Disengage???
Does anyone see any negative issues arise from disengaging?? It's only been a few weeks now that I'm making sure I make my own plans before the Skids come over for the weekend, but already I can see they're not as happy to see me. They don't go out of their way to come and say "hi" or "bye" anymore. I wonder if they can tell I don't exactly like having them around?? I've never said anything in front of them or to them....
Hmmm... I don't even know yet if this bothers me or not. Maybe being left alone by them is just what I need?! Maybe now I don't need to feel like I hate when they come over!?!?!
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I originally disengaged when
I originally disengaged when my SD's were 8 & 6, because the younger one was very hostile and would sabotage all outings that the four of us went on. It was not a pleasure, so I decided to absent myself, so that 3 people could have a decent time, instead of 4 having a horrible one. From that grew a more general disengagement, because the SD's often wouldn't eat food I'd cooked and I just got really fed up with bashing my head against a brick wall.
For me the main disadvantage is that I feel excluded from stuff my DH and they do together, but, to be honest, it is usually stuff I wouldn't want to do anyway, because they are now teenagers aged 16 &14, and I am in my 50's. They go to concerts and movies with their dad, and I am happier doing my own thing. It doesn't bother me at all that they leave me alone when they are here EOW - in fact that is a bonus!
It sounds like you are feeling a bit ambivalent about having disengaged. For some people it doesn't work out - it really depends what sort of person you are - I am a bit of a lone wolf - but if it's not for you at least you will have tried it, and you can try other tactics instead.
Can you tell me.... after 8
Can you tell me.... after 8 years together, is all the misery worth it??? With everything you've gone through with the kids, are you glad you kept with it?? Or wish you had left when you first had a gut feeling that something was wrong with the picture?
To me disengaging doesn't
To me disengaging doesn't mean not courteous...Which includes conversations, etc...
As far as saying hi and bye, that's a lack of parenting, IMO...We weren't allowed to enter or exit a house without speaking to people...We'd get knocked out...seriously...
DH is teaching SD this and she's got it down...She always speaks, though it only happens at our house...which is sad...
Your skids need to be taught this common courtesy...It has nothing to do with you being disengaged, IMO...
The disadvantage for me is that SD and I aren't close...Which I'm sure wouldn't happen anyway...
DH makes SD walk a fine, respectable line, so she acts pretty decent towards me right now...
It has torn my marriage
It has torn my marriage apart. Somehow it is all my fault. His children can walk into a room and not have common courtesy of saying hello and that's ok but if I don't talk to them except for common courtesy then I am being rude...I can't win
Hope it works out better for you though.
I have a stepmother myself who has hated me since I was 6, (she has said it was because my dad still to this day is in love w my mother-and he is and she resents me for that) I lived 3000 miles away from my dad and saw him once every few years. I have always been nice and polite to her, and never get anywhere. Never in my life would I imagine that my life as a stepmother would be like this. I always thought it would be the Brady bunch and it was until their BM decided she hated me. I have 2 children and whenever their father dates someone I always encourage them to get to know them and always be respectful.
It is what it is and I keep telling myself that we will be ok once kids are older but after reading stories on here I just don't know anymore.
I'm still on good terms with
I'm still on good terms with these kids... and it IS my choice to be staying away from them. I just remember when my SO and I first got together and the skids were telling my sisters how "cool" I was and how much fun I am... now we're more distant (for me to remain sane) and I just don't want them thinking I'm doing it to be mean or anything. I didn't really ever have hopes or dreams of being close to them. I got into the relationship with their dad for their dad. They just happen to be part and parcel. In the beginning I figured 4 days a month, no big deal. Then I clicked into reality and BAM!!! Don't want to be anywhere near the kids when they come, but don't want to be a step-monster either. I'm very torn. I love SO very, very, very much... but wonder if feeling like I'm losing my sanity is worth is sometimes!!! I feel guilty that if we do part ways, he'll be out of a home. I'm not worried that his kids will be out of a home because they live in a very nice home with their mother and her boyfriend. I get along with her fine I should mention. I don't have any drama with family members being mean to me or anything... just plain ol' don't want to be around the kids or do kid stuff... or find snot... or garbage... or someones hidden peed in pants under the bed.... or long dirty finger nails that need cutting... or slopping food around in their mouths with their mouths open..... long story short, I don't have the patience needed for simple child rearing. I don't want to remind them EVERY DAMN DAY that dirty laundry goes in the laundry shoot. Not on the floor in their room. Pretty much everything that goes along with having kids around annoys me. I wonder often if it's about "if" SO and split or more "when" will we split. I can't imagine he likes hearing me talk badly of his kids or how much I don't want to be around them... but to keep that from him means more misery for me! It's a lose/lose situation I think. Anyone else feel that way?? Does it last?!?!? Will we last?!?!?