You are here

is this REALLY too much to ask for?

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 2:54pm

Ok so some of you might know a little about my situation but for those of you who don't...DH lives in a foreign country, and I have slowly been moving in with him (taking things every time I go see him which is AT LEAST every 3 months, we just bought a house!) Anyway, I am graduating in June and planned to move out there right after graduation BUT I have been thinking lately that I should probably stay for at least a year after graduating so that I can pay off my student loans (I owe a small enough amount that I should be able to pay it off within a year). DH has never been here to visit me because he can't get a visa, he has tried twice and was rejected both times. So I went to speak to a lawyer and he told me I could start his paperwork so that he could get his US citizenship. According to the lawyer, he will get some sort of visa or permit to be here and after eight months he will be become a resident. HERE IS THE PROBLEM. Once he has his residency, he has to live here for TWO YEARS before they will award him his citizenship. If he does not live here, his residency can be taken away and he will have no way of coming into the US. We are not planning to live here. The only reason I am pursuing him getting his citizenship is because I want to be able to come visit family here, bring my future kids to see their grandparents and I would like to have DH come with me and this is the only way that he can come. Also, JUST IN CASE at any point in the future for WHATEVER reason we may need to move here, we will have his citizenship (I am a planner for the most part and I always want even the most extreme "what if" covered). I haven't told DH about this, I think I am afraid to because I know what he is going to say. He is going to tell me that he cannot be away from his son for so long. I am going to tell him we can go see SS every 2 months and we can have him come see us every winter break/spring break/summer vacation. DH is going to say no. I am going to tell him that it is the only way and that it is in the benefit of our future family. DH is not going to care about any of this and I will get frustrated and hurt again.

Am I exaggerating here? I mean is it unreasonable for me to ask him to move away from his son for TWO years? I mean this would be the equivalent of bi-coastal parenting. I don't think this is an unreasonable request but SS is top priority so I will just have to suck it up. After all, who gives a sh*t about the wicked stepmother anyway? Certainly not her dear husband. Sad

Comments

sixteensmom's picture

Submitted by sixteensmom on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 3:21pm

How long have you been married? If you have a child in this country your husband can't come see you and the child? How old is his son? Is bm in the picture?

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 3:31pm

We have been married for almost a year and we don't have children yet but I would like my children to be born here (when we have them) and if he didn't have his citizenship he would not be able to be present for the birth. BM is in the picture and he lives with her full time. DH only has his son one night a week. If DH were to live here he would not be able to see SS as often but we would have him for longer periods of time (ie: 2 months in the summer). SS is 3.5 and if we went through with this DH probably wouldn't have to come live here until SS was 4.5 or 5.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 3:40pm

You could talk to a lawyer in the county where DH's divorce case is based out of and see what they say about what visitation DH can get if he moves. Then, you can see what the lawyer says and go from there.

Also, I have to ask this, and I'm not saying this in any way to be mean or derogatory. You said you would like to have children in the future. How would you feel if you only got to see those children every two months, even though you'll have them all summer and for the entirety of their school breaks? This is something you need to consider when talking with DH. Try to do this in the gentlest way possible. And by the same token, he should be equally considerate towards you.

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 4:05pm

I really appreciate you putting it in those terms because I honestly didn't even think about it like that and you are right, I would NOT want to be away from my children for that long. Thank you!! This really makes me think about where DH is coming from. It is pretty selfish of me to ask him to be away from SS for so long. Thanks! Smile

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 3:37pm

Are you legally married to him, and where did you get married? If you married him in his country you should be able to apply for a K-3 spousal visa. As I understand it these are very rarely rejected in the case of a genuine marriage between a foreigner and a US citizen. It would take several months to get the visa, then he could travel to the US entering with the spousal visa. Once here, he can apply to convert the visa to a "green card" or permanent resident card. This is not the same as citizenship, which does take longer. However citizenship is not required for travel back and forth. He can travel back and forth with the permanent resident card. It's true that the purpose of the permanent resident card is to allow residence in the US, and they will revoke it if your spouse does not intend to become a permanent resident. How you handle that particular issue is a personal matter. With the resident card he can be outside the US up to six months each year. Check out this link:

http://www.immihelp.com/greencard/retain-greencard.html

Good luck with your situation...

L

young_step_mom's picture

Submitted by young_step_mom on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 4:08pm

Thanks for the links, I will look into it and discuss it with DH and my lawyer. I believe last time he applied for a visa it was simply for travel, so I will look into the spousal visa!!! Thanks Smile I feel a lot better now that we have this other option!

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Sat, 11/20/2010 - 11:26pm

YSM,

If you and DH do decide to do this, DH can get a court order mandating how much phone contact he'll get with SS each week. He could also skype him. I know SS is very young but that way they will still get to see each other often, even if it's only over the computer. I know a lot of divorced people who skype with their kids, and they really like it.