I see nothing wrong with it, I also think it is an important part of growing up. There nothing wrong with telling a kid he or she is acting like a jerk. My DH doesn't allow it here and his kid is beyond hope.

Absolutely. Burying our heads in the sand or ignoring BS like the Emperor's New Clothes solves nothing.

When I see it I call it out.

I am actually surprised at how my SS has absorbed some the call out lessons he as experienced from me calling BS on him when I see it.

He still struggles with making good decisions some times but he is improving and recognizes many of his bad decisions when he makes them and is noticing it when others make them around him.

With my wife, we usually step aside to discuss issues when they come up. Usually.

My DH would yell at me...in fact, right in front of the skid. Been there done that...I just ignore the behavior now.

I was only allowed to "correct" the skids out of earshot and eyeshot of GG (biodad).

GG would always take skids side and use any opportunity to undermine/humiliate me in front of them.

I let them know that *I* am on to their BS as a true adult and parent and it doesn't go unnoticed by me. Their eyes got as big as saucers since I was the ONLY adult in their lives to tell them "I know what you're up to and I'd better not see it in front of me again"

My SO and I have agreed that we can ask one another for an adult moment apart from kids and skids to discuss. We may not agree, but we can at least hear one another out and decide if changes should or will be made. If there is correction to be made, he can do that or we can do it together.

If he should yell at me in front of SD, it would be his last living act on earth, as he would be retrieving his head from where it was lying next to him on the floor and he is welcome to die old and lonely if he thinks that crap will fly, I have had it with that kind!

I do think it's ok to call him out. I've done it with my SDs and we end up usually talking about it and working it out later.

However, I think the bigger problem is that DH seems to sort of have his head buried in the sand. It doesn't sound like he calls SS out on his behavior. I know I say this a lot here, but I really believe that kids (minors) won't make positive changes in their behavior unless their parents start making changes to the rules and enforcing consequences for bad behavior. I also think that DH has his head buried in the sand because he won't push hard for SS to get counseling. I think at some point, he is going to ask DH why he didn't see him for three years.

(preface: I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or be mean to you in this paragraph. However, I know that there's a long history to this situation.) So yes, I think it's fine to call SS out, but DH needs to pull his head out of the sand and start making changes like calling SS out and getting him help. He did not see his child for three years. I know that's not entirely his fault, but the fact is that SS seems like one angry kid who's taking it all out on you and your bios. Yes, BM did bash DH to SS, but DH didn't put up a fight for SS. So, to be quite honest, I don't think he's going to "appreciate" all the fishing trips/other stuff DH does for him.

If DH really, truly wants to help make things better between you, SS and your bios, he'll start calling out SS on his behavior, and fight to get him the professional help he desperately needs.

I have on many occassions. Last summer we were trying to sell our house and we had an open house scheduled that day-most everything was clean-I just needed everyone to assist me for about 30 minutes to do a few final things. SS13 was aware of this the day before so it was not a surprise. When I asked him to get started that morning-he told me "No! I dont live here and I'm not cleaning up after YOU and THEM!" I asked him if he thought he lived in a freaking bubble? That he had been there all weekend and hadnt he shit in the toilet? Eaten in the kitchen? Walked across MY floor? And that he better think twice if he expected ME or THEM to clean up after HIM!

I have also called him out on treating my parents like shit. They have always been good to him-bought many gifts for him, babysat for him when I was working late, have always always been kind to him. When he went on his big hate campaign toward me years ago-this also included anyone that had any relation to me. We go to my parents every Sunday for dinner-and he was going over there and not saying a word to anyone-he'd walk in, fill his plate with food, eat, bring plate to kitchen sink, and then ask my mom to get on the computer and she would say yes. That was teh whole interaction he had with my whole family in the several hours we were there. He never would speak to my dad at all nor my broher, sis in law, and very rarely my niece. I finally told him one day who rude I thought that was and that he should be ashamed of himself-that if he wanted to treat me like crap then whatever-but to treat people who have never been anything but kind ot him that way was unacceptable. Amazingly he went over that day and made a point to greet my whole family (never said anything else nor did he speak to them on subsequent visits)but hey, at least it was something.

I try to call it when I see it. SO will sometimes defend the behavior. "They were only kidding around."

I would say it has actually not worked for me, but that is because SO countermands me. Or I am going about it wrong.

In your case I might say, "ya know, SS13, you might want to say "thank you" to your Dad. He does not have to take you out fishing" And when he comes back with "yes he does!" well... then we go back to the source. If Dad is catering to him, he won't appreciate it.

almost every time i call skids out, dh is right there with an explanation, i mean, EXCUSE for their behavior..... but i usually retort with something that makes them all look like fucking retarded liars.

Yes, I'd love to. I haven't worked my way up to that yet though now that I have disengaged. Its not worth the argument with SO and it does no good. He just ends up worrying more about defending them than actually seeing how they are actually acting. I have come to find that most teens think they are the center of the universe. Its really annoying.

SD15 has a chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease - she'll say horribly offensive things to us or in public. This is what happens when a kid is raised by a BPD racist bigoted extremist religious nut - the kid doesn't realize that making negative statements about people IN FRONT OF THEM is offensive. I'm proud of DH - he's on her ass in a heartbeat about it.

I get on her about her money entitlement issues. BM likes to spend money when she has it, and daydreams about spending money when she doesn't, and encourages SD15 to join it on the "If I won the lottery" fantasy. Somehow, this leads to SD15 telling DH and I what we should do with our money, which offends me - she doesn't live here, and doesn't contribute a cent - she can shut it on spending unless we ask her opinion.

I call out on my skids when I feel they cross the line, and I have no problem doing that.
I will however give them a little more slack than my bios because I see that sometimes they
will correct themselves. They have after all been raised someone else than me;)

When they are in my house they follow the house rules, and they are agreed upon by all
4 permanent residents. Skids are family too, ofcourse, but they have somewhere else they call
home and they need to understand and respect other peoples right to keep their boundries and
have their own set of rules.