put off tasks?
the skids are coming Sunday night since there is no school Monday. I had planned to get groceries tonight but due to the skids update (weren't going to visit until an oil change was due - AKA BM claims she's too busy and ss17 doesn't want to pay for it himself so lets make dad pay for it!!) so I'm now thinking I'll just wait until Monday night to go shopping. I have done the hide my food thing and DH thinks it's rude. I bring snacks to work (crackers, string cheese nothing fancy) but before I started hiding or marking my food as dakota's lunch it would be devoured. but putting my name on a box completely didnt' stop it - they woudl say they didnt' notice...whatever. DH and i previously had the discussion about how he was right they're his kids and i'll just back off and let him have control of things while they're around.
i feel almost rude for not going to buy food as planned, but i'm tired of spending my money for their bellies just to hear 20 minutes later how they're hungry and there's no food.
how do you handle the food situation?
DH will not cook at home when they're there now because he doesn't like doing their dishes so we go out- that's how he handled that problem. i won't pay - ss15 asked me one time why i don't do anything when they're there anymore - i said because you don't appreciate it and i dont' want to anymore. Kind of like you guys not wanting to do anything when you're with us so you don't....right....no response.
- dakotamom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Shop on Monday - let DH worry
Shop on Monday - let DH worry about their food and don't feel guilty - if these kids would learn to appreciate anything that we do for them the dynamics would be so different - my first marriage failed due in large part to no appreciation being shown - kids can learn this and should.
It took having skids for me
It took having skids for me to truely appreciate my parents. I'm always thinking how bad my parents had it with me - i never truely realized what a pain I probably was. I've heard the "you're going to have kids one day and it'll be a payback" i didn't realize this still happened if you had no bios of your own!!! these kids are defintely teaching me.
I appreciate DH and i love him lots, but i can't get past his childrens' behavior....he has to see it right?
I don't think the DH's see it
I don't think the DH's see it unless we point it out in a calm cool rational manner - but it does need to be pointed out - as I have stated in a previous blog - your DH learned to be in a relationship a certain way with his ex - obviously that way did not work but it is all he knows and now needs to relearn a new way - the way that works for you - this also includes the way the kids were handled. Due to divorce men think they need to let the kids get what they want - please the bm for fear of losing visitation - buy their kids love and the children encourage this because being kids of course they want material things it is a material world. He needs to relearn how to treat his children and that buying love or letting them get away with anything in the long run will not help but actually hurt them - try pointing this out to him in a calm manner and hopefully he will see the light.
In adult life bosses do not care that you come from a broken family they care that you respect them your job and the place that you work in - the rest does not matter and kids are in for a rude awakening if they can't learn respect. You in your small way of not having anything there is teaching them that.
i've asked him one time if
i've asked him one time if buying them things really made sense because he'll buy it and it'll go back to BMs and we'll never see it again - be it a video game, clothing, shoes - doesn't matter. It goes to the black hole of BM world. Dh said that he likes seeing his kids happy because he doesnt' know how to do it any other way. i asked then if they were so happy with said bought item wouldn't they bring it everywhere they go?? I wish there was an easy way out of guilty dad, but he's been this way for 10 years....i fear that he just like the kids are untrainable at this point in the game. how do you train someone different when they're available once a week if that?? i don't get how people do it with younger kids - my hat is off to you.
You can't train the kids but
You can't train the kids but you can re-train DH it is just going to take a lot of work and constant keeping up with it - the kids are a lost cause.
I don't know why DH's think that material things are the way to go - the world will not stop if you stop doing it. But keep trying to relearn him.
i dont think i can. the
i dont think i can. the skids guilt their already guilty daddy...the stepdad (according to children - take with a grain of salt) will say when he takes them to MCdonalds he makes them pick off the dollar menu. if they go clothes shopping it's to 2nd hand store. they say stepsister (stepdad's daughter) gets all the attention because their BM always wanted a girl and never got one. so it's DH to the rescue to buy them whatever food they want, and clothes, and spoil them. i literally cannot have an outting with the skids without rolling my eyes or wanting to yell at DH how they manipulate him. i bet skids tell BM and stepdad the same story. dakota never feeds us and makes us wear dirty clothes and wont' let us shower.
I am so sorry the only hope
I am so sorry the only hope you have is when they are adults they will go away and make their own lives but after reading all of the post here that does not look like a possibility - so in your own small way by not getting your food until monday you are doing what you can!!
Tell DH that when he comes up
Tell DH that when he comes up with an alternative suggestion to hiding your food, you'll be happy to entertain it.
***Like***
i'll just wait then and find
i'll just wait then and find some reason why i didn't go until after the visit. it's easier than a fight and maybe he'll be the one footing the bill since it's food for his boys...i'll get stuff monday for me, he can buy food for the weekend.
No, it's mine - not even DH
No, it's mine - not even DH will eat it. I'm working on eating better/losing weight.
I've got fiber bars/meal replacement bars - kids see it as just a peanut butter bar or chocolate bar - these things are expensive. there are slim fast shakes or special K shakes - they see it as individual chocolate milk. we've had the convos with them about "these are off limits" doesnt' seem to matter.
i used to go and buy stuff for the weekends - i like to make breakfast sandwiches - muffin, eggs, canadian bacon, cheese (mcdonalds mcmuffin but WAY cheaper), chocolate milk, lasagna was what ss17 always requests in the winter for suppers. i would go to all the expense of doing this and there is never a thanks dakota, there is never a rinsed dish (many DH to skids, dakota to DH, dakota to skids convos about this - nothing.) i know parenting is a thankless job - but i'm not their parent so i expect some form of appreciation. so i stopped. i will not go out of my way to be nice to others if they cant' seem to show it back.
as to the just skid consumption - there is that food to - there's stuff that neither DH or i will eat but buy because the skids eat it.
HAHAHAH!!! that's awesome!!!
HAHAHAH!!! that's awesome!!! I don't know what i'm laughing at harder - the skidmobile or the farts!!!
DH had one of my fiber bars and he had the same problem. said he hadn't had much all day so he knew it was the bar that made him unbearable to be with!!!
that was his lesson learned to stay away from my food. the kids haven't had that experience i guess.
"i know parenting is a
"i know parenting is a thankless job - but i'm not their parent so i expect some form of appreciation. so i stopped. i will not go out of my way to be nice to others if they cant' seem to show it back."
-------------> Well then, be prepared for disappointment! ;^) Seriously, I think respect and appreciation is a two-way street. All family members deserve respect and appreciation. Kids need to be taught how to show appreciation. It takes consistency. For adults, we have to be able to not take everything so personally and move past our own hurt feelings to be better able to teach our children how to show respect and appreciation to those around us. We model everything for them, so whatever they're seeing in the family everyday, we're teaching them how they should act.
Just because you don't consider yourself their "parent" and just because you expect appreciation doesn't mean THEY don't see you as a "parent figure" nor does it mean that they KNOW what your expectations are or HOW you expect them to meet them. When I go to the store with my kids, I tell them, "Now look, I expect you to behave while we're in the store. I expect you to not ask for anything, and I expect you to stay with me. Do you understand?" They say, "Yes," and we head in. If they forget, I remind them and they straighten up, believe me. Maybe a better way to approach this issue is to go buy whatever foods you need to have in the house. Tell the kids, "Look, we have plenty of food in the house but there are certain items of food that I expect you not to eat. I expect you to not eat the fiber bars and slim-fast drinks that are in the house. They are for me because I'm trying to lose weight. If you do eat or drink these items, the consequences will be X, Y & Z. Do you understand and agree?" If they say "Yes," then you have an agreement, and if they break that agreement, then there are consequences in place to teach them to be respectful of your wishes and appreciative for the food that they have access to.
When children know what's expected of them, they usually will do as told. But we have to be clear with our expectations and consequences for not meeting those expectations.
Also, I think when kids keep saying they're hungry, they're really bored. This is when I know I need to find an activity for them or have them play outside.
JMHO.
Am i the only one who makes
Am i the only one who makes their husband do the shopping on the weeks skids are here? sd is extremly overweight cuz they let her eat three helpings at every meal. Because I made a big deal about her weight and the fact that kids are picking on her, he finally buys her mostly fruit and only lets her have one serving. On the other hands, ss is extremely skinny and needs the whole fat milk and cookies. So many special needs requires dad to do the shopping on his weeks, it costs 10 times more and i don't got the pocketbook to cover it. No fighting. And yes, i think its okay to have your own special treats just for you. Its 50/50 custody for us, I tell dh if he wants to be super dad, YOU have at it.