I think i want to leave my husband
It would appear that everything i say and ask him to consider when it comes to his kids is falling on deaf ears. We had another fight this morning because he rang me and said "i have the kids tonight can you get them from school" I already knew this was what he was calling for because he never rings me during the day unless i have his kids or he wants me to get his kids for him.
I am so sick of asking him to realise that when he arranges with his Ex to have his kids it is actually ME that has to do it. Instead he basically tells me to "Let it go" and "Shut up about it" as they are his kids and if he wants them he will damn well have them. Well my arguement is "yes, they are YOUR fucking kids" I am sick of having them every other weekend plus extra days and more weekends because the EX has plans. If i say anything in protest i get yelled at and we end up in a big fight. I get mad because i have not been consulted and she gets paid child support and government funding for the days she is supposed to have the kids. I work full time and have a baby of our own.
My husband always makes time for his kids, and then i ask him to do stuff with us and he is always too busy or working.
I will admit i am resentful of those kids but it is only because of my husband behaviour towards them and his EX. He drops everything for them but at the same time by doing that it just makes his EX's life easier. She gets paid she gets weekends free she doesnt drive them anywhere, she gets the kids to ring and ask him to do it so he cant say no to them. And yet if i ask the same thing he can quite easily tell me NO.
Please tell me if this will ever change, I have tried reasoning with him, we have tried councelling we have fought. I think i realise that it will never change.
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Thanks, I have tried things
Thanks, I have tried things like that, i have gone out, i have left the clothes unwashed, not cooked dinner etc. But this has been 4 years now.. at what stage should i expect a change or should i have seen a change by now?
It is very hard to give you a
It is very hard to give you a life story in a blog, but the reason i do hate that woman so much is because she has never met me but has told her children that i met their father while dancing naked for him, she tells them i am a stripper and a whore, She openly calls me "rooter" to the children. She has sent "annonymous" letters to my husband saying that i have been seen around town as a sex worker. She took those kids off my husband and didnt let him see them for 6 months because he had moved on with me. She had already had another child of her own by then, he spent thousands of dollars going to court to get them back when he had shared care of the kids originally. She told child support he never saw his kids so therefore he paid nearly $1500 a month to her while she was living with her mother in 1 bed room with 3 kids. Now to say she has done nothing to me or him is clearly not true. IT is me actually that has never gotten involved in the nastiness that she caused because if i got involved my husbands life would have been worse off.
Now he seems to forget all of the shit she caused and the drama we have gone through because of her bitterness, and is just making her life easier to avoid conflict with her because she is a loose cannon.
The SS12 has stolen things from our home and taken them to his mothers home to make her proud, she thinks its great. He tells her i am horrible and dont feed him school lunches etc. HE lies to her constantly about me. I know all of this for a fact as he has been caught many times. SD10 is great, she tells me what goes on with her brother and me and her are best friends. I love SD10 to bits. so it is not all about the way my husband treats me, and yes the kids and BM have not been very wonderful.
I have never given BM any cause to do the things she has done to me or said about me, she has done this because she was full of jealousy
So there you have it, i agree though my self esteem does suck because i do feel that i am always second best and it has started to get to me.
"My husband always makes time
"My husband always makes time for his kids, and then i ask him to do stuff with us and he is always too busy or working.
I will admit i am resentful of those kids but it is only because of my husband behaviour towards them and his EX. He drops everything for them"
I think what i said in my orginal post clearly states i blame my husband, i am not sure what you are trying to prove..... He talks to me like shit and treats me like shit when it comes to his kids. Its crystal clear. I have not mentioned blame about his ex or his kids. READ THE ABOVE AGAIN
As much I hate to admit it
As much I hate to admit it because of what it means about my own situation, I agree with sueu2.
I have allowed the person I once was very proud of to be unappreciated, used, verbally abused, disrespected, discounted, defiantly ignored, taken for granted, and made to feel so uncomfortable in my own home so that I look in the mirror and not only no longer recognize the person I see, but I actually dislike her! What’s worse, is that I firmly believe the person I once was would have NEVER allowed herself to become the person she is now, and yet here she is – PATHETIC!
Yes, sometimes the truth is hard to take, but only when you acknowledge it can you begin to take your power back!
The countdown has officially begun for me. My H’s days as my H are numbered and I already see light at the end of that tunnel!
I see validity in your post
I see validity in your post as, having been through counseling and reading all the books myself, it takes two for abuse to happen: the abuser and the victim. If the victim is not there, who is the abuser going to abuse?
However, please don't say things like you women. Not everyone deserves to be lumped together like that.
Sueu2 - This is the 2nd blog
Sueu2 - This is the 2nd blog I have seen you on. You are very hostile. Are you sure you are not a BM in disguise. I am starting to think you have an ulterior motive here.
I agree with you Jsmom.... I
:? I agree with you Jsmom.... I bet she is....
I hate to say it but it does
I hate to say it but it does not seem that he will change fours years is a long time and if he has not changed by now I don't know if he will ever. Was he like this this before you were married? If you still want to be with him you will have to disengage from the kids and when they are there let him do it all. Make him go and pick up the kids himself and while they are there make yourself unavailable - of course he wants the kids there because you are there to do all of the work. Make him to it all and let him see how much you do.
On another note I think you have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is so selfish? Good Luck!
AlwaysMe, been thru the same
AlwaysMe, been thru the same myself. In my opinion it is a form of manipulation. I actually went to counseling. Counselor basically put it this way- you are given the okay to be mom and to handle the situations as a parent to these children but as soon as you do not please the child or the bio parent who the children don't live with then husband jumps in puts on the hand cuffs (emotional) and throws you in the water and expects you to swim.
What he was saying is that husband wants the help but then if you don't cooperate (to everyone's satisfaction) he turns it on you with blame making you feel unappreciated and unheard.
What you can expect is more of the same until you get the message thru to him. Husband and I would get inot big fights but I think that only made feelings hard on both parts and it wasn't changing the picture.
What I did that changed things was I stopped taking on my hsuband's responsibility anbd in a very calm and gentle manner I told him that he would have to make arrangments with his ex when he could accomidate the plans, that I would not be a part of this. And it worked.
"...is he really with you
"...is he really with you because he loves YOU or because of what you DO for him & his children? The latter is not a good reason to be married, it's a one person benefits and one has to suffer type of marriage which doesn't work."
I have asked myself this question several times and only now have began to accept the same answer - it will NOT work!
It doesn't sound like he's
It doesn't sound like he's changing-his expecations are already there. Not sure what you can do about it...but Sue is right...you can chose not to take that treatment anymore.
I don't know why Sue is here-but even if she has lack of step-parenting experience-I've foudn that when this board doesn't like direct/different advice they jump all over the persons "motive", that they are bio-moms, that they are hostile etc....but a lot of times it's darn good advice-and I have to say, she has some great points.
4 years of bull-time to stop venting/complaining and doing somethign about it. Same goes for every last ONE of us if you are unhappy/miserable in your situations. It comes a time when complaining isn't enough-it won't change your life-it may help you from killing the rugrats or you dh and give you peace at home for the moment-but won't change things in the long term, unless you demand it-or change your situation. It keeps you stuck sometimes-if we complain enough to where we aren't ready to explode-over time we get used to that being our release but turn right back around to accept more mistreatment-because at least we get to vent/have our outlet about it.
When I was getting ready to leave my abusive exh-what got me OUT? Was the "hostile" or direct questioning of why I was responding/staying as I did. Not blaming circumstances, his lack of job, the weather, the stress...but took a look at HIM, and then at ME...and asked myself what good does venting do me year after year if I'm miserably unhappy? YES misery loves company-and YES sometimes I think people get stuck in unhappy/drama filled lives because they get so used to it it's all they know and start to like it. In which case, fine...stay. But the OP does seem to be hitting her threshold-she's considering TAKING ACTION for her life and her happiness-I'm glad she is!
I think that this board is a great place-and that differing opinions need to be respected more. Some see it as a site not ONLY to vent, but to be encouraged, to be advised/counseled or get words of wisdom on how to IMPROVE your situation-not only stay in the muck and whine about it. Helping isn't only listeningn to a complaint and patting them on the back and offering platitudes. Sometimes it is. Sometimes the bigger picture is at stake and we as human beings I think owe it to eachother to encourage PERSONAL growth, to encourage taking responsibility for our own actions/decisions and doing what we must for our own lives.
To stop the blame game and look at ourselves and take action-we DO have the power to change OUR lives. We aren't helpless-the BM, SKids-they really dont' get to dictate YOUR life and your happiness. YOU do.