I want to try and work this out ... I NEED advice please .... ANYTHING!!!!
I really want this relationship to try and work between SO/FDH and myself. Not only because of the kids, but also because I do love him...
He has been trying hard lately to try and understand everything with all the stress he's been under at work at such. I can understand that, but I'm sick of being put last and the last 2-3 weeks, I have really been at him!
No counseling as yet, as we cannot afford it right now ... But I do see a psychiatrist every baby appointment, which are every 2 weeks.
I have come to the point where I cannot see us working right with us all living together - I cannot stand his stand his kid at all. I get so stressed a day or 2 before he comes and I don't settle down until the day after he finally goes back to BM. Wednesday-Saturday one week and Wednesday-Sunday the second week. This leaves us with schedules EVERY weekend, we can go and do something spontaneous ...
I've finally got him to not do ANY pick-ups/drop-offs at OUR place, as I've told him how uncomfortable I do feel about it, like our place is being invaded. I just feel so yuck when she's anywhere near our place, I wish I could understand why, but I just feel like we are being invaded - but with that said, she is not meant to come past our letter box, and TWICE she's driven in the drive-way and another time she tried to get up SO/FDH just because I walked out of my own house ... Anyways, thank goodness he is trying to help me feel more comfortable in my own home/property! I live here too, and I believe I have the right to feel more comfortable, and OUR place should not be used if not everyone feels comfortable with that!
I have expressed my opinion that I think it would be best that we should live separately, or when he has his son, to go to his mums. I told him that I feel he needs to work out his kids' behaviors and such, and work out his own disciplinary actions. I just can't handle it anymore. Just like this morning, the kid was meant to be eating his breakfast, he got off his chair and decided to start pulling the leavers on MY recliners to make the foot rest fold out, which is a BIG no-no to disrespect my things like that, especially when he's been told countless times in the past not to do it! He also got into my son play table and my sons toys that were in the lounge room - they both have their OWN toys, as I don't want my sons toys wrecked because he can't be respectful of other peoples things.
I really think that SO should really have be away from me and my son and work out his own kids' behavior. I told him this morning, I think we moved in together too soon (which we did, as most or all would agree). I mentioned that I'm sick of the affect that it has on my son, and also what affect it may/will have on our baby. He keeps mentioning that my son is allowed to do this and my son is allowed to do that ... My son knows his rules and responsibilities because he is here ALL THE TIME! Basically day-in/day-out, 24/7!
My son was a COMPLETE Angel when it was just me and him. We never had any problems with his behavior or ANYTHING. Yes, he is only 2.5, and some say its because of the "terrible twos" that he has changed, but ITS NOT!
When my son is with me alone during the day, he IS a good boy. He mostly does as he is told, the occasional "no" for a nappy change or a shower, but always does as he's told in the end.
When SO comes home for lunch, he gets rowdy and really jumpy and bouncy and such, just really overexcited, fair enough.
SO comes home at the end of the day ... he sits down and watches TV with him for a bit and goes for a shower with him. He gets all rowdy and jumpy again of course with over-excitement that "daddy" is home, he starts to defy a little more with bum changes, eating, doing as he's told in general.
When SO's kid is here, he is basically out of control! He doesn't listen, he basically has no end to his energy, he says "no" with basically everything, he is harder to put to bed and even becomes a bit destructive at times.
Its like he's 3 little boys in 1 and its tiring watching him, it always makes me wonder what is going on in his little head and how much it is truly affecting him.
What else can I do to try and help this relationship? I've been saying for a while now, that I can't keep doing this, its all too much with EVERYTHING, as well as this pregnancy to deal with (which hasn't been a breezy pregnancy).
He doesn't want to live separately, as he doesn't want to wake up without me there and fall asleep without me there. He thinks that I would be the one questioning whether he has other chicks over all the time and such.
I'm just so sick of it all - I REALLY think he needs to work out his son, because I really can't take the stress anymore, and I certainly don't need it with about to birth a baby (just under 4 weeks till due date).
What else can we do/try? I'm still going to press the issue for us to at least try it for at least 3 weeks for him to stay at his parents when he has his kid, so he can work out his behavior and such and work out disciplinary actions for him.
ANY input will help - whether it be advice or just an input ... ALL appreciated!!! Thanks!
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Comments
YOu don't need to live
YOu don't need to live together. You probably don't even need to BE together. And now you are going to have a baby, when you already have all of these issues/problems with your "space" and belongings.
Having a baby is just going to make the situation worse. So you are willing to have your baby grow up without it's father in the home? I am confused about where you plan to give a little and try to make it work from your end. I don't know. How old is his kid?
Edited to add-his kid is only 2 or so also?????? And you already feel this way? Do the kid, your boyfriend and yourself a favor and call it a day. The person that will really miss out on things and be affected is the baby you are carrying right now, but that decision has already been made. I mean, we are talking about a TODDLER that doesn't live with you. Of course he is going to have to learn, and relearn how to behave when he is with you. With you comparing your son to his, and expecting 2.5 year olds to understand they can't play with a table full of toys-I feel sorry for the kid.
They are a month apart in
They are a month apart in ages.
I have no always had issues/problems with my "space" and belongings, I have only gotten that way when he decided to become destructive, started wrecking my sons toys, and started to snatch every toy off of my son when he picked one up.
And yes, believe me I know, a newborn in the mix of this is definitely NOT ideal ...
With SO not living here, it would only be temporary. And its not like he would not get to see his father in that time either.
This whole relationship, he's basically done nothing but push his son into my life. I should have been more stern to start with, and I do realize that, but he shouldn't have done it after I had expressed myself a few times.
I have been giving right from the start, trying to accommodate for SO and his kid. Trying to give all I can give - emotionally, physically and mentally. And my happiness is basically non-existent, and well, my depression had gone from bad to worse.
I haven't always felt this way. The baby is the main one who I am thinking about, with my son a close 2nd.
I understand he has to learn and relearn when he is with SO, but that's why I think he needs the time with him to figure out his behaviors and his disciplinary actions - I really can't take his kids' crap anymore ... FFS, this kid threw a TANTRUM because he saw me buying a lollipop and I didn't give it to him straight away, and that's only a touch of what he is like.
I definitely do not compare SO's kid to my son ... They come from 2 completely different situations to start with. My son is experiencing problems to adapt to everything and he is showing that through his behavioral changes.
Would you have any suggestions on what 'I' could do aggrevated1?
I never had children with my
I never had children with my exbf, but I have otherwise been in your shoes and said the same things as you. It's interesting that your SO didn't seem to disagree wtih you...neither did mine...the reason being, I think he knew that his daughter and life was what was causing problems for us. SD had many issues and most of them were created by my exbf and BM.
I asked exBF and SD to move out (they moved into my home) for the reasons you stated. Emotionally and physically I could just no longer do it and I knew that the negativity was affecting my biochildren.
I can tell you, I have never regretted the decision to have them move out. I have struggled with an on again, off again relationship with my exbf over the last year because I do love him but I've realized love is not enough. No man is worth that amount of stress.
You have to do whatever is best for you and your kids. I decided I didn't need other people's drama affecting my life or my kids' life. My kids and I had a much less stressful life before they lived with us and have a much less stressful life now that we are living with just each other again.
Will your SO go to counseling? Maybe that could help? An objective third party can help these men see the reality of things much better than we can.
One thing I know is too much stress and resentment can ruin the strongest of relationships...it killed something in me. If you think your relationship is worth saving and you still want things to work seek help now. I think we women reach a threshold and once we do, it really doesn't matter what our men do to change...it is simply too late.
So sorry you are going through this. I know just how hard it is.
A.
THANKS HEAPS A!!! Definitely
THANKS HEAPS A!!! Definitely MUCHLY appreciated!!!
SO not disagreeing - that's the main thing that has me holding on right now, especially with the last 3 weeks I would say. We had a bit of a rough weekend that was meant to be "our" weekend, and the weekend after that I had snapped and went to my parents for a night. But he came to get me and such, and we actually were able to talk, and he didn't disagree with anything I was saying. I've been repeating the same stuff for months, and I think it took for me to do something so drastic for him to realize how much pain I really am in, in all aspects, and he was fully agreeing with what I was saying and also stating stuff that I have done for 'US' that he has noted, but not said anything, just little things ...
Its not only his kid that is suffering in this situation, my son is also suffering, and he's demonstrating that through his constant attitude changes. And soon, we will have a baby to add to the situation, and I don't want him to start getting as confused as what my son is now.
I was living alone (with my son) when we were first together, and he lived with his parents, although he spent every night at my place. My place was only a 2 bdrm unit at the beach, great location and everything for my son and I, the thing was, I thought I would give that up so we could be closer to SO's work (fuel consumption was HEAPS, and financial draining, living about 20 minutes out of town), and we would get a bigger house (which we have now), so that there was plenty of room for ALL of us, and better for all us ...
My unit was great! Walking distance to shops, across the road from the beach and lots of places to just 'go for a walk' when I felt a little cramped and needed some fresh air. Not to mention, the bus stop was just out the front of the set of units I was in if I wanted to go to town.
I gave up my ideal lifestyle to fit for a more family lifestyle, to accomodate ALL of us. Currently in a 3 bdrm house and I HATE walking around the area, and in this town in general. Not to mention, just up the road, like a block away, is BM's grandparents place (which I wasn't aware of until after living here a couple of weeks).
Lately, I've been saying to him "Love is never the question" and "Love is not enough". I'm just sick of my happiness being treated as if its nothing in this, as if it doesn't count. That his kid is all that matters.