I shared the "not my kid, not my problem" discussion with my wife.
She is a SD who was raised by her StepDad. Her dad and her mother married when she was 2mos old.
Her BioDad was killed in a car accident before her mother knew that she was pregnant with my wife.
She did not find the "not my kid, not my problem" to be a particularly appealing perspective and went immediately to a "you chose us so you help" perspective. Which I have never had a problem with.
Upon further discussion I determined that there seems to be a significant difference when there is a long term relationship between the Skid and the Sparent that begins at a very young age. My FIL has always considered my wife to be his oldest child in a similar way that I consider my SS to be my child. My wife was 2mos old when FIL became her daddy. He was there when she was born.
My SS was 1yo when I became his daddy.
As the discussion with my wife progressed I was of the mind that it is tougher to be a StepDad even when you start when the Skid is an infant if your Bioequivalent is in the picture.
My wife shared that her dad and her BioDad had known each other in HS and hated each other and that my FIL was pretty much haunted by the fantasy that my wife and my MIL had of BioDad.
I also think that my wife's negative reaction to the topic of discussion is based on a long term fear that the only daddy she has ever known might reject her or not consider her a full share kid along with her three younger sibs. There is no rationality to that fear IMHO but it is her fear none the less I think. Interestingly my FIL is far closer to my wife than he is the younger three kids who are his biological children.
I approached the topic wanting to share the "you made it, you fix it" and the "your creation, your project, you fix it" lines which absolutely cracked me up. They still do.
My wife did not think they were funny.
Touchy subject for my bride I have to say. I guess this is one of those TMI things that I should have kept to myself rather than sharing with my wife.
I guess I need to live and learn.
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Comments
I think that when the BM (or
I think that when the BM (or Bio Dad) is totally out of the picture, it makes things alot different. To me it seems when both bio parents are present, it makes it difficult for Steps... the old no rights, no say, the kid has a mom and dad blah blah blah stuff.
If my DH asks me my opinion about something to do with skids then I give it, but otherwise, I keep my mouth shut and do have that "not my kid not my problem attitude" My skids have a mom and a dad so I feel it is their responsibilty to raise those kids.. not mine.
Just my two cents for what it's worth...
My skids are messed up
My skids are messed up BECASUE both parents are involved, don't communicate and can't agree.
DITTO
Sometimes I wished a judge would have sat the two bios down and shook some sense into them! Or made them take parenting classes together...or psychiatric sessions...SOMEthing!
If the BM was out of the
If the BM was out of the picture and/or the skids were younger I might agree with your wife. Having had 17 yo and adult skid try to run my house and spend my money I really can't agree with this. With a BM present and no authority to do anything for or with the skids except spend money and put up with surly attitudes and the out and out destruction of property and stealing all you can do is adopt the "not my kid, not my problem" stance. Just because a marriage doesn't work it doesn't mean that the parties need to wage war with the other party using their kids as missles of destruction. You have a unique situation RAGS you were with your skid from very close to the beginning of his life and your wife allowed you to co-parent, she didn't constantly undermine you or push you aside while she erected a pedestal for her spawn to rest on and behave badly
i agree with you that ages of
i agree with you that ages of skids and "when" sparent comes in the picture can determine the relationships for ex i came in for my skids right before teenage years (constant battle) dh came in for my dd at 4, and it would just tear her to pieces to lose her "daddy" yes she calls him daddy even though biodad is there (we leave all that up to her)
Thanks for the comments and
Thanks for the comments and perspectives everyone.
Good stuff.
I definitely agree that my situation is significantly different than most and that we really have not had to blend families as many Sparents have had to do. All we have had to do is protect my SS from the toxic vitriolic drivel of his SpermClan and to protect his best interests from their toothless crap.
My wife's situation is also significantly different to the more usual blended family Skid/Sparent deal though my FIL never formally adopted her. Her BioDad was in the Army when he died and my MIL got huge VA benefits for my wife. A formal adoption would have cost the family a huge percentage of their income.
I have suggested that she call a lawyer, have adoption papers drawn up for dad to formally adopt her and give them to him on her birthday as a joint gift for both of them.
She has yet to do it. Maybe I will have our attorney draw up the paperwork, fly my MIL and FIL out for my wife's b-day this year and give the papers to my wife and FIL for her birthday.
How does that sound?