to this party so we left her there, not thinking in a million years something like that would go down. as far as she knows, dh has never cheated on her but he has definitely had lies and deceit revolve around him. my friend tried to leave him 3 times over the years, but she always stayed because she loved him. she is loyal to a fault and even though it really really really hurts and really really really sucks, she does believe a good long break is in order. please keep her in your prayers.
p.s. he's not a bad guy, he's really not. he just has a lot of issues he needs to work through and she is tired of sacrificing herself for him. she needs a partner, not a son.
thank you all.
much love.
always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.