I think that your dh was right in telling the woman that he will not take another beating from his child and if they want to talk about building the relationship then that is fine but no you don't need to go.

Jsmom,

I think your DH nailed his response to the therapist. I also agree with AD that most therapists are of the extremely liberal entitlement mind set.

When my XW and I were in counseling I found one that was all about personal accountability which drove my XW totally ape shit. To give an indication of how my XW was regarding the "your special because you are you" mantra that has taken over our country, she believed that flushing a poop after a child worked hard to learn how to use the toilet actually harmed the child's self esteem. She wrote a paper about her theory for a Psych class while she was working on her BSRN. That was the only paper she turned in for her undergrad that I did not write for her. I refused to write it because I thought it was total and complete CRAP! She got a C on the paper. The lowest grade she got on any paper I wrote for her was a B and there was only one B. All of the other papers I wrote for her were A papers.

I know, bad Rags. I should not have written her papers for her. But what can I say. I was in my early 20's and she had a really nice ass! Not that I got to partake of it very often, but it was truly world class.

My beautiful wife and I supported each other through grad school but she wrote her papers and I wrote mine. And..... there was no rationing of the ass in my second marriage during grad school! }:)

I am BOTH a SM AND BM. I am not here to bash you at all. I just honestly think that you are not here to get advice from people... you are here to bash your SD and you want to have your feelings justified and that's not what I'm about.

I too have a SD that was very hard to deal with in the beginning and every time she goes to her mother's home for a visit and comes back, she comes back with attitude. I COULD have the attitude that she's not my child therefore it's not my problem... OR I could have the attitude that I'm just going to hate her and force her back to her mother's. My SD doesn't follow instructions well, she doesn't like to clean her room, can NEVER remember to turn her bedroom light off, goes running to DH's mother and tells her lies and has HER not liking my children or me. She NEVER picks up after herself and she leaves a trail of mess behind her when she gets home from school (literally from the front door to her bedroom) and worst of all she's ALWAYS losing everything including her glasses because she just doesn't take care of anything. Does she irritate me? YES! Do I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes? YES! But I don't hate her. She's been disrespectful to me and I don't hate her. She's a billion times better off living with us and I am dedicated to making sure she stays in this home.

I love my DH with ALL my heart. His daughter is a part of his life and I respect the fact that if it came down to me or her it would NEED to be her because she's his child. I'm here to make my DH's life happy and I am VERY dedicated because of what he has brought to my life in return.

I'm going to share some advice that I learned when I was with my XBF. NOBODY has control or power over YOUR emotions but yourself. However you feel at any given time is YOUR choice. You can CHOOSE to be angry and miserable but in the end it's your choice isn't it?

I think your DH is going along with whatever you want to keep the peace with you but I bet he also has a lot of mixed emotions and I'm sure he still loves his daughter. I just think that at some point this is all going to bite you in the bottom. You may be enjoying some really good time with your DH right now but it could just be the calm before the storm. You can't have a truly good relationship without some give with your take and there's going to be some bad with the good. That's balance. My DH also puts up with my kids when they're being little buggers... it makes me love and respect him even more.

In conclusion I think you're allowing the anger and hatred you have for your DH's daughter to eat at you and it shows in your blogs. As humans we ALL make mistakes and children make the most mistakes because they are learning SO much everyday. How can we expect them to be perfect when we as adults cannot even be? You're not letting it go. Think of the different things your SD is learning from yours and your DH's example. She's learning that if a parent wants to, they can just walk away from their own child and for a woman no less. You disengaging is one thing but her own father disengaging is crazy. What if she DIDN'T have her mother?

Anyway, I think I've said most of my peace here. I'm sorry that you feel as though I pick on you. That is truly not my intention... you don't seem to react very well when someone isn't on your side and I'm wondering, if you can react to ME that way then, I'm sorry, but I can see why your SD got hostile.

I DO hope you figure it out and make it right. Your marriage may depend on it...

As a therapist, I tell you not to go---as of right now. If in the future things get better between SD and DH, then more than likely it will get better with you. There are only one or two times when a SP should go to therapy with DH--but this isn't one of them. I think this will allow the SD to pin you as a target and defelct what the real issue is--the relationship between the SD and the Bio-Parents. Just my professional opinion--from hundreds from family sessions. I've rarely asked a Step to be involved--especially when both bio-parents are active in the child's life.

BTW--I do the whole "own your own stuff", not the librel minded shit. Hand holding gets people no where. If a teen has their mouth open, 80% is probably a half-truth--especially inregards to parents. That comes from years of expereince with teens/young adults (to at least age 21).

i wouldn't go. she may still be angry yes, but i'd tell her like i directly told my sdaughter...if you're still mad about something you need to talk to that person you are mad at or sit down and shut up, i'm not feeling sorry for you anymore...may have been hard on her for ME to tell her that, but mom sure wont and dad was at a loss and i got to the point where my give a hoot was busted big time.

my daughter is currently seeing a counselor and we're hoping to have a group (parents only) session because a lot of her problems are things they both (dad and smom) need to hear the counselor tell them because they will not listen to me (to them what i tell them is out of spite towards them) and they ARE the direct root of her current problem

but i highly doubt the smom in my case will do it

I did go. When SD was about 9 we had her in therapy. I was the one who took her to almost every session, NOT DH or BM. Me. Well, after a couple of sessions of getting to know SD, the therapist asked to meet with DH and me and SD. We all went, hashed through some issues, I thought it went OK. Finally, therapist said she needed to meet with BM. BM refused, and counseling ended. Can't get very far when one of the primary people involved in the situation refuse to cooperate.

DH and I have also gone to couples therapy and it was very vindicating to have that therapist say in front of DH that I was the "convenient scapegoat" and that from SD's point of view there was nothing I could do RIGHT.

I went to the first two sessions with DH to get to know the therapist and she could get background. DH & SD went to several before I went---the therapists request. I went for a third visit. It became obvious real quick that me being there was a waste of their therapy time.. so I spoke up and said what I thought the problems were.. DH & BM unresolved anger, SD stuck in the middle PASed and learning the fine art of manipulation, and both parents ignoring the behavior and/or encouraging it. And that SD had a lot of anxiety.

Well, by the time the therapist pulled back the onion... and wanted to meet BM-- SD no longer liked the therapist. BM was not going to go to a therapist--not even for her own daughter. So, that was that.

I say don't go to therapy. I did once upon a time. It didn't do a lick of good. Just drained our pocket book.