What is the fair thing to do?
Dh and I got in a discussion last night, he wanted to plan a cruise for next year. He wants to go for 7 days, I said ok, but we'd have to take MiniMarine, his Dad won't take him for that long and get him to and from school. (I am BM to MiniMarine) He said, well if we take him then I have to take Whinerina and Gastapo. I said why? Why do you HAVE to take them? DH said well, it's something they'd enjoy and it's not fair to take MiniMarine and not them. I said well, they go on vacations all the time without MiniMarine. They are STEPsiblings, not all living in the same house. He isn't entitled to every thing they do just like they aren't entitled to everything he does. I also pointed out that we can't "just take" Gastapo since he isn't her father, he isn't her step father anymore and last time we tried this her real father wouldn't sign a paper to take her. Not to mention it would cost us an additional 1000.00 to upgrade the room big enough for 5 and her ticket that I don't feel I should have to pay for. (I am the one who works a second job for extra money for vacations and such it all goes in a savings account)
I feel that I should be allowed to take a vacation with just my son and my husband. I think my son is also entitled to be able to take vacations with just his mother and father figure without them there. They are very demanding and high maintenance. Very very clingy, MiniMarine is not, he is more mature and able to be independent. So far every vacation we have taken they have come, MiniMarine hasn't gotten a vacation or special time just him since they've entered the picture.
So it ended with me being irritated and pissed. I said to just forget it. We can't afford to take them, and then there's the whole Gastapo issue and it isn't fair that the status of that kid dictates where and when I can go on vacation because of the fact that you are not a legal guardian. you are not a relative. you aren't even related by marriage. So..as of now we are not planning one.
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Wait, Gastapo (and
Wait, Gastapo (and Whinerina?) aren't biologically related to any of you? Sorry its hard for me to keep up with everyone's blogs-where did these kids come from?
Whinerina is his daughter (5
Whinerina is his daughter (5 years old)
Gastapo (10yrs) is his stepdaughter from his first marriage that BM pawns off on us "to keep the girls together". basically we are free babysitting every other weekend and Wednesdays. so Gastapo is not technically related to me or
Dh.
sorry it's confusing..
Oh, heck no. Does DH have
Oh, heck no. Does DH have some kind of extraordinary attachment to Gastapo? I can see him having a case for Whinerina, but theres no way I would shell out for a kid that didn't belong to either one of you. The babysitting nonsense would stop, too. If BM wants the girls to stay together, she can babysit-she is the common parent, not you or DH.
believe me StepKate this has
believe me StepKate this has been an issue for me since we got together. He cares about Gastapo..sure..but there isn't an amazing bond between them. DH is a wimp when it comes to standing up to BM about "the girls". He doesn't want to cause problems but it causes us problems. It's a horribly frustrating situation for me.
Henny just said DH has no
Henny just said DH has no special attachment to Gastapo.
no problem, I know your just
no problem, I know your just trying to help see all sides.
we can't take her on a
we can't take her on a cruise/airline without a signed notarized letter from both parents and her birth dad who she still see's won't sign for her to go. We tried to take them once about 2 years ago and he flat out refused so cancelled that vacation too.
as I mentioned above, we do take her every where else we go on vacations. The issue is the limtations due to not being related or have legal ability to take her. And honestly, I don't want to have to pay out the additional 1000.00. I have no emotional investment in her. I didn't step parent her for 3 years prior to me and DH getting together. I can't make myself feel something for a child just because she's a child. I'm sorry.
So you and DH have her EOWE
So you and DH have her EOWE and on Wednesdays, her bio-father keeps her too? Gee HennyPen, sounds like the BM has a sweet little set-up for herself. When does she find the time to be a mom?
exactly Stepoff...you
exactly Stepoff...you wouldn't believe the set up this chick has. She doesn't even have to worry about picking up or dropping off for preschool...has her BF do that, along with DH and the Grandparents. She only spends weekday evenings with the kids, but goes to goes to "classes" 2 of the 5 nights while BF has them and we have them on Wednesdays.
Truth is..she really isn't much of a mom, she's too absorbed in her own life and partying right now. Sad actuallly.
It sure sounds frustrating.
It sure sounds frustrating. You might have to steal his balls back from BM and safeguard them in your purse. Loan them back to him only for short interactions with her.
*love that
*love that StepKate*...*gigglesnort*
I am going to have to find a
I am going to have to find a way to talk him and get through to him about this. He's so hard headed regarding it I just don't know how to get him to see my side of the situation. I'd love to go, I know MiniMarine would like it too and he'd participate in the Childs camp they offer on the ship and have a blast giving Dh and I would have a lot of alone time. The girls would want to sit in the room and watch cartoons with DH the whole time.
MY DH and I were sort of
MY DH and I were sort of planning to go to a hotel for a few days. I have a BS2.5 that is NOT DH's bio, but he is the one and only father my son has ever had. And then there is SD6. I don't have any family in this country that will be able to stay with my son, he doesn't have family in this state. We are totally stock with our son 24/7.
When he was planning the "vacation", I obviously let him know that we would have to take BS2 and he said that we are then taking SD5 because we is not fair to take BS2 and NOT SD5. I told him that I don't see the problem, taking BS2 is certainly a pain in the butt, but taking SD6, [in addition] is another pain in the butt. In addition, I know that I would be the one giving SD a bath, doing her hair, making sure she has sunblock, telling her to pick up her things, etc...
Taking Her would mean:
1. NO ROMANCE.
2. Revolve about what she wants to do. If she wants to go to the pool, if she wants to eat, if she needs to play in the pool, if she is bored, etc...
I know that those things are also there with my son BUT at another level. The way I see it is that we have to take my son. I don't want to, I want a break from him, but there is no other way to do it. So is not like I "want" to take him and not her. Also, SD is not a full time occupant in this household, thus, she will not be a full time participant of ALL activities. She will also have activies at her mother's house and is not like we would be "hey, we went to the beach and didn't take you" we wouldn't even say anything, and she probably wouldn't find out.
Needless to say, we stopped planning anything, he was just NO-WAY-ON-EARTH taking his son and not his daughter to a trip. At the end, I actually changed my mind and was happier that we were not going at all because I truly want to go on a romantic trip, not a kiddie trip, I want to take a break from the whining and the crying and I know that I would have been annoyed and disappointed if my son came with us. Going to a hotel with young kids is like being at home but sleeping on a strange bed! you do almost all of the same things
Instead, I suggested we go a city that is about 50 minutes away and stay there one night so we can do fun activities WITH THE KIDS and for the kids, like go to the zoo, the aquarium, maybe a water park, etc... But I prepare my mind that is for the kids, and only one night.
MY SUGGESTION TO YOU: do you have anybody that could watch him (if he was to stay with biodad for a few days and then someone else could stay with him the rest of the days)
Why can't his dad drop him off and pick him up at school? and if he can't, why does he need to go to school? is not like he is going to school if you take him to the cruise.
Oh and by the way, NO WAY ON EARTH am i taking my BS, or SD to a cruise. And I'm dying to go to one!
his Dad lives in another
his Dad lives in another town, close enought to drive 30-40 minutes but with his work schedule he would be unable to make that trip for school. BD is also unwilling to leave him home while he has to work, which I understand since he is only 10.
I, like you have no family here. My sisters live in Cali and New Jersey. I have no one else to watch him, Ex husbands family all live about an hour away and don't really know MiniMarine that well. Plus they all work too.
I am not too worried about taking him as far as the romance or alone time, as I said, the crusie has an awesome kids program and I probably would only see him here and there through the day. they even have "sleep over camp" if parents want the nights alone.
but as you point out Gia, adding 2 more would totally ruin it. Especially since they won't go to group activities like that. Especially the youngest she'll throw a full out fit to stay with DH and not go. (we went through this at a Disney vacation club once)
I guess this is a common
I guess this is a common issue...I just found this site and felt compelled to it.
I'm trying to set up a trp to SoCal for my own daughter, with a friend. She and her friends did volunteer work and received Disney tickets. I thought I'd make it a bit longer trip and do san Diego, the beach, rock climbing, etc.
I took my finace and her two girls on the same trip last year....we'd get to the beach and after 20 minutes her girls were bored....which translates into finding alternate entertainment...and it was on every level...so this year I'm not willing to take them again, and of course there are a lot of hurt feeling for not inviting..
I've decided to go anyway....
I didn't grow up telling my parents what we were going to do.... on one side of this proposed blending that's how things work...
I don't know the abbrviations yet but as you have said, once the boredom starts, my fiance will completely cater to it and thus separation and that's tough...
DH= Dear Husband DW = Dear
DH= Dear Husband
DW = Dear Wife
FH = Future husband
FW= Future wife
SD= Stepdaughter
BD= Biodaughter (sometimes Biodad)
SS= Stepson
BM= Bio-mom
BF= Bio-dad (sometimes Boyfriend)
We usually add the age of each child, like so: SD7, BD14, SS3 means that you have a 7 year old step daughter, a 14 year old bio daughter and a 3 year old step son. knowing the age just makes it easier to understand where you are coming from.
Welcome to the site!!
Welcome Biggtonyc! and yes
Welcome Biggtonyc! and yes you are exactly right, at least with MiniMarine I can send him on his way, but with his daughter the world revolves only around her and I know it'll turn in to a stress filled exhausting (emotionally) trip.
I really feel that I and Dh deserve a vacation but there shouldn't be stipulations that EVERYONE go or NO ONE go. I am thinking of just booking a smaller one for Me and MiniMarine and Dh. Dh can either come or not...I'm just mad right now and it probably isn't the best time to make decisions. I need to wait to cool off first.
I do not believe skids should
I do not believe skids should be entitled to every vc that bios in an intact family get because they have two parents and normally end up with double of everything, not to mention all the cs and extra money that always has to be spent on them...however, I have yet to understand how a BM expects to treat the skids to less because they aré skids vs their biokid who is not their DHs. Your child might not have a great dad, but your DH is not anymore his dad than you aré skid's mom...It is also not fair that just because you can't or won't leave your child who's dad that skid who does have two parents who are willing to spend time w/her or agree to both doing so gets the short end of the stick.
Intact family takes 2vc a yr...BM takes two...a biokid in an intact family is technically taking one vc per parent...the sd should take 1/2 her vc w/BM and 1/2 w/NCP...but if one parent doesn't take or go on vc, the kid is not entitled to all vc's w/one...just 1/2 the vc's w/one...ie equal support and enjoyment from whatever each parent can afford...
there's more than one issue
there's more than one issue here; first off one problem is that Gastapo isn't his Bio-kid and if we can't get "permission" from Bio dad she can't go anyway which then in turn Dh said we all shouldn't go. I don't agree with that.
As for the SK getting the "short end of the stick" how is it fair that my Bio son gets the shorter end of the same stick because he isn't able to go on vacations with out the step siblings. ever. that isn't fair to him. SK's go on vacations with their BM alone all the time, without anyone else intruding.
your post is also precisely why I am looking at booking a shorter trip for me and Bioson. IF DH decides to come fine, if not his choice.
WOW I can see why you don;t
WOW I can see why you don;t want to take the other girl. I do know that with us no my skids don;t go on every vc we have but if I get to go to Disney I'm taking them! whole nother story sorry. Anyway we are about to go on vc again and more that likely my dd and ss14 will not be going. But my ds16, ss13 and ss10 will be going. So no you don't always have to take all the kids. BUt this one girl ummm no I wouldn't be taking her either. I'd tell dh as a compromise that sdd can come but not her sis as her sis has the issues that come with her. Maybe if you take just her she won;t be so clingy and will play with you son a little more. Good luck.
Off the top of my head I'd
Off the top of my head I'd say that the best bet would be to (1) go alone, or (2) take MiniMarine and Whinerina and leave the non-bio-to-anyone at home. Cruises and vacations are her BM's and BD's responsibility, not yours or your DH's.
Now, I can see where he's coming from on his other bio, your sKid Whinerina. A cruise is something that's pretty special and the kid will talk about it and there will be pictures and to exclude one from it, especially knowing that the other will have Carnival Cruise 8x11 pics on his wall and Carnival koozies and all that shit, seems a little wrong to me. If it were a weekend at 6 Flags, who gives a shit, but to take one on an adventure like a 7 day cruise and leave the other one to wonder "why not me" doesn't feel right. Now, the other one, the answer to "why not me" is that your BD is a no-account piece of shit and your BM doesn't work and it's not the responsibility of your ex-SD to raise or entertain you. That's life in the big city. It IS however the responsibility of your DH to try to raise and entertain and TREAT his two bios equitably.
I'm going through the same
I'm going through the same thing!!! GRRRRRRRR
It wouldn't such an issue if
It wouldn't such an issue if there weren't so many restrictions because of his stepdaughter that isn't really his stepdaughter anymore. Her father won't give permission to take her anywhere out of the state and I am not going to forfeit any vacations cruise/or out of state because of her. If Dh wants to that's his choice. My child and myself are not going to be chained to this state for trips by his ex wifes ex husbands rules. And I am not financially going to take care of it either, if she even could go her mother/father would have to pay her portion which they don't want to do.
We have taken all the kids on
We have taken all the kids on cruises. Policy here is if it is a really big trip then we take all of the kids. If it is a small trip than we can go alone with our respective kids. We take one big one a year with all and one small weekend. With just DH and I we try and do at least one a year. Don't leave out one child. They will never get over it. As for the non-bio kid. Why would they go anyway???
She shoots. She scores.
She shoots. She scores. Exactly.
Take all the kids who are bios of either, and leave the spare part behind. I'm sorry but that's real life. That kid has no biological attachment to either. The fact that he used to be married to the woman who is the BM to the third kid is not a factor. It's too bad that woman can't stay in a stable relationship. Will he be taking that kid if BM marries someone else? Doubtful.
but you can't take the bio the two of you share and leave his other bio behind. That would set up all sorts of shit in the future that nobody would want to have. And when the other bio started resenting the hell out of everyone I'd say she had good reason to...
I agree with what you've
I agree with what you've posted too. I spoke with DH and asked if we took a shorter 3-4 day cruise just me him and MiniMarine, then later in the year take a family vacation with all of them. He was in agreement with that but now wants to take at least a 5 day cruise because he likes to stay on them longer...so I guess it's been settled. We'll take a cruise with MiniMarine and then go somewhere else with all 3. Luckily living in FL we have a lot of options even if it's just camping.
IAC--the "step-step daughter" thing is the real issue. That is where
our problem arises from, it isn't that I ever felt his daughter shouldn't go. I question how much fun she and in turn he will have, but that would be his problem if he chooses to take her. I know I will not sit in a cabin with a whining 5 year old, he can. But I won't be forced to take on another kid for the sake of BM and some ridiculous code of honor she is holding him to. And he's the jackass for following said code...lol..which in turn makes me a fool on some level for letting him...funny how I turned all that on me.
Blenedfam the other girl is
Blenedfam the other girl is not sh's but the sdd is and I think she should take the sdd but not the other girl.
who said "my kid gets to go
who said "my kid gets to go and yours doesn't"?? I never said that, it was all about he previous Step daughter.
And yes I have some control over "that one", just because his previous stepdaughters BM/BD says she can go, doesn't give her free pass to go. We are a family, decisions are made together not just by him, BM and BD. With me the "SM" to have no say in it at all...that doesn't even make sense.
If BM is pushing you towards
If BM is pushing you towards if you take one, you have to take both then that's your out on taking either.
But I think in a perfect world, it would be nice if all three could go.