FRIGGIN' RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!

"he took that to mean that I'm jealous of his kids"

Guilty Daddy mantra 101

"even married couples need to take that time, but he doesn't seem to see that."

MORE guilty daddy crap

Here is the short list of symptoms but yours has already shown his true colours

RUN GIRL RUN!!

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

And remember; you are not the world police. For every one of these guys who is befriending their children, there are hundreds of thousands of other dads in the western world doing exactly the same thing for various and similar reasons.

Not your responsibility to "teach" this obviously horrendous non-parent how to raise his child. BOTH will resent you for it. Take it from me!

You may be doing him the biggest favor in his life by leaving. That may be the only thing that smacks him into waking up! (but don't count on it!!)

Aut knows what she is talking about.

I didn't have time to read all the other posts yet but I wanted to tell you that you are not the jerk here.
Your realtionship with your DH (when you get married) has to be his first priority.
My DH agrees with this in theory but he has trouble always sticking to it.
If the marriage doesn't come first it will never work out and everyone will be unhappy.
If the marriage comes first you and DH will be happy (or happier, anyway) and the children will get to see a great example of a healthy relationship.
This is my opinion and it works for us.

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our hearts are with you clover, and if you have the guts to save yourself now, you are stronger than many of us who are still in the middle of the crap pile. Yes, I am a wimp. Now I just read posts from fairly new ladies like yourself and see myself in you and want vicariously for you to succeed where I failed. You can read it in almost every post on here and hear it from me yet again...I would never never never chose this route again. Honestly, there is a packed suitcase in the back of my car, literally, but I just cannot do it. Not because I care about his feelings (you still have that for your guy) because I know he would deserve every ounce of misery my departure would cause because he brought it all on himself. The longer you stay, the deeper into the quicksand, the more memories, the more furniture, the more mutual friends, and eventually you are buried in the complications of a breakup. Yesterday was the best day to leave, but today is better than tomorrow. Yes, I know, advice I should still take myself.

When I read your post, I couldn't believe it, why would your mother not have your feelings in mind? The guy being an ass, sure, I get that, but your mother?? I think you should have a heart to heart with her. This guy will be long gone, but your mother, thats an important relationship and I think she needs to understand you a little better.

I cannot agree more and add more loudly to what others have said. Just remove your emotions and try not to filter what he is saying through what you WANT to hear him saying. He is telling you that his kids are first, will always be first, literally take your place in the bedroom and take all of his emotional and physical energy. Worst, he is quite clear that if you have any suggestions or emotions or want to tell him how to make you happy, he isn't listening, and dismisses every concern by labelling you as jealous. That's the easy way out. Your are jealous, or in my case I hate his kids...whatever stupid black and white comment he can make to shut you up and end the conversation. Why? Because in his deep deep heart, he knows you are right, and he isn't about to hear it or acknowledge it. In reality, these men are all the same. I don't think you would think of him a such a great guy if you simply break down what he is saying to you. How great of a guy is a man who enters a relationship with a woman, gets her heart in his hands, talks of marriage, and then tells you that you have no business asking for any part of his emotional or physical being. He wants it all from you, but isn't willing to give a bit. The best man would know how to balance a romance and children and nurture both. A decent man would realize that he didn't have room for anything else but his kids and not get a woman involved for selfish reasons. Your guy (and most of ours) is the worst type. Come make my life complete. Live with my past...but I am not going to be troubled to consider your feelings. Sorry to ramble. It makes me so mad. If you are still reading, please be strong. Thirty is NOT old...and certainly won't seem old when you are forty and looking backwards, and will seem like a baby when you hit fifty. You have no kids right? You deserve a guy who can give you 100% of him, give you all of the firsts in life, and treat you and your heart like the treasures that they are. You are not sloppy seconds! You should not wait around feeling honored to wait in line until his kids are gone. If your best friend was in your place, what would you tell her? Please keep us posted.

and I must add one more thing clover...my man was still sleeping with skid when skid was 10, TEN YEARS OLD, a ten year old boy! All skid had to do was tell daddy he couldn't sleep. I could protest and cry and walk out of the house and he didn't even notice. I slept alone while he cuddled with his precious baby 10 year old boy. Still makes me want to vomit. And when I called him on that absurb behavior, what did he say? "Oh, I've always slept with him when he can't sleep...since he was a baby." Great arguement Einstein. Great parenting. Its right in their face and they don't get it. They cause the bad behavior and then pat themselves on the back for being parent of the year. It is so self serving. If you think you can live with a two year old taking your place in bed, fast forward and ask yourself if you can deal with a 10 year old.