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To breed or not to breed...

Fuzzpuss's picture

So, I haven't been here long and I don't comment much but in my short time here I've noticed that most of the SM's here are either BM's themselves or want to be BM's.

How do you feel about those of us who don't want kids, never have, never will and don't even feel remotely maternal? Are we odd for being in this situation in the first place?

No right or wrong answers, won't get offended. Just being nosy at the old group opinion.

Comments

PrincessFiona's picture

I respect people who know their own limitations and dont' give in to the pressures of society to have children just because it's the thing to do.

Not everyone is meant for it. I love my kids, wouldn't change for a second my choice to have them but the truth is I am really not a kid person.

I just can't imagine someone knowing that they never want kids and ending up with steps. Talk about a nightmare !

Fuzzpuss's picture

They're not so bad as kids go I suppose. The boy drives me crazy, he's 5 and lives with his BM and her army of children. But the girl is 12, lives with her BM who isn't a breeding machine and actually has some manners. Everyone I know who's my age are all popping out sprogs at the moment and none of them seem to get it when I don't go all gooey over a baby.

smileygirl's picture

I was told I would never have a child and that didn't really bother me, until surprise! At the moment I was told I was pregnant, I panicked. I repect that you know your own limitations but as I was told Never say Never. Most people don't think that they want or are ready for children until sudden one day, they are.

dragonfly5's picture

You call, no judgement here. Sounds like you have your hands full with the skids you have now.

Be happy life is short. I think that is all any of us want.

MrsFitMama's picture

I don't think that's odd at all Smile If I hadn't had an oops I didn't plan on having kids myself. I never fault any people who don't want kids... that's their perogative. There's life that you miss out on when you have kids and vise versa. IMO, you do what makes you and your husband happy. Only you alone know the desire for children or not.

Just as a note, I HAD wanted kids until I got skids... it made me question my whole maternal insticts and if I could possibly be a parent since I don't love them unconditionally. Whatever you do, don't let that guide you... the love you have for your own biological baby and maternal insticts will be totally different. That's what I learned in my experience.

Auteur's picture

I am a BM although my two children were COMPLETELY unplanned and I'm not the "coochie coo" type.

I admire those who have the good sense NOT to breed. Although I love my children very much (they are now grown), the dirty little secret is that if you ARE parenting correctly, the aggrevation, stress and worry FAR overshadows the "cute" moments.

If child rearing is a "breeze" for you and you are your "child's best friend" then U R DOING IT WRONG!

See link: http://www.childfree.net/potpourri_annlanders.html

MrsFitMama's picture

haha! This is SO true... honestly... dh will roll his eyes at his girls A LOT. He even tells them they are getting on his nerves. Fatherhood was a big wakeup call to him bc the kids are ALWAYS there. He says, tho he would never take them back, it was a difficult reality about having to share, clean up poop, listen to whining and crying... tons of ridiculous sacrifice... and I don't look forward to it when I have my baby... but I know I love my baby.

Whateva's picture

Auteur I totally agree that if parenting is done correctly there is more to it than those cute moments, unfortunately most parents i know generally are stuck in that stage of "cute" moments which is the result of society making parenting out to be something one must do, because kids are great and the best, when in reality if our culture did a better job in creating a much more realistic view of what it takes to be a GOOD parent we would have less teen pregnancy and fewer abused children.

As a happily childfree person I am often accused of being self-centered however I think most parents could be labeled a little more narcissistic than I, because if more people were just parents because they are selfless, loving and giving than more ppl would adopt than continuing to over populate the earth with little mini replicas of themselves. Aside from bragging most are getting their kids ready to be the next pro athlete, or top model you have others who think they are going to be the parent of the child that found the cure for cancer. LOL so yeah we childfree ladies are a discriminated bunch!! but the one thing we have in common are skids

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I don't think it's weird that you don't want kids. Everyone is different. I think it might make being a stepparent harder, though unless you are up for the challenge. I always was around kids, loved kids, wanted kids when dh and I got married. I thought being a sm would be fine since I loved kids, right? Omg. I enjoy children always have, but being a sm is way harder than I thought. I couldn't imagine going into a relationship with a man wih kids & not liking kids. To me that would just make things so much harder. No judgement though. You must be a strong woman to accept that challenge. I would think for most people not wanting kids ever then being with someone who already has kids would be a deal breaker? It'd be like me wanting kids and marrying a man who didn't want kids. Idk your situation, though. What does your SO think?

Fuzzpuss's picture

He gets a little upset sometimes when I'm not getting on with his kids, but to his credit he doesn't always blame me. The boy is definitely his fave but he does recognise when he's just being a brat and accepts that I can't always cope with him.

We've talked about having kids of our own. I made it clear from the start that I'm not into kids and don't want any but I always said that if an accident did happen I would give it fair consideration before trotting off to the abortion clinic. After all, if you make the mistake you can't just sweep it under the rug like it didn't happen right? He was okay with that. He adores children but admits he's done the sleepless nights and nappy changes already and doesn't feel any overwhelming urge to do it again.

Usually I wouldn't be with someone who has kids, but we met through work towards the end of a 5 yr marriage for me and he was such a rock that I was in love with him before I knew what hit me. He never hid that he has children so I have to accept them in the same way that they have to accept me. Some days it's great, some days it's not. I don't envy you full time parents though, how you manage to find 5 minutes for yourself is beyond me.

girlfriend in a coma's picture

To bring a child into the world is a deeply personal decision. That said, it's astonishingly counter-normative NOT to, and those of us who are childless by choice (I count myself in this group) are subject to additional...curiosity. I don't inherently dislike children, but I think it's natural not to immediately warm to someone else's. Evolutionarily speaking, the "natural" course has already provided one biological father and one biological mother. I think that's what makes being a SM so difficult; it just doesn't seem natural. My point is that, if I read you right, you are definitely not alone - even on this site - and that for me, a critical point to my relationship's survival is that my SO accepts my choice and allows that there is going to be some difficulty in my direct relationship with his kids. Knowing this, we've made considerable effort to take things slowly -- I confess hopefully so slowly that his kids will be out the door before we think about marriage. Smile Being thoughtful about this decision seems wise (i.e., kids are forever, so think it over), and if your partner supports where you are, so much the better.

cmwolfe1264's picture

I did not meet my husband til I was 34 and he is older than I and we did not have any children of our own. I adore children very, very much and so enjoy my role as a Gma to my husbands 8 gkids. We talked about possibly having children before we married so the "door was open" from DH otherwise I would not have married him. I had accepted the fact (before I met my husband) that I was not going to have a child and I was okay with that. I occassionally regret that I did not have a chance to have a baby and experience the bliss that motherhood brings. But when I get to feeling down I spend a few hours with some or all of the gkids and then I feel much better. It is very nice to enjoy the gkids for awhile but then go home to my quiet, peaceful, childfree home Smile

NCMilGal's picture

I told my mom 8 years ago that I didn't want kids. I convinced DH to get snipped 3 years ago. Now? I'm 36, and thinking "it wouldn't be so bad..." but it's too late. I actually enjoy having SD15 around.

Then I realize that I have never changed a diaper in my whole life. Screeching kids annoy the hell out of me. I don't know what to do with an infant or a toddler. I would be almost 60 before I could launch a kid from college.

Where would our retirement come from if we had kids now? As it stands, SD15 will be independent while we're still in our working prime. (DH agrees, no handouts once she's out of college, degree or not) We have a plan to retire at a decent age, with a decent nest egg, no relying on Social Security. How many people can say that?

I never thought I'd have a skid, let alone a skid full time, but that's exactly what we're gearing up to do - life happens.

joanie's picture

Dirol

I'm childfree, I have zero interest in kids and do not want any of my own.

it's a dilemma, do I keep seeing someone who was stupid rough to breed,or do I look for a guy with no kids?

right now I'm in love so it's an easier call...but dating a guy with kids is a HUGE deal to me.

I don't have or want any...so I get ya

Whateva's picture

I am Happily Childfree and would not change it for anything!

No offense but not sure why you care about the opinions of others on this site whether or not you are a Bio parent or not...I use this site as a common place to vent and share blended situations and it's struggles . The fact of the matter is i happen to have a man i love and who loves me tons who was previously married and unfortunately did breed with the broad!

The decision to have kids does not out trump those who decided not to have kids. Personally if I ever found myself single again I know I would not date a man with children or especially young children for it does make for an even more challenging scenario when you like a child free lifetyle- however my scenario is no more challenged than those on here that are Bio moms who happen to struggle even more than I do as a non parent....

Fuzzpuss's picture

I care about peoples opinions on here because we're all in a similar boat.

I don't know anyone offline my own age who has step children, just bio children. None of my friends or colleagues can relate to not wanting children, some call it downright weird. Just wondered if that was the norm. Not that I ever follow the norm (between the clothes, tattoos, piercings etc, the norm goes right out of the window), I just didn't like being made to feel guilty for choosing not to procreate.