I don't care if your Aunt died BM.. that's not my emergency
No we will not take the kids on our weekend because your aunt died not even for 4 hours... how is this an emergency again? When will BM learn that we are not babysitters and actually due to their kids behavior, the less time I spend with them, the better.. SS8 ruins all of my encounters with them, she gets child support & alimony and can afford to get hire the babysitter. When I was in delivering and my 3 day old son was sick, did we call her to take her BRATTY kids back on our weekend, no, we handled it.. so handle your sh*t
So sick of her calling this house for all HER emergencies for us to take the kids... B*TCH part of the reason you are primary custodian parent is that you have them most of the time. DEAL with it.
Just needed to get that out.
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FYI, she knew her aunt was
FYI, she knew her aunt was going to die, she was in the hospital and doctors already gave them the word (this is info she volunteered to us, we obviously do not need to know about her relatives), they got the notice and she did nothing to make arrangements for her kids... she is always always calling for EVERYTHING... if she on a date, need to work late, her best friend went into delivery blah blah blah, seriously who cares... we rarely respond so not sure why she keeps texting and calling like we are an extension of her household.
I think a death in the family
I think a death in the family whether expected or unexpected there should be some cooperation. I think it's pretty heartless to say get a sitter after a death in the family. Boundaries are one thing but I think this is a little extreme.
I understand each and every
I understand each and every point and yes a death is definitely a BIG deal, it is an emergency for her and her family. She is not alone, she has a well connected, close knit family who loves her kids. If someone dies in my family or SO, we don't need to contact her in any way shape or form. It will never come back to me and not be rude but she is not my family, friend or anything remotely close to calling an acquaintance so I will NEVER need to rely on her to take care of my problems. I don't need to coexist with her and be tangled in her problems, I am sorry if it sounds heartless but our lives must remain separate even with skids.
An emergency in my opinion is if she falls ill and can't take care of the kids. If her aunt dies, she might be hurting/grieving but we will not break schedule for that, we have given in before on things similar to this and she thinks we are her babysitters so we had to put a stop to it... and I dont think we are going to budge even for this. When SO mother was sick and he had to fly to Europe to take care of her, BM didnt even offer to take the kids, we had to pay for their tickets.
Keeping things separate is the way to go, no need to interwine lives just because she is an ex...
I know what you mean and have
I know what you mean and have been nice to her, but it's best that we keep our lives separate for sanity reason. I think this whole coexisting with BM is a waste of my time..We have altered our thinking, our rule is a) if we have skids when there is any family emergency (meaning between SO and I), we handle it as normal unless it involves the kids health or whatever and she is needed BUT under no circumstances do we look to her as a alternative.In return, she needs to learn to do the same. We really don't want to know whats going on in her life etc. If the kids are affected (which is normal), they have to learn to deal with REAL LIFE situations. SO is not part of her household and certainly not available for her every event including this one.
I learnt my lesson, up until a few months ago, she had a huge problem with ME citing that she can't leave her children with someone she doesn't know...so I think the path is clear for us and it just pisses me off that she still doesn't get it.
Like most women on here, they can rely on their family and associates for help and comfort NOT BM. If you have a good or even decent relationship with your SO/DH then chances of you NEEDING BM to fill in for you should usually not be an option even with the SKIDS. I maybe wrong but this is my take.
Agree with this in many ways.
Agree with this in many ways. Our boundary is if its a family emergency and does not involve skids health or something to that degree, BM does not need to be involved or take the kids. We will use whatever means we can. Although most of his family is not here, he still have some members from his side as well as my family we can rely on for emergencies and then there are babysitters. BM needs to learn to do the same, rely on her family members and so forth for her emergencies NOT us. He is the father of the kids, but there are divorced, obviously changes are to be expected.
Did dad ask BM to help when
Did dad ask BM to help when he went to Europe?
She's dealing with a death, not bar hopping. Heck the kids are dealing with it as well. Why would dad want them with a babysitter at this time?
Dad can help now, then go back to saying no later.
We didn't need too because
We didn't need too because earlier this year when we did ask for her to just be on standby due to my pregnancy around the due date in case I went into labor on her weekend off from the kids , she went on a tirade about how its not her business and we should keep the kids (I believe her exact words were " ask a friend, family or babysitter to help out)... this is after we have given in on all her frivolous requests for 2 years. And three days later he fell sick, and we handled it , with ALL THREE of the kids and a newborn because of the how she behaved. She didn't even know when I went into labor as I was early, that's how un-involved we are trying to be. Yet she is volunteering information like we are PART OF HER FAMILY. Her aunt dies, that's sad but we don't have to be there. No, we drew the line 5 months ago and that that.. Birth and Death are pretty big deals, she drew the line and we decided from that point that its best this way to keep lives SEPARATE period. However, since its not convenient for her, she doesn't get it.
Kids has no contact with their great aunt so its not like its a close relative of theirs, they have visited her in the hospital and then went to a bday party after. When I ask them how they are doing, they couldn't even remember her name, so that is why Dad doesn't think its an emergency and kids are ok with a babysitter and there is no need to disrupt our time.
Yup we simply replied "No"
Yup we simply replied "No" and she came raging out of the house the next time we picked up the kids... thus my comment below about deciding on a driver to drop offs and picks up.. Gosh I need a normal life
SO and I want to be so
SO and I want to be so un-involved with her, we are hiring a driver to the drop and pick up.. She has a tendency to come out barking when we don't give into her requests in front of the kids and we are tired of dealing with it. The person will pick up per the legal schedule and SO has a good deal, we live 20 minutes, 2 towns over from his kids, and we see them 2 days per week for dinner, every other weekend and of course holidays are split. So he is in constant contact with them. SO and I decided that our lives do not need to be joined to her, that's why they are divorced, all he needs to know is about his kids...if she is well no need to break schedule, since she gets ample $$ to take care of kids and we get a lot of legal time to see them. His time is already divided and he needs to put 100% effort into this household instead of being flexible with her EVERYDAY.
That's how we plan on dealing with BM, now to the kids.. that's a different story.
Ok, I see why you are doing
Ok, I see why you are doing this now. At first when I read this was I leaning towards the side of you helping her out, a death is a big deal, but honestly, this is what she gets for acting that way with your originally. Sometimes it is better to cut all possible ties, and if you are at the point of hiring a driver for pickup/drop offs then you are WAY passed the point of favors.
Exactly, we are fedup with
Exactly, we are fedup with her daily changes and messing with our life. We are trying to be as normal as possible and it feels like she always has something to say, interject, be invoved etc..this cost money and it may work who knows. BUT all I know is that we are enforcing the plan outlined in the divorce and stopping all the flexibility with her PERIOD.
I don't see what the problem
I don't see what the problem is, I don't like taking my kids to funerals although they are related. Their dad should get them, just because doctors told her she was dying does not mean she should be thinking of a baby sitter. I think she assumed something this drastic would not be a problem. I think you and your husband are being very selfish. I'm sorry that a death in her family is messing with your lives but she cannot control that.Why don't you enforce the outlined plan after the funeral. BTW, your husband is not a babysitter, he's their father.
Yes, he is the father, and
Yes, he is the father, and there is also a court order in place for visitation. It's not his visitation time, and after the way BM treated OP and her DH when their baby was due, she could pound sand if she ever wanted to go against the court order.
I think it is ludicrous that you call OP and her husband selfish.
Well, thats how i feel. She
Well, thats how i feel. She keeps referring to her husband as a babysitter. It's not babysitting when it's your own kids. I understand a court order is in place but damn, this is a death. I also understand she's pissed because bm acted the way she did during labor but it's nothing wrong for being the bigger person in this case.
I respectfully disagree. SO
I respectfully disagree. SO does not have a problem with his kids attending a funeral and he is not a bad parent or is it a crime ( I am not saying that's what you meant) if he allows his kids to attend or have their regular babysitter facilitate BM while she goes through her trying times.
We all have our drastic times and in a perfect world we would be able to get along and not feel taken advantage of however, this is not the case and its not about being the bigger person or not.. it choosing to not live a life where you have to constantly be choosing to be the bigger person. Thus the whole not being involved with her or her life. I hope that made sense.
And yes he is their father and they are divorced, she is the custodian parent, she gets child support etc etc, when we have to alter our plans to facilitate her emergencies or plans, its babysitting, sorry but I am involved as well and 2 and 4 times every other week is enough! If we have them for all her emergencies and our regular visiting time, we might as well go to court and get full custody.
Give BM a hand and she will take your arm.