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Another issue in need of advice...please

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:04am

Why does my SD9 hide in her closet?? Her dad and I have a very nice, quiet home. I know her BM and BF fight all the time...but there is no need for her to hide in her closet at our house.

I've spoken with her about this and she says that she likes to play her DS or listen to music in her closet... I told her NO she cannot sit in her closet, she can sit on her bed or go downstairs is she needs some time to herself....again I found her in the closet just sitting there listening to music...by the way this girl is super smart and very well spoken...

What is going on here? I'm getting worried....

Z Sad

Comments

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:36am

Ok I will leave her alone..thanks for advice..much appreciated..

P.S. Like the idea of table, mirror, book, radio..etc...

Z Smile

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:17am

Let her be. I used to hide in my closet because my mom would beat me with whatever object was closest at hand. If she couldn't find me, she couldn't beat me. I outgrew that and no longer hide in closets, but it was what I needed at the time to feel safe. Just keep trying to draw her out.

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:19am

Thanks Elizabeth and I'm sorry that your mom did that to you...truly I am sorry...

I will let her be and give her some space...but I will keep trying to make her life better...

thanks,

Z Smile

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:22am

I should say, for the record, that my mom did not do that ALL the time. She just had three small kids and lived in the middle of nowhere and was a stay-at-home mom and didn't cope with it well. But when she went on a rampage, I knew I'd better just disappear as I was definitely the one of the three that she took her anger out on. The closet was small and dark and safe...

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:17am

Ok so I should just let her be?? hmmmmm ok I will try that and see where it goes...I know she is not happy at her BM's house but my gosh she is always defending her...and trust me we do not speak about her BM. But for instance the other day she wanted to stay with us for dinner so she called her BM and asked is she could stay with us for a few more hours and of course her BM said no. So when I asked what her BM said she started making excuses and so I had to tell her I simply asked if you are staying for dinner or am I dropping you off at the regular time.. I'm not sure why she gets so defensive about her mom..but my god if anything is said (and it's nothing derogatory) she goes into self defense mode..it's unreal..

Thanks for that Foxie...

Z Smile

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:21am

My SD17 will defend BM with her dying breath, despite the fact that BM would send her to school and let her go hungry because she refused to even pay for school lunches. BM moved an hour away and left SD behind with us when SD was 11. BM refused to pay for any of SD's needs and so it all fell on us (glasses, dentist, food, activities, you name it). But in SD's eyes, BM walks on water. SD came over one time and said BM had spanked her something like 30 times that day. I'm sure it was an exaggeration but I'm sure she was spanked multiple times. BM used to slap SD across the face starting at about age 5, and instead of having the sense to be ashamed, BM tried to convince me to tell DH that BM was right to do it. I disagreed. BMs walk on water no matter how bad they are.

Asher10's picture

Submitted by Asher10 on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:13am

Why pick at her for hanging out in her closet?what's the big deal?It's a closed space,cozy,safe.She'll grow out of it.I used to love small secret little hideaway places like that when i was a kid.It's just like having a security blanket or a favorite teddy bear.Some adults still have the teddy bear they used to sleep with when they were kids.It's all about comfort and safety. Wink

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:21am

Ok I do agree that I should let her be. I was concerned about her given what goes on at her BM's house. But given everyone's comments I see that she needs her space, so I will let her be...

I do thank you all for being so honest, I do appreciate it...
z Smile

Asher10's picture

Submitted by Asher10 on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:24am

I bet she would love it if you bought her some comfy funky pillows and cute stuff to put in her closet.It will show her that you support her need for a safe space.she might even invite you to chill in there with her to play a card game or something little like that?

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:28am

Actually I did buy her quite a few funky pillows that she could put in there...hmmm. I do support her I just dont want her to keep her feelings all bottled up...

I might just take her lead in this and see where it goes...

Z Smile

Asher10's picture

Submitted by Asher10 on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:31am

Oh i have an idea!!see if she's agreeable to it if you like it: instead of having the traditional closet with doors on it,you could take the doors off and put up those cool twinkly streamer things they sell at Claire's.It would still give her privacy but it would make her more receptive to guests in her personal space.So it wouldn't be like she's hanging out in the dark closet it would just be an extension of her bedroom.or you could do like hot pink sheers(or whatever color matches her room) or something similar?

Zoie's picture

Submitted by Zoie on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 10:38am

That's a great idea, I saw some of those bead streamer things that we could put up, she has double doors in her closet so that would be adorable...thanks for the idea..I love it..

Z Smile

RaeRae's picture

Submitted by RaeRae on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 11:38am

All 3 of our girls (SD13, BD13, and SD9) spend time in the closet. Reading, DSi, dollhouses, trying on each others clothes... Closets are small, cozy, and probably provides them with a sense of security being in a quiet, closed space with their special toys and clothes..