disengaging from BM?
This is kind of long, skip to the last paragraph if you get bored 
Things with BM are pretty much at a stand still. A couple of weeks ago things exploded when DH kept SS an extra night. He had a really high fever and had knocked out from the medicine. SS is 4 and had one if his kidneys taken out almost 2 years ago. Ever since then, any time he so much as sneezes DH calls the doctor. Last time SS was hospitalized it started out as a cold so it is understandable that he would get nervous whenever SS gets sick. Anyway, there was a storm that night and the dr told DH not to take SS out unless it was an absolute emergency and he told him to take SS to him the next morning. SS had had a fever for almost a week. It would go away and the next day it would come back. DH called BM and asked if he could keep SS one extra night and take him to her the next morning. She refused. DH asked if he could wait until the rain calmed down a bit at least she said ok.
It started raining harder and so DH decided he was going to keep SS. This was a SHOCK to me. NEVER EVER NEVER has DH done something like this. Go against BM????? Not if his life depended on it! So he called BM and basically said I am not taking SS anywhere and you can have him tomorrow after we go to the Dr. She got mad so he clicked and she called for about an hour straight. Then she showed up and pounded on my door for another hour. She finally gave up and went home. The next morning DH took SS to the dr, bought the medicine and took him to BM.
Let me mention that DH and BM do not have a court ordered agreement. They went to a mediation type thing and wrote and informal agreement that has no legal standing. DH called his lawyer just to make sure BM couldnt do anything to him if he kept SS another night. Our lawyer said their agreement might as well have been written on a napkin and he could keeps SS no problem. I am in Mexico. I don´t know if there is something BM could have done in the US, but here she had no leg to stand on. Anyway, the next day she told DH that the following weekend DH wouldnt be keeping SS for his overnight since he had kept him an extra night. DH said no problem, he didnt want to fight. BM went to the mediator to tell her what had happened and the mediator/social worker basically told her there was nothing she could legally so she sent a letter to DH asking him to meet with her and the mediator to discuss the events that had occurred. DH`s lawyer said don`t even bother going, the mediator/social worker is just going to ask you what happened and then ask BM what happened and then you will both have to promise each other not to do it again. His lawyer suggested he get the custody agreement signed by a judge and put an end to all the BS right away. DH agreed and decided no to go to the meeting. BM got pissed and hasnt let us see SS since.
I am SICK of all the drama. I don´t want to do it anymore. I like SS, and I like having him around but I cant stand BM anymore. To be honest, we dont speak so I dont have to deal with her crap face to face, but I do have to deal with it at home. I am SICK of the bull shit. I am sick of having to walk on eggshells so as to not upset her. I am sick of worrying of what she could be plotting next. Even when its calm, I am always worrying about what she might be planning and when she will just drop some bomb on us and ruin the day. Even when we dont have SS, I feel like she is always around. She cant leave us alone. She calls at 11 at night because SSs medicine is out and she never has money to buy it, despite the fact that we give her 1000 JUST FOR FOOD every two weeks. She calls the next morning because she desperately needs some pants SS left at our place. She texts the next day because she needs a copy of the school pictures. Whenever SS needs ANYTHING we always have to pay for it and she tells us to just deduct it from CS. In the last 15 days we spent over 3000 in tuition and medicine and Drs visits and she still has the balls to text DH and ask him how much CS he owes her!
I want to be done with this. I want to not give a shit about BM. I dont want to disengage from SS because I like him and I like playing with him and I dont mind taking care of him when DH is busy or cooking for three instead of two. But... I DONT WANT TO HEAR ONE MORE WORD ABOUT BM!!!! I just dont care. I dont want to have to worry about playing nice anymore, I dont want to have to stress about her next move. I guess my question is, how can I do this when she affects my life so much? I am the one who has to comfort DH when SS gets sick because BM forgot to give him his medicine for 3 days straight, so how do I comfort him but tell him, you cant vent about what a shit BM is because I dont want to hear about her?? How can I tell DH, I dont want to hear about how she doesnt have money for medicine, if this means its coming out of MY purse?? I am working my ass off from 9-9 (DH and I just opened up a new business) just to hand over literally EVERY penny I make. How do I tell Dh I dont want to get involved and dont want to hear about it, if I am the one who has to comfort him because she is refusing to let DH see SS. How do I say, you deal with her if whatever happens affects my life too??????
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The first thing you need to
The first thing you need to do is get a court ordered custody agreement. Have parenting time mapped out to the second. File a complaint each and every time she violates the court order. You might also inquire about possible neglect if she's forgetting to give SS his med. It sounds like in his case, it could be life threatening. If she is unable to care for him properly, perhaps she should only have visitation. I'm sure she would fight you on that, and depending on where you live, it might be very difficult to get custody.
Unfortunately, BM will always be in the picture. I try to be supportive and let DH vent, but once in awhile I can't take anymore. Like you, BM is ALWAYS here in one way or another. So after I've listened a little, I tell DH..ok, BM is NOT allowed here anymore tonight. If you get a CO, you won't have to walk on eggshells. Let BM be pissed off. Not your problem. I'm glad you're not taking it out on SS! Poor little guy has been through enough in his short life...he doesn't need anymore drama!
I don't know if its possible
I don't know if its possible to disengage from the BM - I have had the same problem with ours - I have NEVER had anything to do with her, never speak to her, never open the door to her, never answer the phone to her; but she still causes stress in my life and there is nothing I can do about it.
One thing that has made it a whole lot better is my DH changing his approach to her over the years, and instead of arguing with her on the phone, he puts it down the minute she starts raising her voice etc. He has become much more assertive and deals with her much better in my opinion - it sounds like your DH is doing this too. Don't have any answers for you but a lot of sympathy - psychotic BMs are the total pits.
I am concerned that the boy
I am concerned that the boy did not get his medicines too, with one kidney an infection can cause huge scarring and once the good kidney deteriorates then ss will be very sick. BM should be made to understand that a body's VITAL ORGANS are not something to mess around with!
I believe that you should file for custody too, you strike me as the concientious sort and SS will do much better with you, while still having visitation with his mother.
I had a bunch of bad experiences with BM too, unless it was her way it was NO way, according to the planet she lived on!
BM would miss doses of SD's medicines too, ADHD, and prescriptions would go 'missing' and medicine was never sent with SD. I had occasion to go to the pediatric doctor to request an emergency script and the doctor gave it to me and asked several questions of me too. The medicine record was FLAGGED!! Doctor knew DH and I were not the ones ordering or collecting medicines and I left the room so that SD could talk to the doctor in private. There was an investigation and BM was FURIOUS! It seemed like BM was taking the amphetamines to keep weight off? Poor SD!
I thought about it, DH did so much to just 'shut her up' a lot of the time and she obviously made even more noise and DH kept perpetuating the damned cycle!? That kind of stuff can take time to turn around, depending on how thick skulled BM's are? This woman, BM, is totally self absorbed and spends her entire life manipulating those around her. She'd be doing much better to focus on dealing with her own issues, instead of making others her puppets and trying to make a show. I will not have my strings pulled by her! DH is now seeing the bigger picture too. I guess it is hard on a guy to have been in a relationship with someone as cold, calculating and psychotic as all that, it's hard to fathom how he could just 'do it' but for the sake of his kids he tolerated a hell of a lot. He's no saint by any means, he loves his kids though. As soon as I was on the scene the kids came to us and we got custody after they were abandoned one time by BM.
It's no wonder the kids have issues!
I let it be, be me and to hell with all that bullshit!
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