UGH! SS is ruining my Chistmas spirit!...long (UPDATED)
I am so furious right now! So DH & I have sone most of our Christmas shopping, except for the kids. Every year we set a budget on how much we will spend on each person we shop for and we pretty much stick to the amount we set. So since TG I have been asking DH what our budget was for the kids (ss13 included). He is our sole provider since I'm a stay at home mom so he decides what we can afford since his paycheck varies each month.
A little history- The past 3 Christmases we have not seen ss. The 1st Christmas he missed we bought him gifts and dh couldn't get a hold of bm. (They used to not go by the CO so bm would have ss when she wanted and dh would get him when he could-usually Christmas plus a few days or after Christmas a few days.) So dh called and called every number possible and nothing. So we saved his gifts. That was alsothe beginning of ss visits slowing down big time and eventually stopping. The next Christmas we still had the gifts! We didn't buy him anything new and kept the old gifts in case we saw him. Nope. We gave away most ofthe gifts that next year. Last year ss started visiting right before Christmas again. We didn't see him for Christmas but dh gave him $100 gift card to toys r us.
So this year ss visits regularly due to a new CO which is being followed by dh and bm. So I kept asking dh what our budget for all 4 kids was. He kept ignoring me. I knew something was up. He mentioned he wanted to get ss an electric scooter that cost $100 and that would be it or him. I kept asking him to set a budget for our 3 kids too. Nothing. Now dh likes to go all out for Christmas. He also is a guilty dad when it comes to ss...not a good combo. So I knew something was up. Mondy he told me he bought ss the scooter. I was ok
with that. I just asked what te budget was for our 3. Nothing.
Tonight he went to toysr us to look around. He also finally told me what our budget for our kids was so I decide to look online to get some ideas. I find out that he scooter dh bought ss was $200,not $100 like he told me! I was upset and asked him about it. He said he was going to return the scooter anyways becausw there was something else ss wanted instead. Fine. Then tonight he walks in with something elsefor ss that costs another $100. He says, "I'm done with ss." I said, "oh, what else did you get him?" Dh replied with, "this, that scooter..." Um...ithought we were returning the scooter to get this gift? No, I want to give him both. I was livid! The budget he set for our kids was less than what he spent on ss! I told him it isn't fair to spend
more on ss than our kids and that we need to spend the same on each of them (as was the rule before ss).
His reply? Wait for it..."well we don't have the money to do that." HOW STUPID CAN HE BE?! I then asked
him which item of ss he was returning so that we could do that.
So we argue about it. He gets a hateful attitude and says if he wants to spend that on his son then he will and he can do what he wants. (alluding to the fact that I'm a SAHM) Now honestly, I don't think we should spend as much on ss as we do our kids anyway, just because bm gets a hefty cs payment anyway. In fact other men dh knows don't spend as much on their kids Christmas gifts if they pay hefty cs payments sobi kind of thought it'd be like that with us. But I can also understand spending the same amount on all kids. I do NOT understand spending MORE on that brat than the others.
Yes, that brat. He never returns his dad's phone calls, texts or messages. He has never given his dad a gift or even a homemade card for dh's birthdays, Christmas or father's day. No phone calls on those days to tell his dad happy day or happy father's day or whatever. During the time he wasn't visiting it was because he didn't want to. Dh didn't force him but ss flat out said he didn't want to come. During that time ss ONLY called or texted dh when he wanted something. He only comes now because of the CO and because he knows how to play his dad to get stuff out of him. He is mean to our kids (his half-sibs) and has a bad entitlement attitude. He is ungrateful and unappreciative for anything he does have and never says thank you.
And now he is saying that brat is getting more than my kids?! I'm so mad. I'm also hurt that dh was deceitful and lied to me! He was hiding his intentions from me and lied to me about the price of the scooter. I am losing trust in him! I feel betrayed. Thanks for listening to my vent...forthose who have read all this!
***UPDATE***
Ok, so after that all happened I DID go do some shopping for our kids. I told dh after the fact. He finally agreed we could spend the same amount he spent on ss on EACH of our 3 kids. (forgetting we had done MOST of the other family shopping but not all.) So I did. He makes commission so I figured he knew a good check was coming or something. Today was payday. Dh asked whose gifts we still needto buy. I gave him the list (mostly his family). He freaked out. What?! We still need to get all those gifts? I kept my mouth shut but wanted to say, "well dear, you wanted to spend all that money on ss which is what started this mess..." But I stayed quiet. When his side of the family gets crappy gifts then maybe he'll realize. Ha ha! At least my family's side was taken care of after TG!
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Comments
Ask your DH this simple
Ask your DH this simple question - ask him why his child is more special than all of the other children - and why does his child get 2 christmases with both him and the BM going all out and your children suffer - you tell DH that if he insists on spending all of this money on SS that you will take any money that you were going to spend on DH and put it for your kids and then hit him over the head - this kind of bullshit pisses me off - these freaking kids get double everything and these freaking disney parents just have to be in competition with each other - why should your kids have to have less because your SS needs a freaking scooter that he probably won't even use - also I would be so pissed that DH lied to me - that tells you right there he knows what he is doing is so very wrong - I wish I could smack him for you!!!!!
I brought up the fact that ss
I brought up the fact that ss gets 2 Christmases and our kids get one. His reply was that all kids get Christmas fromboth parents when both parents work. Whatever. I explained to him how no, normally married parents set a budget per kid hich is what we do. But with ss he'll get gifts from his mom and dad SEPERATELY. He said then our kids will never know that SS is getting two Christmases unless I tell them. I said ss will know and throw it in their faces later.
And the scooter...you are SO right! Dh wants to keep it here which means ss will hardly use it since he comes only twice a month. By the time the weather warms up he'll probably outgrow it And think it is too kiddy anyway. Right now ss acts like a little kid but I don't think it'll last too much longer.
Okay - so the scooter will
Okay - so the scooter will never be used - DH pays for both of his SS's christmases and of course they will know he has 2 christmases - I am so sorry that your DH is such a bonehead - where is his reasoning in this that the scooter that he lied about will of course never be used tell him if he is trying to compete with his ex that is will only be losing out of money as he pays lots of CS and she will use that for the SS's presents and usually kids with intact parents get less than divorced kids get it is a fact and he knows it but wants to look like the big man on Campus - that just hit me I think most of these DH's just want to look like the big men on Campus that they can give more, have more fun with the skids and really all it does is decrease our sex drives for them and make us poor in the process - tell him that no he can't have the scooter - and whatever else he wanted to buy him that SS wants that is what he will appreciate not the scooter - I would just take the scooter back to the store and then deal with DH - it seems most of them deal with the motto it is easier to say I am sorry than ask permission so you do the same take back the scooter (DH may get mad but he won't leave you and maybe it will bring him to his senses) and then say you are sorry but he would not listen to reason and this was the only way you could get him to - and just because you are a SAHM does not mean you do not get equal say in the matter - it is hard to keep a home and your man happy especially when they are being buttheads!!!! lol
I did think about that-
I did think about that- returning the scooter. We'll see though.
Electric Scooter -
Electric Scooter - $200.00
Boiling Point of you - thisclose
Look on DH's face when he realizes that scooter was taken back to the store on Christmas Morning - Priceless
}:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:)
Too funny!
Too funny!
Well we have bought our older
Well we have bought our older two a few things and the baby won't know the difference. We do Christmas with my parents so our kids would still get gifts. To be honest, our kids are so grateful and good about gifts they wouldn't even notice if ss got more. I would know though. Plus it sets a precedence for that to happen again and again. And eventually our kids WILL notice. But the things is we aren't the type to just buy our kids stuff for no reason during the year. Yeah, an occasional toy from the dollar section or they might get a movie or toy if they earn it. But nice good toys are for bdays and Christmas. Now dh wants to stiff them on that too! I hate to say it but I want to go back to the days when ss didn't visit. Dh was such a better dad then.
Our older two are 4 and 5. So
Our older two are 4 and 5. So thy don't need $300 worth of stuff. They are very appreciatie and don't really ask or things. Sure they'll see a toy and say they want it for Christmas, but they would honestly be fine with anything they got. I just don't want to set a precedence where dh thinks every year he can spoil his brat but short change our kids because eventually our kids will notice. They are already pretty bright and observant now anyway. And also, we don't buy our kids toys for no reason. They can earn a small toy by doing things or can sometimes choose something from the dollar aisle at target, but nothing big. We only get them things for bday an Christmas so short changing them now means that's it til bdays and ds just had a bday. (of course we were short on funds then so he didn't get much then.)
"Kids that get everything
"Kids that get everything appreciate nothing."
this is soooooo true!!!! My DH does the same thing every year buying his daughter everything under the sun and she appreciates NOTHING!!!!! When are these dads going to learn??????
I am going to agree with
I am going to agree with Caregiver here.
I've seen some of these entitled brats recieve more gifts this time of year from many various homes that feel "sorry" for them, (give me a break- I was one too) than an entire orphanage could ever dream of.
It is absurd.
EMPATHY!!! It is a precious thing to teach children. WTH happened?
I agree with everything! I
I agree with everything! I didn't care what my dh thought in the very beginning I spent what needed to be spent! I taught my dh a very good lesson, I matched and then some on my kids the second christmas we were together b/c he thought he could spend way more on them when I knew they were getting 2 of everything and mine only got one! It hit him like a ton of bricks in the checking account and he had to scramble to pay our bills. He never ever spend more on his kids then we could afford after that. Sometimes it takes a little reality check for them to get it!
Well he maybe the breadwinner
Well he maybe the breadwinner but so effin what!! you surely have a credit card right? I'd take it as my go ahead to splurge on all of my kids the same he did for SS. if he gets pissed and questions you.. you reply with the same thing he said "if i want to spend that on my kids i will" or better yet, spend as you normally do on your kids, as not to teach them that they will everything under the sun when mommys mad at daddy (could spike problems lol) but use the difference b/t what you budget for each of your kids to what he spent on his.. not sure the amount but say what $200 a pop? so take the $600 difference and drop it in pre-paid therapy sessions for hubby for Christmas so he can start dealing with whatever issues he has that causes him to put one child over the others!
Love that idea! He does hve
Love that idea! He does hve issues since he is also a child of divorce. Seriously, he admits there are still unresolved issues there. I'm not saying just because he comes from a divorced home that he has problems.
"what $200 a pop? so take the
"what $200 a pop? so take the $600 difference and drop it in pre-paid therapy sessions for hubby for Christmas so he can start dealing with whatever issues he has that causes him to put one child over the others!"
Best idea on here!! DH is out of line, if he can't see that he's got serious issues.
I had similar issues with DH
I had similar issues with DH in the past, and he was the SAHD while I worked and paid his CS! I'll admit, I agreed to the arrangement so that DH could stay home with our young bios. But something about buying gifts for our children at Christmas made DH feel very guilty about SS and he tried to go overboard, too. Unfortunately for DH, I'm the one who handles the finances in our household and that shit don't fly with me.
I don't know how old your bios are, but is it possible that they'll get any use out of a scooter that's been left behind by SS? Maybe the scooter could be a "shared" gift - teaches kids the importance of sharing and taking turns. A lesson that won't be lost on SS I'm sure.
It's an electric scooter for
It's an electric scooter for ages 13 and up. My bios are 5,4 and 9mths. So any future use would be a looooong time away and chances are by the time they are old enough to use it, we won't have it, it'll be too old or whatever. I don't mind keeping thescooter if dh returns verything else and that is ALL ss gets. But heaven forbid he only get ss ONE gift!
Thanks for all your comments.
Thanks for all your comments. Dh was makin me feel like I'm in the wrong for not treating his son the same way as our kids. I finally just told him that I'm tired of trying not to how favortism towards my kids when ss is around and that now that he has decided to blatantly show favortism then I'm going to stop not taking sides. I told him the difference with me is that he is hoeing favortism between one of his own kids and I'm not. I said I'm always going to favor my kids because SS IS NOT MY KID!!! I also found out why he feels he has to give ss more. He brought up not taking ss on our trip in October. Ss found a souvenir but didn't make a big deal about it. But our kids started talking about our trip. Actually ss didn't seem to care and said he'd been there before but I know dh felt guilty which is why he threw it in my face out of the blue.
I decided to just give up the fight. I AM still hurt he lied and was decetful. And on that point I'm not lettig it go. But as far as him spending that much on ss I'm giving up that fight. Last night dh said to not get him anything for Christmas and that this year will be about the kids. What he means is he is not returning anything & we'll just rebudget and what we were going to spend on dh we'll spend on our kids instead. So I decided to drop it. We don't have credit cards and even so I wouldn't do that. We are trying to be debt free. My kids will still get presents. They really are grateful and will be happy with whatever they get from us. Besides, we do Christmas at my parents so I know my parents will get them plenty, especially now since my mom has noticed dh spending more on ss.
However today I am going shopping for my kids without telling dh. I figure I'll tell him AFTER the fact, like he did. Childish maybe, but at least I know my kids will get some things. Besides, dh puts aside money during the year so we have some Christmas money, so I know we have money. I always tell him in advance when I spend just as a heads up. Not this time. Also, toys r us is having a sale tomorrow, so guess where I'll be? And I will still get dh a few things. By not getting him anything he will feel justified in spending that much on ss. By still getting him things he will feel guilty. I know how he works. At least I thought I did! But that is it for now. Dh and I are still not really getting along but nothing to major. I talked to my mom and feel better. Basically I know dh will never buy ss love and he's going to have to learn that on his own. Anyway, I'm off to shop!
I know in the past husband
I know in the past husband has bought way more gifts than the rest of us. Like 6 gifts for nephew and my daughter and 12 for SD. I told him this year that we have a budget and he will not be spending all this money on her and I was very serious about it. I'm curious how this will pan out this year.
Good luck! We have always set
Good luck! We have always set a budget per person and stick with it pretty well. But te last few Christmases ss wasn't comic around so he wasn't in the budget really. This year it only became a problem because ss WAS in the picture again and I guess dh felt he didn't have to set a budget. Whatever. My suggestion would be either to set the budget and get it out in cash to spend (it's harder to spend when you see money flying away than if you swipe a card and balance later, in my opinion) or buy skids last so he is forces to spend only what was budgeted and left on his kid. "oops, sorry, looks like we only have x-amt left for skid..." or buy skid's first and his gifts to his parents or whoever get cut because "oops, spent too much on skid, guess your mom doesn't get a gift this year". Ha ha! Good luck though!