HOW COME YOU ARE ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO TREAT STEP CHILREN LIKE YOUR OWN BUT ONLY AS MUCH AS THE EX WANTS YOU TO
Please help! I need advise from other step parents. Here is quickest version I can give. My dh and i have been married for 12 years. I have been in my step daughters life since she was 3 she is now 15. She is starting to want to do other things and stay with her mother more. Which we understand. My children who are her 1/2 brother and sisters miss her dearly. We ask her if she is coming for the weekend after she has missed 2 already. Her mother and her tell us NO. There is no asking jsut a flat no, i am not comeing. I ask if she is comeing the next weekend and she tells my dh and I that she don't know she will discuss it with her mom. They have joint custody what is to discuss. We only live 10miles away. She used to love to be with us. My daughter has been crying for her and I told her that. And I raised my voice with her becuase I did not appriceate her telling me and my dh what she would or would not be doing. She should ask and that doesn't mean she should always get her way. But then the ex wife calls my dh and says that I should be nicer to their daughter and i have too much involvment and should back off. She is the one who calls me to work out their vacations and time together. She has always thanked me for being nice to her. Her husbsnd is allowed to get on to her when she gets mouthy. Why can't I? I dont think it is fair for her to act that way. Plus i know this will cause problems between me and my step-daughter now. Any thoughts?
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This is typical. I can only
This is typical. I can only assume that BM let's SD do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants, and you and DH have rules that she's starting to not like, especially now that Mom is "soo much cooler". My SD15 has done the same thing to us - one line answers with no explanation and she's the one running the show. You might want to suggest to DH that he and BM have a little discussion about who makes the rules - BM/DH or SD? We actually took BM to court over this (and other issues) and their opinion was that SD was old enough to have say in what she did and when she did it but it was still up to BM and DH to come to agreement on what was done, not let SD make all of the decisions.
I wish I had better information for you but it seems we're in the same boat.
Yeah I don't get it. BM
Yeah I don't get it. BM thinks she is better than everyone else too so that creates problems also. Plus she has more money than us. We thought about going to court also. But my dh knew that we would spend a lot of time and money and still lose. She could afford a better lawyer and son on. So I although I am unhappy to hear you had the same problem but i can see he is right and we probably won't win. Since when did it become ok for teenagers to run the world??
We had the same problem with
We had the same problem with our SD not coming for visitations. We went to court and BM's response was that SD had other things she wanted to do instead of come to visit. [Not sure if that was true or if it was a BM lie as she has no qualms of lying to a judge]
Anyway, the judge said, "But you make her go to school, even if it is something she doesn't want to do, right? This is the same type of thing. You cannot allow your children to do whatever they want."
Anyway, the judge awarded DH $500 from BM for Contempt of Court.
Just a warning, this has NOT really changed the situation with visitation at all. But what it HAS done is given BM a reason to QUIT taking my DH to court every time we turned around. Because now she knows that she would be on the paying side of the situation.
You nailed it blender... "If
You nailed it blender...
"If I am disengaged, i am not trying hard enough or unsupportive or cold hearted. If I engage I am pushing it, or trying too hard, or they are not my kids so backoff. How am I supposed to know ??? Its a moving target!!!"
The expectations of BMs and skids change from day to day of what type of person you are supposed to be. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't. I posted a blog a few months ago about the imaginary line that step parents can't cross...it may vary depending on the situation but there always seems to be a line that we all have. And that line changes. Sometimes daily. I also recently posted a blog about how BM pulls the "I'm the PARENT" card one day and then the next she's demanding we do parenting things that she doesn't want to do.
As a stepmother you are never
As a stepmother you are never right! Duh! You are trying too hard or not hard enough. You are evil and mean or you are overbearing and trying to be mom. You'll never win!! IMO I would suggest you make her come over for a weekend to spend time with you. Still let her see her friends or whatever if she has social plans but make her spend time at your house, even if it isn't pleasant. I would be concerned of PAS!
We tried that. She still was
We tried that. She still was like; No, I am not coming. I told my husband to tell her she could still go out but she was comeing here and she proceeded to tell us she wasn't comeing. I gave him the idea to go take her out to dinner and talk. He did and he said he told her she can't talk to us that way and what was it she wanted. So I guess she says she is comeing the following weekend. I am sure she'll make some excuse then too. I just hate seeing my children hurt. They are 10 and 5 and she used to be close with them. WE have a baby also but she became distant after she was born and hasn't had much to do with her. And I know that being the step mom that I am never right.. but that is a huge problem of my own... I like to be right!!! and for sure don't want soem 15 year old thinking she runs me. Probably my ego getting in the way. I think she doesn't want her friends to see that we dont have a lot. We have nice house and nice car and nice clothes but not a lot. Her mom's it's the 400k house with all the abercrombie clothes a girl could want..stuff we can't afford. In her eyes i guess we are not good enough
I guess I'm confused as to
I guess I'm confused as to why it is when she says she isn't coming over - she doens't come over? If my skids told DH that (and legally it was his right to have them) I know he would say "Too bad!" and their butt would be over. I'm sure your DH just doesn't want to upset her and make her dislike him but good grief she is 15 she is going to be upset about everything if she wants to be. Don't worry about being the bad guy and making her come over. It won't traumatize her or ruin her for life. Someday she will remember that you wanted her to come over even when she didn't want to be there. Well....hopefully that is how it would all work out.
Thanks everyone for answering
Thanks everyone for answering and the conversation. I am home from work sick today. i thinks my brain couldn't handle the arguing or the put down from the BM. So i needed a day off. I found this place and it's nice to have someone who is in the same place in the world and understands.
Welcome to my world... My OSS
Welcome to my world...
My OSS was about 15 when he decided it was easier to stay at his mothers place than ours. She sleeps like the dead and wouldn't know if the eand of the world had occurred until she woke the next morning. DH couldn't even wake her up during Tornado warnings!
So staying at mums was so much more convenient. For him. And his social calendar.
She has the stupid theory kids learn from life lessons. So we seldom saw OSS in the last 4 yrs which broke DHs heart.
And let me tell you what OSS 19 life lesson is. " I am in sitting in jail because I was arrested for Possession of a controlled susbtance that was not my prescription and blew a 2x legal limit for alcohol and smashed up my car. I then failed my first drug/alcohol test during my Drug Court time and now I am sitting in jail for the next few months. I also lost my full ride 4 yr scholarship. I also jepordised my mothers insurance coverage."
How's THAT for a life lesson? BTW, OSS has called his father more in the last 3 weeks than he has in the last 4 yrs.
Sometimes you sit and can do nothing but watch the train wreck happen.
As for your kids .... SD is just letting you know that your decision to have kids is not her responsibility to like or love them. This was your decision and I bet you didn't check with her. Also she may just be an only child at her mother's place.
So play a game with your children. SD is at school in another part of the country and can't visit. I bet she makes an appearance at Christmas though! Do I hear a vote for a Borders Gift Card for Christmas?
Very common. That happened to
Very common. That happened to me too. i told both dh and bm early on that if that is what she wants then fine but i will NOT be the babysitter, cook, maid, taxi or anything else that is THEIR responsibility!