SD is bad at BM house so she call DH
Sequel to my previous blog about Karma - I cant stand it anymore, SD10 is being a real little shit at BM house, calls BM slut, mole etc etc, she has sent text to BM saying "i hate you fucken cont" (her spelling) and yet she doesnt behave like that at our house. The problem is this kid has absolutely no boundary's for eg, after sending that text from her phone at our house SD calls BM and says i am out of credit, BM then drives around to our house to give her more !!! :? All this started when BM got herself a new boyfriend and she has left them to live with DH in the past when she has got new boyfriends
The kid gets everything she wants, because BM wants to be the favourite all the time. SS13 is just as bad, he send his mum nasty messages like that too. Anyway how i see it is 4 years ago when DH met me she took the kids off him, lied to them about me and DH constantly told skids DH didnt love them he had a new family now, Stepmum is a stipper whore who met your daddy while dancing naked for him... the list goes on.
Fast forward 4 years and SD10 has become a psyhcotic little bitch in BM care (not our problem as far i am concerned) she created that monster not us. BM call DH to help talk to SD cos SD is upset and angry and yelling abuse at BM. Once again, sucked in to BM but no DH helps. I have had enough!!! this then causes fights in our house because it is not our concern and DH then tells me that i am the problem cos it is his daughter and he wants to help her. SD10 manipulates DH because she starts her crying and shit. I explained to DH all SD needs is a good kick up the ass, and BM has caused this extreme damage to this child and she needs to sort it out. We can not control what happens in that house. We can only do what we can when we have them, besides it was BM who told the courts DH was a bad parent.
I am so sick of DH being helpful to BM especially after all the hell she put us through, he claims though that its his daughter blah blah blah, but i see it as she doesnt behave like that with us so why does BM expect his help. How dare she. BM buys SD10 and SS13 everything they want and it is her own fault.
I am sick of us fighting about what happens in someone elses house, it is interfering with my own family and i cant take it anymore. DH is all civil on the phone to BM and then starts abusing the shit out of me when he gets off because i am cranky about it, and he is frustrated with her. He tells me to just butt out, its not my business and that i just make stuff harder because i cant keep my mouth shut.
Maybe i will just shut my mouth then once and for all, maybe i should just let him have the kids all to himself seeing as it is none of my business anyway. I am over it, i dont deserve this shit. He and BM can have each other seeing as they are such wonderful parents to their severly damaged children.
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This crap is classic. I've
This crap is classic. I've been through it too. We dealt with the sk's being little terrors with BM as well, but she lived 2500 miles away with them. One night we got a phone call from BM's birth mother (the 2 of them didn't even meet until about 12 years ago). She was literally chewing my dh out telling him that his kids are HORRIBLE and disrespectful to both her and her mother and HE needs to do something about it. Well, he's not one to take crap off anyone typically so he didn't cave to her like he would have BM and he said, "Look, I'm 2500 miles away, so I don't know exactly what you think I am supposed to do about it. When the kids lived with me they did NOT behave that way. Maybe if their mother would set out some rules and lay down some consequences and not ALLOW them to talk to everyone like dirt they wouldn't act that way." Well, thing was... they DID act like that with us, just not as bad and he was in denial about it then and still is. They used to get in trouble at school all the time for being disrespectful. And after we got them back a year or so after this phone call, the disrespect continued and continues on a worse level now that they are adults.
I used to hear all the time that I was the problem. In fact... I still hear it in not so many words from both him AND sd20. Since I've disengaged, the problem is not being taken care of because I won't talk to sd. Uh, the phone, texts, and e-mails all go 2 ways... she can send one just as easily as I could, but that isn't ever going to happen and he knows it. He just wants me to lay down and take it and I won't do it. I wish I would have disengaged YEARS ago and only talked to him about things that really directly effected me when they were in our home. I wish I would have let him deal with all of the discipline, all of the doctor's appointments, all of the school BS, EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, I didn't even know about disengaging until a little while ago. If dh wants you to keep your mouth shut... I'd give it to him in a large dose of "deal with your own cuz they're NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY!" It's the only way I've been able to maintain my sanity.
Thankyou thankyou, that is
Thankyou thankyou, that is exactly what i will do, I am so glad i am not the only one however, i am still sorry you had to put up with it too. I could see this behaviour coming years ago. I always knew her bullshit would bite her in the ass i am just pissed that her bullshit is biting us in the ass too because DH lets it
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Just because you disengage doesn't mean you aren't going to get pissed about the things they do... it just means that you are only choosing to address the things that directly affect you and you are making your dh responsible for his own kids in every possible way.
The above is the website for the disengaging essay that I found to be SOOOOO helpful. Maybe you will too. It's kind of lengthy but there is some great information there. The realities that it has numbered I am currently trying to commit to memory. Disengaging is NOT easy because I know even with my sk's living out of our home and being adults, I still LOVE to chime in my 2 cents worth to dh about it sometimes. Like last night, ss22 posted on fb and myspace that he does not suggest drinking and then fighting because he's paying for it this morning, but it was fun. DH mentioned it today and I said, "Yeah, that's REALLY freakin' mature!" DH immediately became defensive (as usual) and says, "He's been training for MMA fighting. He probably had his first fight last night." I said, "Oh, even smarter... let's get drunk before I go into a ring." DH said, "That was so he wouldn't feel the pain until today." I said, "Yeah, that makes a WORLD of sense!!" and shut up. So, even I have a hard time sometimes and have had to several times stop myself when I get on a tangent and say, "DISENGAGE!!" to myself.
Also I will warn you that the disengaging has brought about some irritation with my dh because of course I refuse to cave to what he wants... it's easier for him for sd to come here with his grandson for him to see him and spend time with him (basically because dh is lazy when it comes to making any attempts at relationships). He tells me that this isn't working... tells me that I am not helping anything by acting this way... and he has become MUCH MORE defensive of his kids than he was before when I DO say something because before he used to just THINK that I couldn't stand his kids and now he knows sd has pushed me to the point where I seriously do NOT like her!! I love her... you don't give all I did to a kid and not love them. But I do NOT like her AT ALL right now. She's been extremely hurtful intentionally.
So you are going to start something by disengaging and I feel it's only fair to warn you about that. He's not going to like that he has to be 100% responsible for his kids... before he could just push it off on you when he didn't want to deal with something. If he needs your help with something when you are disengaged, he will have to ASK you and AGREE to whatever terms you lay out for that specific situation.
But I'm sure the essay will help you... I know it did me.
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Just because you disengage doesn't mean you aren't going to get pissed about the things they do... it just means that you are only choosing to address the things that directly affect you and you are making your dh responsible for his own kids in every possible way.
The above is the website for the disengaging essay that I found to be SOOOOO helpful. Maybe you will too. It's kind of lengthy but there is some great information there. The realities that it has numbered I am currently trying to commit to memory. Disengaging is NOT easy because I know even with my sk's living out of our home and being adults, I still LOVE to chime in my 2 cents worth to dh about it sometimes. Like last night, ss22 posted on fb and myspace that he does not suggest drinking and then fighting because he's paying for it this morning, but it was fun. DH mentioned it today and I said, "Yeah, that's REALLY freakin' mature!" DH immediately became defensive (as usual) and says, "He's been training for MMA fighting. He probably had his first fight last night." I said, "Oh, even smarter... let's get drunk before I go into a ring." DH said, "That was so he wouldn't feel the pain until today." I said, "Yeah, that makes a WORLD of sense!!" and shut up. So, even I have a hard time sometimes and have had to several times stop myself when I get on a tangent and say, "DISENGAGE!!" to myself.
Also I will warn you that the disengaging has brought about some irritation with my dh because of course I refuse to cave to what he wants... it's easier for him for sd to come here with his grandson for him to see him and spend time with him (basically because dh is lazy when it comes to making any attempts at relationships). He tells me that this isn't working... tells me that I am not helping anything by acting this way... and he has become MUCH MORE defensive of his kids than he was before when I DO say something because before he used to just THINK that I couldn't stand his kids and now he knows sd has pushed me to the point where I seriously do NOT like her!! I love her... you don't give all I did to a kid and not love them. But I do NOT like her AT ALL right now. She's been extremely hurtful intentionally.
So you are going to start something by disengaging and I feel it's only fair to warn you about that. He's not going to like that he has to be 100% responsible for his kids... before he could just push it off on you when he didn't want to deal with something. If he needs your help with something when you are disengaged, he will have to ASK you and AGREE to whatever terms you lay out for that specific situation.
But I'm sure the essay will help you... I know it did me.