thank fully my DH does like a degree of order in the house, so the skid discipline is ALL on him... I don't ask them to do anything (not do anything)... and I don't do anything FOR them either. If they want to dirty 42 dishes then so be it, but I'm not washing them.. DH is. If they want to leave their crap strewn all over the house, then so be it.. DH can pick up after them, if they want to leave the clothes in their drawers a wrinkled mess by pawing through them, them so be it, DH can re-fold all of their laundry. I prety much just go about my own business when skids are there... in my book they are DH's responsibility, not mine (I have also disengaged though for many reasons)

I guess if you have a DH who doesn't care about the house being in order then you have problems when it comes to these things....

This seems out of the norm, but, I don't cook, clean, pick-up, drop-off, babysit or do anything for his kids unless he specifically asks me to do him a favor. I in turn don't ask him to do these things for my daughter. When the kids are together we whoever has time cooks or we go out to eat and as far as cleaning he is responsible for his kids and I am for mine. We have a housekeeper and I know that makes a huge difference by not doing the motherly things for his kids I doun't feel the resentment I think a lot of you do. They still annoy and life is not perfect but I know it bothers him that I am always the cool, nice one with the kids and he has to be the bad guy. The truth is that his kids require more work than mine. I don't get upset if they look sloppy, dirty, don't do homework, etc... I am the aunt,friend etc... in their eyes and they love being with me and we have a great relationship. I think a lot of stepmoms set them self up to be disappointed. If I did all those things and they didn't listen to me I would be pissed. This way I can be around them without the need to tell them what to do or how to do it. In my mind how they turn out is totally up to their parents, not me. I hope this doesn't sound judgemental but I really think sm's would back off and stop taking on the responsibility they would feel totally different. To the poster who said nothing would get done, my attitude would be so what? It's not my problem.

I wont dicipline or give permission for SQUAT! but i will put my foot down in my house...i will make them clean up after themselve's and when i need help THANK GOD my dh will make sure ALL kids (mine and his) helps...

For me, it's how un-natural blended families are. You always hear about animals having offspring, but they don't have to deal with exes, new spouses, stepparents or stepkids.

Having said that, I found myself married to a man who has to deal with his ex because they have two kids under 18. BM seemed to occupy my home EOW. She wasn't literally there, but all of the PAS and abuse she imparted on the kids was there. My DH was an enabler for the kids' bad behavior for awhile. In his defense, though, it is very hard to properly parent when you only have your kids 4 days enough. That is not nearly enough time for any parent to develop a healthy, loving, proper relationship with their kids.

The other thing that really made it difficult initially was the PAS. I never understood how a mother (or, in some cases, father) could do that to their children. Why cause the kids to suffer any more than they already have? The kids often felt uncomfortable because there were (and are) rules here and BM told them they did not have to listen to DH or me. Out of loyalty to her, they did as she said. I actually have to admit I did feel bad for them sometimes when they got in trouble. They felt they should not be in trouble because they were doing what Mom said. I felt bad for them (but didn't let that get them out of trouble as they still needed to learn that even though Mom might say it's ok to be rude to Dad and Anon, they're still responsible for their own behavior) because I feel that PAS is putting the kids in the middle unfairly. I felt (and still feel) that kids should be able feel safe, loved and secure in both their homes.

Well, we do it because we are the woman of the house and we take responsibility for the things that need to be done.

Whether you do any of it or you don't, the appreciation will remain the same. NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!!

Do things if you want to, don't do things if you don't want to. Basically make yourself happy, because BELIEVE ME, NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT!

No cure for assaholism! Love it!!

I used to do everything the first 2 years, and now at 5 years I really do the bare minimum and feel sooo much less resentful. DH does their laundry,cleans their room..I cook if I'm not working night shift, provide rides in a pinch, and babysit if I happen to be off on his weekly 2 night shifts. Up until this past Christmas I bought all their Christmas stuff,paid for sporting equip and fees,paid for getaways,clothes,redecorating their rooms etc... and came to the realization that as long as BM continues to badmouth me their deep down opinion of me will never change and I've grown so tired of not being appreciated. I really feel that unless you have BM's seal of approval SM will always be an outsider in the stepkids minds/hearts...

No cure for assaholism! Love it!!

I used to do everything the first 2 years, and now at 5 years I really do the bare minimum and feel sooo much less resentful. DH does their laundry,cleans their room..I cook if I'm not working night shift, provide rides in a pinch, and babysit if I happen to be off on his weekly 2 night shifts. Up until this past Christmas I bought all their Christmas stuff,paid for sporting equip and fees,paid for getaways,clothes,redecorating their rooms etc... and came to the realization that as long as BM continues to badmouth me their deep down opinion of me will never change and I've grown so tired of not being appreciated. I really feel that unless you have BM's seal of approval SM will always be an outsider in the stepkids minds/hearts...