Go to Italy - let your DH spend time with his son - this way you can spend a lot of time there and not worrying about the little monster jumping on your stomach or trying to get attention away from your twins - no offense but your wee ones won't even know it is Christmas and you can see your family and enjoy the time with them - it would be great if you Dh could go but then you will have to cut the trip short and just think of all the help you will have with them during that time surrounded by family and no bm or ss drama - I would go to Italy!!

Do you have a set visitation schedule? In our state, the standard is one parent gets first half of the holiday (meaning Christmas) and the other parent gets the second half of the break (meaning new years). Stick with the schedule if you have one. If not then see if dh would be willing to compromise and have ss on new years instead. Does he know that you would fly without him or does he think if he stays then you will too? Tell him how you feel, too. Tell him you want to go spend the holiday with your family and that you want him to go too because you don't want him to miss the twins first Christmas. Explain how much it means to you. Sorry you are in this situation.

I'm with Caregiver, I know it is hard to think of your dh not being there. That was my first thought too. However your twins won;t know it is Christmas anyway.

I would let my dh know how I felt though. I would tell him I don't understand why he would want to miss their first Christmas. Is there a reason he doesn't want bm to have him? Did he have him last year? I ask b/c if he had him last year what is wrong with not having him this year?

Also since Dh was just in Italy can he get this much time off of work - really you should go alone with your mother and enjoy a few months over there - okay maybe I want to go to Tuscany so bad that that is making me push you to go - lol

then princess I think you have every right to ask this of your dh! In blended families it is a fact that the step kids aren't going to be able to spend every holiday with each parent. Just can't happen. If I were you I would have a serious heart to heart with him and tell him what you just said here. Tell him how you feel about him making a big deal of ss's firsts and you want the same for his other kids and that ss is not an only child anymore.

I would also tell your dh in the perspective that they are his kids. Like your kids that and your kids this. I would not say my kids. so that your dh will get it that they are his kids just as much as ss is.

Sue I still think you are wrong to expect her to stay home. I have tried to explain it but I don't think I'm doing such a good job. I think it is your opinion that she should stay home. That is a moot point to what you are other wise saying. This year is no different than any other year. Next year will be the same he will not go b/c of ss. It is still not fair that their other kids and his wife should be expected to not see their grandparents or parents just b/c ss can't go. The ss will never most likely be able to go. So what next year you are going to tell her to stay home b/c yet again she is wanting him to choose?

She has an issue with wanting to go to see her mom and the only reason her dh won't go is b/c of ss. There should be a compromise. that compromise is something they need to work out.

Unless you are a devout Christian, Christmas is when you say it is. If you stay here in the states, will you have a large family gathering of DH's family to see the twins here? Would you have that in Italy?

I think you can have the commercial aspect of Christmas with SS on a day you mark on the calendar as Christmas. We're not Christians, so we don't celebrate the religious aspects of the holiday here. One of the skids BMs is a Christian, so we let her have SD "the day of". The big deal for us is Winter Solstice, so we typically like to have the kids the first week of Winter Holiday and we let the BMs have them for the second week of the winter break from school, which usually contains Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Solstice Eve we have a feast and Solstice day we open gifts. That's just the way it is here because we have to accommodate a blended family.

Can you keep SS the first week of Holiday, celebrate your stuff with him and have your private family celebration with the twins then, and then he can spend his Christmas with BM, and you and DH can go to Italy, where your family can share in the celebration as well? Is there some other reason your husband doesn't want to go? Either way, DH and BM can't both have SS Christmas day, so somebody is going to have to come up with some sort of compromise.

Norma that is what I was trying to say. LOL me and the way I word things! No the kid can't be at 2 places at once.

I like the two separate Christmases idea. Could become a tradition.

Alternatively, couldn't DH (with or without SS) fly out separately? Granted you'd be apart on the "day of" - but again, it's up to you when you have your own family time.

L