Things to think about
I always try to look at things from different perspectives. Many of us have sought out a place where we can be anonymous and gain support or input from people that we hope are indeed walking the same path or a similar one to the one we walk.
I've seen the same types of posting that I used to do on another board years ago. And feel sad for everyone that is going through it.
Either from living from pay day to pay day because of an enormous support obligation that may or may not have been there when you were married, visitation issues, or respect. The feeling of being taken advantage of by skids, by DHs and by BMs. The feeling that we are completely not in control of our house or our lives.
It starts out small, it starts out that we want to be fully involved and over the course of issue after issue it erodes on us to the point that we must disengage, or leave. I've chosen the disengagement. Survival of the fittest starts early.
What could we have done differently? What could we do now that would help change any part of what we are going through? What part do we indeed have control of?
What can I do now to change how I think of my skids, of their BM, to live in a more enjoyable way?
Amazing what goes through your mind at 3 am when you are rudely awaken by a puppy that is tired of being in his crate and all of a sudden find you up for the day. 
- 12yrstepmonster's blog
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Yes 5 mo old puppies or much
Yes 5 mo old puppies or much like babies. And this one has been crated too much in the last two days, topped with bad weather and hasn't had the room to play and exercise...... but the second load of laundry is done- my last catalog party order has been separated out by order- now for the waking of the kids, and the puppy walking, and the day to actually start. ROFL Will be a LONG LONG day.
Yep, know the feeling! It's
Yep, know the feeling! It's actually good to just sit and enjoy a coffee and contemplate. Yes, as we speak some BS is cooking here. Yesterday BM played them all like a fine fiddle...I laughed at them! She knows better than to play me. I am angry with DH for buying into her crap, it's not over yet, we are going there today and if she bitches that I am there she'll be told something in no uncertain terms. She's as depressed as hell because a huge check is not in yet...she cleaned out husband #4!! I am sorry for all her troubles but they are NOT OURS!! She abandoned her kids to us, uses people to her own advantage and really does not care for anyone, total sociopath!
I agree that disengaging is
I agree that disengaging is like divorcing the family, but not the man. It's not easy, but sometimes, it's the only option.
And, like Helpmeeeee, DH's family seems to prefer BM to me. That's fine. They've been divorced for over 22 years. She skanked around town with everyone who would have her, and then bailed on DH and the kids. She wasn't ever much of a mother to the kids, and the kids are grown now, so I just don't get the whole "she's the mother of the children" deal. Just another case of do as you want with no consequences.
We live about 15 miles away from his family, so I don't have to do anything with them on a daily basis. I am coridal to them, but do not have the urge to be up their ass every day, nor do I want them up mine! I am financially independent, own the home we live in outright, and don't ask anyone for anything. I have my own family (a few states away) and I am still very much a part of my late husband's family. My friends and I are thinking that I'm not "needy" enough for DH's family. Beats me....their loss....
What could we have done
What could we have done differently?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think a lot of these problems could be avoided if we all got to know our DH/SO, before we jump into living together or marriage. DH and I did not live together/marry for 10 years because I would not get sucked into the SS and BM drama. No way. And I am NOT being judgmental here! I was 35 when I met DH and saw what step hell would be like. Had I been under 30, I think I would have jumped into this mess with my eyes wide shut! Lol. As it was, we “dated” for almost 10 years. Lol. OMG…I am almost 45!!!
As it is, I caved when SS was 16 and married DH. SS had moved 2 hours away and I thought was firmly up BM’s butt forever. Shame on me. 6 months after we married, SS just HAD to come live with us. Arrrggg.
I am not a stupid person, I always knew there was a chance. BUT, I thought the chance of BM giving up AND paying CS, would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER happen.
I have had some struggles in the last 1 and ½ years, but I still would have waited 2 more years to marry, had I known that SS would move in with DH. SS really does nothing to me, but just seeing first hand what a non parent DH is, that grates on my nerves.
So what I would have done different…is to wait 2 more years.
"The feeling that we are
"The feeling that we are completely not in control of our house or our lives."
Great post. This is all on my mind too. Thanks to puppy for waking you.
"What could we have done
"What could we have done differently?": I think the "mess" of step-life cannot be changed by only one person doing anything differently. In the early days we hope/assume/believe that the drama will die down, resentments will melt away and all will be well in the end. Those of us who have been in it for the long-haul realise that this is not so. Perhaps stepping works in some families - and they're not posting here because they've never googled something like "I hate my stepkids".
"What can I do now to change how I think of my skids, of their BM, to live in a more enjoyable way?": If you read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, she explains what skids and BM are feeling and why they behave the way they do, so it helps us to understand what motivates their bad behaviour. But I also, nonetheless, struggle with this point. And it bugs me that I still allow it all to continue to bug me!
I'm not sure that this would
I'm not sure that this would help in your situation but our counselor suggested we list things out, and make chore charts.
But for you and your DH you could sit down together and compromise on what is acceptable and what isn't.
Make a list of your concerns, priorities, behavior issues. Make a list of appropriate consequences. But talk about being consistent. If pouring milk all over the floor is wrong once, it is wrong all the time.
My SS is 14 - he was my buddy and we did everything together....
then BM decided that having her son around would be ok at about age 4.5....so she started keeping him out of daycare instead of letting them raise her son. When that happened he couldn't even look at me when his mom was there- so I pulled back big time. However we only had visitation of eowe and when she would allow us 4 weeks in the summer and 5 days over the holiday break.
Counseling helped DH and I alot when we came to communicating about behavior issues and things. But it's not like you have a lot of input for a kid that comes in on Friday night and leaves Sunday