Sociopath
Ok so I am a student of Psychology and I am convinced my SS10 is on the road to being a sociopath. Or, these days antisocial personality disorder is what they call it. He has all the symptoms:
LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT WHEN HURTING OTHERS(He has a history of hurting animals and didn't see anything wrong with it, he has remained emotionless when making others cry)
HABITUAL LYING (He gets caught in lies constantly. Says he's sorry when punished but continues to do it. One lie made me cry because I was so frusterated. He was unaffected by the hurt he caused me)
ANGRY WHEN CONFRONTED WITH HIS MISTAKES (Only time I've seen tears in his eyes is when he's seething with anger and says mean things)
BLAMES EVERYONE ELSE FOR HIS MISTAKES (When he is confronted for doing something wrong he blames his friends for his actions and sometimes blames us as parents).
DOESN'T LEARN FROM PUNISHMENTS/REWARDS (Nothing seems to be effective more than a few days)
LAZY IN SCHOOL (He is actually pretty bright, but doesn't feel homework is important, turns in projects late and has never taken pride in any assignment)
EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE/CHARMING (He will charm the pants off of anyone new. There is always an agenda. When he has upset me, instead of apologizing and changing his behavior, he will shower me with compliments, like "You look pretty". When he's around his grandma, he will sweet talk her until she buys him what he wants and then he is mean to her the rest of the visit.
CAN TALK MOST PEOPLE INTO ANYTHING (He comes home almost daily with a new toy that he somehow managed to get from a friend for free. He got my grandfather's 80th birthday gift which was a hat that said "recycled teenager". I tried to explain to my SS that it didn't really apply to a kid. He never used it, just sat in his closet collecting dust. It's almost as if he gets things just to get them. Did the same with his Grandma's boyfriend. His 60th birthday gift was a golfer doll that had detachable limbs. My SS has never golfed and doesn't want to. I made him give it back.
MAY ADMIT TO WANTING TO RULE THE WORLD (This actually written as something a sociopath would claim. It gave me chills because we just received a book of poems he did at the end of his fourth grade, and he claimed that he would one day rule the world)
TROUBLE WITH LAW/VIOLENCE (He has threatened to blow a kids head off at school last year. When he was younger, he would threaten to burn our house down if he was mad, or point sharp scissors at his grandma and aunt when he didn't win a game. I believe now he's realized he can't get away with that so he hurts animals and I caught him squeezing my son's ears a couple years ago. Left a bruise. He has just become smarter and sneakier. He wants to be in the military but doesn't know anything about politics or our world. Just an excuse to play with guns. He's obsessed with weapons.)
People with antisocial personality disorder can actually appear to be very social. They may have many "friends". It's their inner motives and lack of empathy that makes them antisocial. This is my SS to a T! He is surrounded by many "friends" but is not loyal. He jumps around from friend to friend, using them for wants, leaving another in the dust. Any time he claims to feel bad for someone it is always an act. There is an agenda. He wants praise for being a good friend. He makes a big deal out of anything he does that appears nice (because his goal is to create an image of good)
One of my favorite quotes from a song by Ben Harper "There's good deeds and there's good intentions. They're as far apart as heaven and hell"
Anyway, now I'm even more concerned. Before, I didn't know if I could live with him any longer. Now, I'm worried for my 3 year old son and unborn baby. My son is obsessed with my SS. He copies everything he does. The other day he asked my SS if he could borrow his gun so Mommy could shoot a boy who was mean to him. When my 3 year old replied WHAAAT??! with a teenager type attitude tone when I was calling for him, I asked him why he talked to me that way. He said because SS10 talks that way.
I love my husband but he is an optimist, not a realist. He wants to sweep problems under the rug. I want to be with my husband but I'm scared to for my children to be influenced by SS10.If he does have antisocial personality disorder, it does disclose that it can have a negative affect on developing children around the APD person. They can even develop those qualities. SS10 lives with us full time, Mom lives out of state. So there's not a lot of time off from him. I do not know what to do! SS10 has been this way since I met him (age 5) and apparently was like that before I knew him (I was told by my husbands sister that I actually had a positive affect on his behavior when I came into the picture).
The problem with people with antisocial personality disorder, is they are under diagnosed. Because they are extremely manipulative to those around them. And they have no concious and will lie. The older they get, the harder it is to diagnose/fix, because they are intelligent and become better at manipulating. I don't feel very hopeful about the situation.
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You just described my DH's
You just described my DH's ex-wife in your post.
I have posted about the same
I have posted about the same thing, my SS is 10 too and DH also had full custody. I didn't have kids because of SS. Im sorry that you have to go through this. I feel in my situation the damage is already done. Will your DH agree to get his son in therapy?
My SS has a lot of those
My SS has a lot of those qualities also. I did not marry or live with his dad for almost 10 years because of it. I was not going to put my bios around that type of behavior.
He is a little better now than when he was 10. He was horrible back then. Makes me shudder to remember all the things he did. Sorry, no advice, just good vibes coming your way.
I wish I peiced this together
I wish I peiced this together earlier. I think it's because I thought this was learned behavior, maybe by his MOm. But unfortunately, this can either be inherited, or leaned. Even if it is learned, it is hard to fix. So my husband thinks everything will just magically get better and blames his Ex. He doesn't want to ever accept this might be who his son is . . . forever.
I hope he agrees to therapy. But, to be honest with you, I'm terrified he'll manipulate the therapist. I think I'll suggest my therapist, so I can give him my perspective first. My therapist trusts me because I'm an open book . . . I'm the first to admit my flaws. I guess I should have faith in the professional to be able to see through it. I guess I'm just cautious because I've seen my super intelligent husband get blinded by my SS's manipulation.
SS10 did manipulate his
SS10 did manipulate his therapist and I tried to find a new one, but by that time DH decided SS didn't need therapy anymore. It does happen. Find a good therapist, one that has a degree in psychology or psychiatry.
The way you describe your SS
The way you describe your SS is pretty much almost exactly the way my xBF's mother described him as a child.... he is serving 24 to life for stabbing a girl to death. He was 16 at the time and is now 32. No one in his family really wanted to see that he was anything other than a normal little boy. No matter what the counselors and teachers tried to point out to them, they always said "well, he'll grow out of it".
He comes up for parole in 8 years and I don't believe he has 'grown out of it' yet.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It must be very hard... the only thing I can say as advice is... get him help, but protect your little ones above all else. I know it sounds horrible to say that in regards to a 10 year old, but it's reality. I wish you the best with this.
You described BF daughter
You described BF daughter almost to a tee
You just posted about my
You just posted about my SS8
Wow
I have no advice, no words, and no comments however..because I'm kind of at a loss at to what to do in my own situation with him. Sometimes I think it's just because he was brutally spoiled.. (sorry IS not was)..and that most people treat him like a prince.
I'm really hoping he grows out of it.
What you have posted is both
What you have posted is both frightening and eye opening. Look at how many responses you have stating that you have decribed their SK as well. There are a lot of future Sociopaths on the lose. That scares the daylights out of me.
So what are you going to do? I am thinking if my SS had all the signs of being a sociopath, I would have to consider leaving. Quickly.
Why do you think that is? The
Why do you think that is? The evolution of man kind? Or do you think there have always been an abundance of sociopaths out there that were either misdiagnosed, or just flew under the radar?
My god I feel for you. Get
My god I feel for you. Get that child to a therapist...quick. Or get out!
If you have done enough
If you have done enough research to be able to diagnose all those problems you know that before a child reaches and completes the separation/individualization phase (usually completed around 13 or 14) they have no understanding of the concept of the impact of their decisions or actions and you can't classify anyone as a sociopath based on their activities at this age.
You can say "they have tendencies that were found at a similar age in a majority of sociopaths" but there are PLENTY of kids who exhibit the EXACT same characteristics who don't become sociopaths. Probably the cast majority of those who exhibit these characteristics at this age mature and become normal productive members of society.
I wouldn't sweat it for a few years at least.
That was kinda my point when
That was kinda my point when I said "we have a lot of sociopaths on the lose". BUT, I don't have a degree in ANYTHING. So... I don't want to pretend like I know how this works.
All I know is that my nephew displayed a lot of that same behavior when he was younger. He is 16 now and had calmed down A LOT. I think he is just a control freak, not a sociopath. Again, I can't diagnose anything. That is just MHO.
Yes, I do understand that
Yes, I do understand that diagnoses needs to be made later in life. However, psychologists say that if a sociopath as a child does not have an intervention, it is then incurable once they reach adult-hood . So to wait a few years to worry is not an option when I have a 3 year old boy and a baby on the way. Sociopaths are also able to contaminate those around them, especially young ones. I do not want my sons to be influenced by him. And I just have an intuition that tells me this probably won't blow over. Because since I've known him (for 5 years, he was 5 when I met him), he displayed these tendencies. A 5 year phase and still going strong?? I would understand if he seemed normal earlier and started this phase. But it has existed for quite awhile. Hard to believe he will suddenly develop a conscious for the first time in his life.
He IS on the road to becoming
He IS on the road to becoming a sociopath. Once I read an article by Robert Ressler the FBI agent who coined the term "serial killer" he wrote that one out of every 20 urban male fits the profile of a serial killer. I believe there are an abudance of sociopath materials out there but through good parenting, structure, rules and consequences they somehow assimilate into and become part of society. There is always that one that does not make it.
Have him tested for
Have him tested for Asperger's Syndrome. He'll exhibit many of the same signs that you mention, but it's a mild and functional form of autism, and he won't be the type to go out and kill somebody. Seriously. Please go have him checked for Asperger's before you alter your behavior towards him. It's a very treatable and easily controlled form of autism that manifests itself in a lack of empathy, heightened math skills, OCD, etc... Very underdiagnosed.
I'm familiar with Asperger's,
I'm familiar with Asperger's, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have it. My ex-fiance's little cousin did have it. He wasn't nearly half as bad as my SS. He was more ackward socially and seemed a bit emotionless. But no violent threats or cruelty to animals. And he didn't spend near the energy of manipulating as my SS does.
Most people with anti-social personality disorder do not become serial killers. I'm not necessarily convinced he will become one. I'm fearful he will continue to manipulate, lie, and use people. That's enough for me to want to check out. Because I do not want my boys influenced by him (he is their big brother). Manipulators only get better at it with age.
I already disclosed in my
I already disclosed in my post that I hoped my husband brought him to a psychologist. I also said, he is displaying antisocial personality disorder symptoms. I never diagnosed him myself but do not want to wait years to "see if he grows out of it". I never branded him, I simply shared facts on his behavior, and how they match up.
I am a psychology major and know how to look for signs of mental disorders. I prefer to be more proactive when I have young children exposed to such disturbing behavior.
If you're hinting that I'm
If you're hinting that I'm not looking for advice, you're wrong. I wanted advice on what to do in the meantime before (if) my husband gets him into counseling. And ways to make sure my kids aren't influenced in the process.
My SS is going to his mother's in a few days to spend almost 2 months with her. When he gets back, I want him in counseling. I just started counseling myself. I'm all about working on myself. I think everyone should be open to it.
So I guess I was looking for supportive SM's (which there were plenty, but I'm not so sure you're one of them).
Again, I did not label him. I
Again, I did not label him. I said he had the traits of one. And I know he can't be diagnosed as one this early. However, if a psycholgist says he is at risk to develop it, I will have to talk to the psychologist about his professional opinion.
How dare you pass such a
How dare you pass such a harsh judgment about me when you don't know me! I never once said I would try to get him out of my home. For your information, I would never suggest he get out of my our home. I would leave. Never in a million years would I suggest to my husband to get my SS out of our home. Living with his mother would only make him worse. And my husband worked hard to get custodyof him.
I am very offended by in your remarks. I could never imagine someone making things up or exaggerating in order to get a kid out of my house. I am devastated by these issues. I love my husband very much and I know us seperating would tear him apart. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. I am genuinely concerned for my son's welfare and have been waiting for my SS to "grow out of it" for years.
So that shows how much you know about me. Hurting animals and habitual lying is not considered normal, by the way. Not sure how you were raised. Can they mature from it? Yes, but it's not normal. AGAIN, you obviously have a bias towards me and refuse to read my post carefully, bc I never set these traits set in stone a condition, but I've been living with him for 5 years, so EXCUSE me for wanting to be happy and wanting my children to grow up in a healthy environment.
WHy is it that I'm not
WHy is it that I'm not allowed to vent? Just because I said in an ideal world, I wish he didn't live with me does not mean I would EVER suggest he need to leave! If you really look back at posts, I said that I am considering moving out for a seperation. I never have suggested he leave to my husband and never would! I thought this was a safe place for me to vent my frusterations, but I guess you decided you know me so well that you can predict my motives and actions. I am truly a very honest person. I air my dirty laundry and admit my faults. So for you to try and put words in my mouth is absurd and I really questions your motives for this site.
Actually, you DID say you
Actually, you DID say you think I'm trying to find a reason to get him out of my house. If you're going to say something . . . OWN IT. You don't seem to care that I told you that's not my intention. You never apologized, or acknowledged that maybe you assumed wrong. Yes, it is clear that I don't want him around me or my kids . . .and for a good reason. So how is it productive for you to repeat what we already know . . and then add incorrect assumptions? I read your posts too. I find it disturbing that you're a social worker. But it doesn't surprise me, because I know it's a field that's easy to get into . . . even if you're messed up yourself.(I had a roomate that was a social worker and she dealt drugs and hit on underage boys). So I know it's easy to slip under the radar in that profession. I also had a social worker tell me he was having feelings for me when I was under his care. I like to believe most social workers are good at what they do, and most of them probably are, but there's definately ones that shouldn't be doing what they're doing and definately shouldn't be passing judgment.
Anyway, my post was for venting and I actually am open to critisicm. But I'm not open to someone trying to inform me of my motives. There is a difference. That's where I was offended by you. You never seemed warm or genuinely concerned. You never asked me what my motives are. That's why I have a problem with you. I'm no fool and I know when someone isn't being sincerely helpful.
That's right, you're unable
That's right, you're unable to have children of your own. So you actually couldn't POSSIBLY understand what it would be like to be a supportive Stepmother only to experience your stepchild physically abusing your own child as well as your animals.
It's a good thing you're unable to have kids. Because if you're telling me if you had a stepchild abusing animals and more importantly YOUR own child, that you wouldn't be upset then you'd sound to me like a pretty terrible mother.
Wow what great advice from a social worker. It's obvious you're childless and I'm glad that you are. Any mother that would put anyone else before their own child (most importantly their physical and psychological safety) should not be a parent!
I want to thank everyone that
I want to thank everyone that has been supportive about my post. Thanks for the good vibes, the sympathy, and the advice. I feel like I wasted time engaging with someone who I should have ignored. I'm better than that and people in my real life know me and what a good intended person I am. I think a lot of us are. Many of us have endured a lot because of the love for our husbands and families.
I would say cruelty to
I would say cruelty to animals would qualify as "something wrong". However I agree that this kid needs to see a specialist fast.
Please don't put the
Please don't put the "sociopath" label on the kid too quickly. I have worked with real sociopaths, they are rare and truly evil people.
I agree with the other posters who say to wait a few years - watch them grow, but try not to see them as "sociopath" It can also become a self full fulling prophesy. Children tend to rise to the level of other's expectations of them.
PS: I have also been an under grad in psych. I diagnosed everyone in my school! It's a real temptation and often we can be right, and it's good practice for later. I would be doing the same thing in your shoes.
OLD TIMER : PLEASE READ MY
OLD TIMER : PLEASE READ MY POSTS CAREFULLY before responding!
I did not diagnose! I also disclosed that it's called antisocial personality disorder, not sociopath. I simply opened with the term sociopath because most people uneducated on the subject are more familiar with that term. I am educated and acknowledged that this can't even be diagnosed until later in the teens (ideally a minimum of 18 years old). I actually said I was afraid he was at risk of having it, because he has so many of the symptoms. Also, if you do your research, if signs are recognized in childhood and intervined with treatment, there is almost 0% chance of recovery as an adult.
Let's say he never gets labeled as that. Does it make it Ok for him to continue to lying, manipulating, stealing, and abusing animals and children?
I would like to know that if you, "shooting stars", and "i am confused" had your own child abused by this kid, if you would feel OK with it. What I find interesting is that "shooting stars", "i am confused", and you DO NOT have biological children of your own. And you are the only ones to pass judgment on me and not carefully read my post. Coincidence? I don't think so.