I can't believe that this is my life. (LONG)

We don't know if it was yesterday morning or Tuesday night, but SS10 had his fun with the bathroom tiles again AND broke a pair of metal tweezers in half. I WILL REPEAT MYSELF...I think he needs to be evaluated and needs to be back in counseling. This child is so freaking angry. My DH refuses for some reason and it pisses me off, you'll see why in a minute. I tell DH about the situation (since DH leaves before we wake up). I should have handled it better but I snapped. I asked SS what happened, first it was he was getting a splinter out, then the tweezers just snapped apart, then he said he broke them but didn't know why. I didn't even get into the tile thing because apparently nothing is stopping him from doing that. I was screaming and SS didn't care at all, so I went in SS's room and took apart one of his lego sets, then all of a sudden he starts balling his eyes out (Im relieved because there is so emotion for once), I screamed at him to stop crying and told him that we don't cry every time he breaks our stuff or messes up the house (not like being a slob, destroying the house by taking a razor to the wall or rubbing toothpaste everywhere or rubbing stuff on the walls, ect.), then I told him that what I did was temporary and he could fix it, but I couldn't fix the tweezers. I have had it, I don't know what to do any more. It may sound really small to freak out over, but this stuff happens on a daily basis (sometimes more than once a day), its not like once a month or something. ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!

So I text DH that I think SS needs to be back in counseling and asked when he plans on getting him evaluated (because DH promised to get an evaluation done after SS spit a lugey in my brush). I sent the text around 9am. I get a response on my way home from work (5:05pm) saying SS "is not to talk to you unless you talk to him, thats it". So my heart drops and Im thinking WTF. I pull up to the house and DH is on the porch. So he asks me to sit down. He actually said that he can't stand his child and doesn't know what to do anymore. He said he wants to send SS back to BM. Then says he wants to send SS to stay with DH's Mom the whole summer. DH said he wanted SS to know what his BM is really all about and that he wasn't sugarcoating anything for her anymore. Im not sure what was said between SS and DH but apparently something was said because DH told SS that I wasn't his mother, wasn't trying to be his mother and told him that I was not going to do anything for SS anymore. He told me that SS did not deserve anything from me. He said he told SS that it was horrible that SS is mad at me for doing things that his BM doesn't do. I did not ask what was said because this is huge coming from DH. DH asked me how I felt. I told him that I was sick of putting my life on hold and that I was scared of SS and that the reason Im not pushing for a baby anymore is because I am scared of what SS would do to the baby. I said I hate coming home to my dog and not a family. I told DH that we could have had a family but SS won't let it happen. DH said that he would have a relationship with me and a relationship with SS and thats it. SS and I don't have to have a relationship. I told DH that is ridiculous and unhealthy for all of us and I can't stand the separation already. DH looked me in the eye and told me he knows this relationship is literally killing me from stress. I told him I was still here because I love him but don't know how much more I can take. I said I wished everything was normal and DH said it will never be normal because SS isn't normal. OK, WTF, if you know something is off, why aren't you taking him to get help???!!! DH's friend stopped by so we stopped talking and didn't talk for the rest of the night. DH wasn't mad at me, I just left him alone because I think he needed some time to himself. I already feel I have 1 foot out the door and it really sucks because DH are doing really great lately. DH really has stepped it up with SS and Me. I am just so stressed, confused, and sad.

Pantera's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

This sounds a lot like my

This sounds a lot like my life before STBX found an exit in another woman.

You need...

to find out what's best for you. To figure that out and follow your heart. Before your H decides for you. My H and I used to have these kind of conversations, and in the end another shinier woman led him to believe that a better SM was the answer for SD.

It's a painful rejection after all I've tried to do.

So decide Pantera...what would make you happy. That YOU can do all by yourself with no contingency that DH does anything. Because he can't make you happy. And SS is killing you slowly. I have walked in those shoes, though the behavior wasn't as severe it was still physically and emotionally draining.

Hugs,
S

DH has admitted in the past

DH has admitted in the past that SS will never let him be happy with another woman other than BM. I am starting to feel that a better SM is the answer. My household is so crazy that its making me feel crazy (does that make sense?). I know what would make me happy but it isn't realistic. Thanks Sita.

"I am starting to feel that a

"I am starting to feel that a better SM is the answer."

Don't tell him this whatever you do. I trusted my H with my vulnerable feelings and I think I planted some seed in his head.

I really do watch what I say.

I really do watch what I say. I would never say something like that to DH. I try to say what I mean and not say things out of anger and hurt. Thanks for the advice.

BTW, you didn't plant any seed. Don't blame yourself.

It's so weird though. We

It's so weird though. We talked so much about infidelity due to my past as an OW. I would share with him how those I knew who made it to marriage, often have a ton of guilt, baggage, etc that weighs down the relationship. And ironically when we were first together - serious already but early in our relationship- I shared with him about the affair, about how painful it was be the OW in my situation, about my guilt, my fears of Karma, etc. He asked me only if the MM ever expressed remorse for what he put me through. I said he did.

Now here we are all these years later, and my H has not expressed remorse to ME for what he's putting me through with his affair and leaving for the MOW.

And there were times when SD was so connected to my SIL, who's a former cheerleader, who runs all the time, who likes shopping and Twilight etc...that I would tell him maybe it is ME. Maybe we don't fit. I have to find a way to connect with SD in the ways she NEEDS me instead of being so hell bent on making her fit to me.

And he picks this career driven, walk on anyone to get what she wants in life, marathon running woman to cheat with and leave me for.

You don't know how many times I wish I had a better edit button. How much I realize I trusted him with the very soul of me and he was taking mental notes to justify his behavior.

I feel like 6 years of my life was wasted on him.

At least I no longer feel that way about my SD. I think now that we have made up that she will retain some of the love I showed her, even if she isn't good at that kind of bonding.

I worry about her still. She says she doesn't believe in marriage, in family, in having children. He has no idea what nails to the coffin of her relational issues he's putting in now. None. If he would have at least tried to fix us she could have witnessed that process. But just bailing?

She now thinks no man is capable of commitment, honor, etc. And her mom's bailed on her all the way to CA. Her dad's so infatuated he involves her in the affair by forcing her to spend time with the MOW.

I am so confused as to who this man is. I wonder how much of me he tried to mirror to gain me in the beginning. Because there's nothing there now. He's totally self absorbed and cannot see any big picture save the fantasy he's painting regarding himself and MOW.

I am so sorry you had to go

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I fear that I am wasting my time if I stay. For the first time EVER, DH was sincere about him wanting me to stay. In the past it seemed he couldn't have cared less if I left. I feel that maybe it is ME and that I need to leave. I just can't imagine living my life this way forever, but I also can't imagine my life without DH. I am just so sad and confused.

I am trying hard to remember

I am trying hard to remember that I was feeling this way right before he made his announcement. But... I also know he was disconnected from me, I was overwhelmed with my illness, BD4's illness, SD's issues, and my sons' issues at their dad's. STBX wasn't there for me, but when I tried to tell him how I felt about that he turned on me and I think he really thought he could be there for me while bonding with another woman (messed up thinking happens in affairs.)

So was I really ready to throw in the towel? Or was I reacting to his cheating before I knew what was happening.

My H never told me he for a minute doubted we'd make it. I told him plenty. I think that he interpreted that as MY not being vested. I was just concerned that we needed to find a solution. So he decided to make me an offer I couldn't refuse- get out I don't love you anymore I love her.

Pantera....find yourself and your answer. It's the only way. Don't vest yourself in what they need right now, or it may be a wasted effort.

Hugs.

Thank you so much. We are

Thank you so much. We are completely disconnected and have been for a while. DH actually said that splitting up is the last thing on his mind and isn't an option for him, I admitted that I wasn't sure that I could handle it anymore. I think he knows how serious I am, I wasn't ready to go the last time I left (apparently because I wouldn't be here now). I have put so much into this relationship, DH just started trying at the beginning of April. I do need to find myself and have been saying that for 2 years. Maybe a separation is what we need. I know most end in divorce but if its meant to be it will be. I am just so drained emotionally and physically.

I am so pleased that you have

I am so pleased that you have at least communicated to him your feelings. My STBX never did, and it's held up my healing. If he is sincerely trying, then I think you should give him a chance. I would have given anything for that chance. To know I mattered so little as to not afford me one conversation that he was thinking of splitting up? Has wounded the soul of me.

That being said what I have always offered as advice to women who are struggling with to stay or not to stay, is to seek out what fulfills you. If he loves and supports that then you have a lot of answers right there. If he clings or is angry or jealous at what you are doing? There are answers there as well.

Good luck Pantera.

You are right, I can't

You are right, I can't believe that he is not willing to make him go see a professional but yet is willing to send him somewhere else or prevent you two to have a relationship. At least he is on your side and recognizes that his child is not normal. Try talk to him about it, tell him that you think the child will benefit from a professional's opinion and maybe with therapy he will be better and you can all at least coexist peacefully. Good luck.

I have tried to talk to DH

I have tried to talk to DH about therapy. SS was going to a therapist but she wasn't helping us or giving us answers so SS stopped going. DH was supposed to find another therapist but never did and when I bring it up he gets defensive. I think therapy for all of us would be beneficial (individual and family). I think DH might be scared of what an evaluation would tell him. A few weeks ago DH said he would like to think his child isn't that f'd up. He knows something is wrong, I just think he doesn't want to see it in writing.

At least he does realize and is taking my side, I just think it may be too late for all of this. The child needs help. I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life.

Sounds very similar to my

Sounds very similar to my life also. My SS8 is so coddled, I actually asked DH if something Dire happened to his kid and that's why we have to treat him more special than anyone else. Anyways... he is devoid of emotion as well... sometimes I think he's a sociopath in the making. He can be quite chatty, and seems to know all the right words to say, but anytime he has an emotion of any sort..it seems well, 'staged'. Also, my husband does things like if SS doesn't want to do his homework he will storm off to his room and cry..DH will follow and say "What's wrong buddy, did something happen today??"...and SS will make up all kinds of crap..which everyone but his Dad know's is crap..and then get out of homework completely... I can't believe it either. He's such a gross dirty kid too..and I can stand him touching my daugther half the time.. (my daughter...his half sister is two and loves her brother but all I can think of are the warts on his hands and the fact he doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom!).

Anyways...I digress... DH always says to me too "Well I think I should change custody arrangements with his mother and get SS less often, because I know that he is odd" yadda yadda yadda... and as much as the concept of this is exciting, I know that he doesn't really mean it. It's his buddy wuddy... buddy wuddy can do no wrong, I think it's a test to see how I'll react to what he's saying.

Anyways... its way too early in the morning...so hopefully this makes sense.

Everything you said makes

Everything you said makes complete sense and sounds just like my SS. I'd hate to say it but it kind of feels like a relief, I think I may be living with a budding sociopath also...there I said it.

How do you think he would

How do you think he would respond if you did the research for him? Contact the insurance company and get the name of a therapist, and give DH the phone number. Then all he has to do is set up the appointment. Do you think he would be receptive to that? Then if he refuses to do that, it is DH who is the barrier standing between SS and help.

DH IS THE BARRIER. I always

DH IS THE BARRIER. I always do all the research. He gets so defensive like I am forcing the issue, so I stopped. I have even left names and numbers on the counter (that said therapists for SS at the top) in hopes that he would just call on his own, and that didn't work either. I think he is scared of what an evaluation will tell him.

DING DING DING...You just

DING DING DING...You just made the bells go off. I never thought that. He OFFICIALLY made me the outsider. DH is the CP, BM only has SS 3 nights a month. DH and BM don't talk and DH monitors phone calls between SS and BM. I don't think BM has anything to do with the situation, but I think there is more to the story also.

I couldn't believe DH said

I couldn't believe DH said that to SS. That is not the answer. SS is still going to act out. DH is acting like this is all happening because of SS and I having a relationship. It will continue to happen, the child needs help. I am not to blame. DH and BM are to blame for denying thier child the help he needs and how they parent him.