Update to my last blog, so furious about BM taking SD out of town this weekend
First, disclaimer - yeah I posted about the issue here, yeah I like getting feedback, I appreciate people telling me like they see it. It helps me see all sides and work through all of it.
I got lots of comments on my last blog, all good for me to read, some helpful, some less helpful, some very judgmental, gee I wish you could all just step into my life and do it the right way then, since it is so easy for you.
Something that some of you commenters don't seem to get is that first, I am not the one who wants to avoid a scene. I have been BEGGING to push it to the limit with that b*tch for years. If it were up to me we would have dragged this all through court years ago. If I got to choose how to handle it, then I would have been sticking it to her every time she didn't pick up on time, every time she wasn't there on time for pickup, every time she stepped one toe out of line on the contract. I DON"T GET TO MAKE THOSE CHOICES.
Have you guys ever had your DH tell you, you don't get to make those kind of decisions for my daughter? That he doesn't want to fight and fight over everything because that is worse for her in the end. Have you had screaming, knockdown dragout fights with your DH because you are just trying to stand up for your SD and he just thinks you are trying to be controlling and to interfere with the way he wants to handle it? Have you said to yourself, do I want to continue to be married, or do I want to keep nagging and harassing him on how he should parent his child.
Guess what guys she IS his child and not mine and he DOES have the final say on how these things are handled!!! That's why I am here complaining, because I feel and I am, COMPLETELY POWERLESS in most situations.
I am posting becuase I know he is failing her, I know it's completely wrong on so many levels, I am so mad at BM I can't see straight, I am so mad at DH I can't even speak of it, and I tried my damnedest to do what I could to salvage the situation, and it didn't do any good.
I am struggling here because I don't know how and when to make my stand with DH. Do I just tell him, look, I won't live like this anymore, if you aren't going to enforce the contract I will? That won't work because I can't control him. Do I tell him, you either stand up and start being a man and putting your daughter's needs first, or else... or else what? I'm going to leave him? I'm not, so I have no "or else."
He will just start his whole thing again about how he's not going to push it with BM because she could possibly win and get more custody and then SD would be worse off than she is now. I tell him over and over, she won't win. He doesn't believe me. He thinks we will spends thousands and be no better off than we are now.
Disengaging is not an option. I love SD and she needs me to do what I do for her because God knows her own mother won't do it.
I am very unhappy and distressed about this entire situation but feel hopeless and helpless. I can't do anything but nag and agitate. I wish I could have saved the day this time but it didn't work out that way. yeah if I had it to do over again I'd do it differently, I'd just call her up and tell her no, you're not taking her. Then I have pissed off BM screaming at me, DH mad at me, and we might end up in the same place anyway. I don't know.
I do know that it pisses me off that some people seem to think I have magical powers and I can make people do what I want them to do in every situation.
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Comments
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your support. I didn't come back here for a couple days because I was afraid to see what new comments would come up... so it was very nice to see yours as the first!! I appreciate you reaching out and letting me not feel so alone.
After all that drama... BM didn't even go!!! New post upcoming on that...
You are in step mom hell.
You are in step mom hell. You have the power to control you and your feelings. Start by controlling your thoughts. Stop thinking about these situations because DH does not want you to change them. Respect that he is the parent and even though you KNOW you are right, you must let it go.
It took me years to see this and begin to let go of trying to help. DH and BM are completely insane the way they raise the skids. It is on them. We have to step back and let them face the consequences, even though it is hard and unfair to the skids.
Focus on you, dh and your kids, and stop bringing skids up or trying to help. Once you get the hang of it, it will get easier. 10 years of experience tells me I wish I'd have listened to others. Take what you can from the wisdom and ignore the bullshit people give you
Thank you, I think I needed
Thank you, I think I needed to hear that! I am so used to controlling everything, it is very hard for me to control my thoughts. But I think I have to learn how.
Hey, thank you so much for
Hey, thank you so much for coming back and sharing so much of your story with me. It is really valuable for me to see what others have gone through, and hopefully, I can use that to plan my own reactions and make things easier for myself in the future.
I feel very lucky that so far I have not had to deal with the disrespect or hostility from SD; after reading your story I am going to think about how I need to handle it, if/when it does appear.
I agree with ddakan, and
I agree with ddakan, and with naturalmom here. I also discovered that the greatest majority of fights between DH and I were about issues with the kids. I know he was not doing all he could do and it aggravated the hell out of me too. We have full custody of DH's kids after their mother abandoned them. I made my own bonds with the kids over the years, 7 0f. I also made it clear that I did not agree with their dad but I am not going to fight him on it any more. Kids can grow up in SPITE of their parents, also learn what NOT to do. I actually do disengage often, by doing that I created the same pain in the ass for DH with the kids that they were being for me and he had to face up to it. I am seeing changes! All I had to do was wait for him to get up to speed with how things really are, and for it to become too much for him that he had to ''do'' something about it. If the kids were asked to pick up their towels or clothes I'd leave them lying, likewise with dishes or any other things that they'd been allocated as their responsibility. DH did the 'picking up' their slack thing for a while and soon got sick of it. I am a steadfast person in the kids' lives, they all know where they stand with me, and whatever chaos surrounds them I am still here for them, I make time for them and I love them. It's been hell on wheels, not kidding!! Juvenile justice system, wherein everyone is set against BM! We are almost out of the juvenile system with our girl, she's turning around nicely and is in college now, she'll be driving soon too! Her and I have a very strong bond now that she is older and a little more mature <17> and she even went out and bought me some clothes to make amends for stealing mine! Bles sher heart, it can be a positive experience with SKids if you let go of frustration, I used humor to get over mine. Since DH and I stopped fighting over the kids it's been peaceful...just a side note!!
I hope I get there too, thank
I hope I get there too, thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I like the idea of disengaging on small things like that, without having to "disengage" completely. I think I will try it!
I hope you did not think I
I hope you did not think I was being judgmental to you - I blamed your DH the whole way - I understand that you have no rights but in my comment I but all the blame on your DH - I said your DH failed his daughter not you!!
We are not being judgemental
We are not being judgemental on you. We feel really sorry for your SD. I do think you could have more influence on your DH in this situation. I have had to do the same thing. I push DH because I know SS is being neglected. I feel for my SS12 and I want him to not be his mom's afterthought. He matters. So I say it to DH when I am calm and I make sure he knows I am disappointed in him for not pushing it. Because of that he does call BM out on about half of the crap she pulls. If I didn't it would be very little, because he would rather ignore it than have a skirmish.
You do need to do what is in the best interest of that child and I do think that the situation this weekend, would have been a deal breaker for me. I would have been very clear to my DH that if he didn't go by the CO, I would have been too upset to be with him. That he is not putting his child first. You are the only one that has influence on him. You have more power here than you think. I found that even the threat of me leaving had an impact on him. Don't use the threat often, but use it and it may do more than you think.
The fear of me leaving and him being divorced again, did wonders on the situation with my SD14. He got his head out of the sand and finally started acting like a parent. Too late for our situation. When he started acting like a parent with her and not putting up with BM, the damage was already done and she wanted to live where there were no rules.
You need to be firm with him now, these years are critical for tweens. I wish DH had taken a better role with SD, instead of letting BM dictate everything. She created this mess. If he had been more active, maybe he would have a better relationship with her now.
Also, if you have issues with everyone being hard on you, you need to realize this is a blog of Moms and Dad that are for the most part, trying to be good parents. When we read of a child begging not to go and stay home and do homework, it made us incredibly angry and sad that no one was doing what was in the best interest of this child. If you don't like the replies, that is fine, but it is a blog and opinions are what you asked for. We don't always like what we hear.
I know you tried with your DH but I really think you have more power than you think here, please continue to use it to do what is in the best interest of the child. Because right now, you seem like the only one who wants to.
Thanks for the further
Thanks for the further comments. I don't know that your approach would work with my DH but it is good to think about it and have it as an option.
Please have your husband read
Please have your husband read the comments. He needs to stand up for his daughter, and if he chooses not to, I don't advise that you enable his choices by emailing the BM. Let him handle it ALL by himself until he chooses to come to you for advice and support.
Completely agree. Have your
Completely agree. Have your DH read everything.
I have thought about my
I have thought about my comments and was just about to write a response and perhaps an updated reply to them when I came across this blog.
I think I put too much blame on you and taht really the people to are blame here are the BIOS. I completely know where you are coming from by pushing and arguing with your SO about trying to get him to do the right thing. But as other posters have said, if he deeply truly does not want to do wahts right and be a good parent to your SD then no amount of pushing from you will ever make a difference.
So, I definitely take back my heated comments about blaming you but rather they are now rerouted to your SO. I think that perhaps we are a lot alike and for me, when I see my SO failing as a parent I also see thats as a failing of mine. Its so hard to see someone you care about and love not being all they can be and still trying to support them in that.
I also agree 150% that your SO needs to read all the comments thus far. Especially from SA^^^^^
x
Thanks for coming back, and
Thanks for coming back, and adding more comments... This whole thing has been such a mess, and really, nothing that anyone said, was something that I hadn't already been saying to myself. Your last comment about seeing a failing in SO and feeling like that's a personal failure too... I get that! I think I do feel that way sometimes, though I never really put it into words.
He did read the comments I sent him and they definitely struck a nerve. I hope he will bury them in his mind somewhere and remember them the next time something comes up.