life or something like it
I have been a step parent for the last 3 years. I know that this is not as long as a lot of you on here. I know that we have all had different struggles that have brought us to where we are now. I know that a lot of you wonderful step parents have been through a lot and that at some point it all became a little too much to deal with. Everyday brings new struggles and problems to deal with. We all know that our husbands/wifes had a life before us, it makes it harder when we have to see a constant reminder of that everyday…the child(ren). I just wanted to share my story and some of what has helped a lot.
I came into this too young, I know that now. One way I think that I am lucky is that my step daughter is the product of a one night stand. My husband was only with her mother the one time. As soon as he found out he was a father he jumped into action. He shared custody for about 10 years. He had her one week and then her mom a week and so forth. This worked well for him. It was the arrangement when we got together. After a year we moved in together. I liked that SD was here one week and gone the next. It gave us alone time and also time as a family.
When I moved in we sat down and had a talk with SD. We told her that I was moving in and that we were getting married. We told her that his love for me and his love for her are completely unrelated. There is no competition. This helped so much. At first she was a brat. I could not even stand to talk to her. Everything was my daddy my daddy. Blah blah blah. Eventually I was mad. I said look kid, I have a dad I am not looking to take yours. You have a mom, I am not looking to be your mom. I just want to be with your dad. I think that you and I can be friends but I am an adult and you will respect me. I know that you were here in this house before I came along but now this is my house too. I will respect your roll as my husbands daughter but you will respect my role as an adult and your dads wife. There was not too many problems after that.
My whole relationship with my SD has been based off of respect. I have always thought that you need to lead by example. I needed to show her respect and she needs to show me the same. After a year or so we found out that BM was on drugs and homeless. SD told her dad that she did not want to live with BM any more. He went to court and was granted full custody. I supported him through the whole process. Even though I liked her being gone a week at a time I did understand that she is his child and her safety is what is most important. At this point I would be devastated if we did not have full custody.
I came to this website looking for people who are in similar situations as me. I needed more help with dealing with his ex wife. This is hard for me. He was married to another woman I know that but I still hate it. I hate that he was married to someone so evil. I have been a little disappointed. I know that this is a site were step parents come to vent and I know and hope that a lot of what is being said is just venting. But then there are a lot of women on this site that I cant help but to think no wonder you have such a miserable relationship with your Skids. I have decided to leave this site because there is just to much hate on it. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has helped me. Last-wife I hope you read this because I hope that I am/will be step mother like you. And then there are others that I hope your step kids will be ok after living with you.
- mermaid33's blog
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Comments
Thanks SBS. I have always
Thanks SBS. I have always looked up to your advice because it comes from a good place, not hate.
Well, since the site
Well, since the site specifically says "where stepparents come to vent" no one should be surprised that people are, well... venting.
Just because you blog doesn't always mean you want advice.
Mermaid-hope things get better for you. I understand you on the ex-wife issue, I really really do- I feel the exact same way about my DH's ex. When it comes to step-kids and discussion on this site, you are going to be dealing with people with many different points of view and back story that would explain why they feel the way they do, if you stick around long enough to find out. I personally wouldn't pee on my stepkids at this point if they were on fire, but they earned every last bit of my animosity. Sorry you don't want to stay.
lol @ "I said 'look, kid...'"
lol @ "I said 'look, kid...'"
I used to hate BM too. I
I used to hate BM too.
I wondered how my husband could be married to such a wretched woman and then be married to me.
I also have learned that it doesn't matter. We're both different people now. He loved another woman who didn't know how to love herself, let alone him, and his marriage failed. I've loved men in my life who perhaps suffered the same incapabilities.
It has taken me a really long time to work thru why I ever wasted so much energy and negative feelings towards a woman and relationship that had not a thing to do me.
I'm happier now. I'm still here and I skip over hateful posts and posters.
It's a lot like life, mermaid. You have to have a little faith in people and respect the anger that perhaps is driving them to make the change in their life to make it better.
I will bode you farewell if you leave, but I challenge you to stay (like I do everyone who wants to stop posting because of negativity). There is still so much goodness to be found on this site. The sun still shines bright and so are so many whose words bring me comfort still.
Life or something like it... and in the words of Dave Matthews ~ Life is short but sweet for certain.
I too realize that too much
I too realize that too much venting causes a completely negative atmosphere. I have found myself at times looking at this site and it just fuels my own fire all too well. My solution is to always keep myself in check. I have discovered whose posts are always negative and choose not to read theirs, and some times I take up to a week hiatus, just to pull myself back into reality. I think it is a very positive site and there are plenty of positive people...it just sucks that the hate drains that out of you sometimes.
One of my life-long mentors told me this, and I think about it often: "Isn't it sad that hate seems to have more energy than good?" SO TRUE. I think there are plenty of us who can work together to try to be more supportive rather than negative...make the good out-weigh the hate.
Good for you. Glad it worked
Good for you. Glad it worked out for you. I agree that focusing on the negative isn't good forever. However, i believe that everyone that is here came here after trying and trying and trying...not 2 days after meeting their skids/ex...I can assure you that many here for at least a few years had people who told them "your feelings don't matter, it's about the kids". And this is the reason there is do much venting and anger. I have never once yelled, screamed or anything like that to my DH's kid...I never harrassed or talked bad about the witch to her daughter...I provided for the brat when daddy couldn't afford it...and all I have received in return is crap! I once yelled at BM on the phone, yes, because for over 2 mos she would call my house claiming it was about the kid and then flirt w/DH asking him if he was taking a shower or if he'd invite her to dinner, etc and she was already married! I had nothing to do w/their break up. He had 3 girlfriends before I came along.
So again, I'm glad it worked out for you. It is not the same to everyone...not because "you did the right thing it worked"...and others obviously do wrong therefore it doesn't.