Step Mom....but going to be a step daughter to someone my age
Ok, so my dad met a girl...she's my age and he is MUCH older than her. I thought she was a pretty cool chick...but after 2 weeks of dating she moved in with him and were now 3 weeks of her living in his house. Recently I had found a blod on MY DADS COMPUTER along with multiple searches for wedding rings, venues, and dresses. I'm sorry, but being the soon to be step child I am not happy. She is throwing my deceased mothers "trashy" things away as she put it in her blog and is also dissing on my older sister as well. Not sure what to do at this point as I don't want to hurt my dads feelings, but I wonder if he even knows that SHE IS PLANNING A WEDDING.
He deserves to be happy, however I will not support him on this nor will anyone in my family. A
Any suggestions on how to proceed?
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Comments
Wow, kudos to your dad for
Wow, kudos to your dad for catching such a young'un! He's probably going to have to spend your entire inheritance on her engagement ring so you'd better start saving for retirement if you haven't already.
I think you should probably install hidden cameras everywhere in his house to augment the information you're gathering from his computer. That's my advice.
LMAO
LMAO }:)
Don't alienate your dad by
Don't alienate your dad by refusing to support his new relationship or respect his new wife. If you haven't already, take a look through some of StepAside's blogs and posts; don't turn into her adult step daughters.
If your mother's possesions are so important to you, ask the new girl friend if you can have whatever it is that she no longer wants in the home.
"If your mother's possesions
"If your mother's possesions are so important to you, ask the new girl friend if you can have whatever it is that she no longer wants in the home"
That's a great idea and a nice gesture up front. What if you were to say, "hey, it must be weird for you to have some of my mom's things here, and you know, it would mean a lot for me to have some of it - do you mind if I help take it out of here for you"
And I agree with not alienating your father. Your father wouldn't do that to you because he didn't like who you were in a relationship with. If you honestly think your father is in grave danger, then yes - do some digging to inform him.
If he's not in grave danger, keep in mind - he is a grown man who can take care of himself. He may be more upset that you're SNOOPING around his house to try to "trap" this woman.
Let things take their own course, if she really is a money grubbing bitch - he will see all on his own. He may already know this but doesn't care because the age difference makes him feel good, which may be more important.
I can understand being upset
I can understand being upset about her throwing your moms things out and calling them trashy. As far as dissing your older sister, maybe its justified. maybe she is being like some adult step kids are (we've all read about them on here). If not have a talk with her about mutual respect and practice it yourself.
I am a stepmom and my df is older than me. love is not confined by age, if your dad is happy then be happy for him. You dont have to like her, just respect her. treat her as you'd like your stepkids to treat you.
I hope he does know about the wedding, but maybe its not serious. just playing fantasy. or if its for real maybe your dad loves her and wants to marry her, but thats his life. You cant stop him from living it how he wants to.
by not supporting him you could possibly lose him, he supported you im sure when he thought you made bad decisions. Love is unconditional, not whether or not his actions make you happy.
I am not trying to be bi&%^y, but try to see things from their point of view before you judge. Have a talk with your dad about your worries and fears. that way you guys could be on the same page.
Did your dad choose YOUR
Did your dad choose YOUR husband? Just wondering. Cause if he did, by all means tell him what to do. If not, stay out. So she wants HER house to have HER things? Oh my, what a horrible person she must be. And well, how much stuff did your mom have that is still in the house? I mean really, I love my mom but she has a lot of crap in her house. Or is it that your mom's stuff is classy, elegant, great stuff? If it is, I'd tell your dad "hey, if you are getting rid of any of mom's stuff, send it my way..." Oh, no...sorry, you want it to stay in "your dad's house..." If so, it's really not anything you value otherwise you'd want it with you.
Again, sorry, but it's really not your business. With that attitude, soon you'll end up with no relationship with him and blame her...not yourself for attempting to break them up.
PS - let me know if she shows up married without your dad ever finding out he's actually married...oh wait, they BOTH must be there to get a marriage license and sign the wedding certificate...your dad will find out and will decide on his own if he wants to be married or not.
Fantastic reply StepAside, I
Fantastic reply StepAside, I think that sums up everything perfectly.
Well said StepAside!!!
Well said StepAside!!! Excellent perspective as always.
My mother married a guy who's
My mother married a guy who's 3 years older than I am. My 3 brothers & I are happy for her (I call him "daaadddyyy" on occassion just to see the 5 shades of red on his face). We know what her life has been like & that she's happier with him than she has been in years. She's HAPPY so we're happy for her.
My sisters however are asses about it. Guess what...my mom doesn't care that they don't like him. He tries with them but it's never good enough.
At some point in life, parents have to look out for themselves & their own interests. Your father is a grown man & should be treated as such.
I'm with StepAside all the way. The only control you have is over yourself & how you chose to react.
STEPASIDE- So well
STEPASIDE- So well written!!! This needs to be copied and put into a frame. I know exactly where I would hang mine.
StepAside....that was very
StepAside....that was very touching and heartfelt.
After stepping back and looking at how I responded I did realize that I was a little harsh with my words. However, I am happy for HIM but just feel that things are moving way to fast. He is a grown man and can do what he wants and I know he's always been a very sexual man, so I want him to be happy and have a relationship and told him that before he started dating her. I don't dislike her at all and we went on a trip to Portland to see my younger sister and had a blast, I'm just really concerned about how fast things are going.
It's not just me that feels this way, it's our entire family. I am not pushing him away at all, however he is not coming to family functions because he is so "busy" with her things and things they are doing. Which is fine, but I don't want to hear in the end that we NEVER invite him to things...when we do. He just doesn't come.
He always talked to me about dating "older" men and how wrong it was....but now he is in that situation as being the older man. I know it was a tough ride for him before my mom died so I totally get that he's falling into this..I'm just afraid his heart is going to be broken into a million pieces and us girls are going to be the ones to pick up the pieces. I guess I have to just step back and let his words just ride after I talked to him earlier about it...."If it doesn't last, at least it was a good ride".
The other thing that I want to touch on is that after I realized that I shouldn't have gone off like I did, I wanted to have a sit down talk with him and his GF and my older sister so I could apologize for how I responded. The thing that stings about this is that he told my sister that "he didn't have time for this shit". I'm sorry...IT'S OUR FAMILY!! When you say stuff like that...it doesn't make me feel like I should put forth any effort to make it work. I am going to let things ride.
I do not live in his home, but my sister does and they all share a computer, that is how we found all this out. She doesn't clear her history on the computer...so it's not snooping...it's there to read if you leave it open to the public. We all use his computer when were home...
Oh well...like I said...I'll be here to pick up the pieces.
Don't take it personal from
Don't take it personal from your Dad when he says "I don't have time for this shit". What he more than likely is saying is, yeah, yeah I know she's younger, yada yada - I'm a grown man and don't need anybody trying to tell me what to do"
He is seeing it different than the rest of the family. If you invite him and he's "too busy" to come, you can't take it personal, this is a new chapter in his life. Every new relationship wraps itself up in eachother, putting everyone else to the side.
Wow, StepAside, that was
Wow, StepAside, that was great! It appears as though his kids are adults. Is the sister living in the home an adult? Why wouldn't she have her own computer? Even if she doesn't why would she be going through the history? I know when I visit my parents us kids are allowed to use their computers but we would never think of going through the history spying on someone else, especially them. If a page was already open I always open a new tab or window. I just can't imagine why you are anyone would snoop onto your dad's or anyone else's computer that just seems odd. Like someone else said why is it you believe you get a say in who, how fast or why your dad dates or marries someone. As far as being busy and not going to every family thing invited to really? Are you able to go to everything you are invited to? I'm guessing this gf has a family too. Are they not allowed time with them as well. Every new couple usually has and deserves a honeymoon period why not let them have it. I agree with StepAside you don't have to be friend or even like her but whether or not you keep a relationship with your father is up to you and a reflection on you. If you treat her with respect she will do the same. It doesn't mean any of you will love each other or be bff's but for your dad and your own sake try civility.