May need lots of STalk support soon...
I don't post often, but that may be about to change.
Since most of you probably don't know me ( I lurk alot, post rarely), here's my situation:
Fabulous DH, married 3 years, together almost 7 years. He was a SF in his previous marriage, so most of the time, he "gets it". SKids were 16 & 14 when we got together, so I missed the cute little kid years and went straight to teenager. I don't have any step situations in my family, so I had no idea of the dynamics. I made all the usual mistakes -- spent alot of my time and money on what they wanted, allowed them to hurt my feelings, etc. till I came to this site a while ago and disengaged. Of course, not living with them helped that!
SD23, married with SGD3. Total drama queen, emotionally manipulative, but DH doesn't usually see it. You know the type, doesn't come out and ASK for anything, just tells you about a bad situation, sighs, says she'll take care of it. You feel so guilty you volunteer to help "fix it", but were never actually asked to help.
SS21, slacker kid. Not a bad kid, just no motivation, likes the easy way out, hates change.
BM is a whack job. At least, that's the only way I can even attempt to understand her and her actions. Luckily, since the kids are so old, there's no CS, no spousal support anymore, and we only need to deal with her at weddings, and other major family events.
IF YOU ARE STILL READING (thanks for bearing with me!) HERE'S HOW MY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE: SS21 IS MOVING IN WITH US, as in tonight!
SS21 has been living with his BM. He quit school a few semesters ago, and has been working some piddly pizza job, not paying rent, not saving money, just partying and playing video games. Since DH & I don's support him in any way, we haven't been too critical of this. We disagree with how he's living, but since it really doesn't affect us, we have to let him choose his own direction in life. (Yes, DH has communicated this a few times to SS, but having fights about it with SS isn't worth it.) After all, he's an adult, right?
Wednesday, DH gets a call from a distraught SS21. He and his mom are being evicted -- as in guys pounding on the door, telling the neighbors to call the police on anyone in the house, etc. Pretty scary stuff, especially for someone continuing to live as a "kid" who isn't responsible for paying bills, rent, etc. and hasn't thought about the consequences of not taking care of stuff.
So, since he has no where to go, he came to our house. We told him he always has a home with us (after DH asked him how being homeless felt, and what SS planned to do to fix that), BUT there are expectations for staying with us.
Gotta give my DH props here, as he is NOT being Disney Dad. Told skid he would be paying rent here, this is not a flop house to leave his stuff at and come by whenever he felt like it. This would be his HOME, and he had 3 options for living here:
1)Live here, go to school, work part time and still pay rent
2)Live here, find a full time job, pay rent, and get ready to move out on his own or
3)Join the military and get some structure in his life and find some direction.
(Side note: My DH is ex-Navy, and LOTS of my family did time in the military, some of them career. We don't think it's a dumping ground for messed up-people, it's an opportunity for people who aren't sure what to do with their lives to get away from their sheltered world, learn how to get along in a structured environment, grow as a person and hopefully get some direction in their life.)
OK, so I'm freaking out a bit at the thought of living with the skid since DH & I are very comfortable in our little house with just each other and the cat for company. Thank you in advance for the support I know I'm going to need in the next few weeks!!!
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Comments
I am so sorry. I would
I am so sorry. I would freak. that is horrible. I hope things go ok. Hopefully he joins the military, it is a good place to get direction and stability for your life.
Oh boy! You are living out
Oh boy! You are living out my worst case scenario that keeps me up at night! I am SO sorry this is getting dumped in your lap. (I also have a sheltered immature 25 year old SS that lives in his enabling mom's basement and plays video games around the clock. As much as the BM irks me, thank goodness she lets him stay THERE.)
The good thing is your DH has already set ground rules -- he sounds very smart and level-headed and it doesn't seem like he'll let it get out of hand. That said, it's still going to be a big adjustment and I will keep you in my thoughts. I guess if you could start out disengaged and let your DH handle the issues from the start, maybe that's your best bet. I'm sure there are plenty of STers here have great advice for you so come here often!
Good luck -- I hope the best for your (hopefully short-lived) change in daily life.
(And God forbid I'm someday writing your same story on my blog -- sorry for slipping into selfish mode there...)
Thanks Ommy & Mazzy! I have
Thanks Ommy & Mazzy! I have about 2 cases of wine on standby!
I'm pretty optimistic about DH staying strong, he doesn't have alot of patience for slackers who expect others to take care of them. He grew up poor (son of a serial welfare mom, grew up in the projects) and used his 4 years in the navy to get away from poverty and decide how his life would be. He sees right through the "poor me, I don't have any opportunities" BS that lots of people throw around. He figures if he can change his life so can anyone else.
Mostly we are worried that SS won't take this opportunity to change his life, but will find a buddy to mooch off for a while.
Of course, I'm worried about my lack of privacy, and dealing with coming home to another adult in my space touching my stuff! pretty shallow worries, I suppose, but they seem pretty big right now!
I agree with others, DH
I agree with others, DH sounds like he has a plan. I also think you should disengage from the start. If ss hasn't had rules for his 21yrs he's not going to want them now. So let DH handle all rule enforcing and giving. You will probably see SS start acting like a 12yrs. just remember that is were his mind is probably at mentally. It has been my experience that what ever age a person is at when they start taking care of themselve or their parents (BM) stops guiding SS that is where SS maturity level probably stopped. Not sure if I made sense in what I'm trying to say. Good Luck.
I had two adult kids (my BD
I had two adult kids (my BD and my SS) living with DH and me too, both unexpectedly. And both in their early 20s. We had similar rules -- go to school, get a job, or both. Both did. Finally BD was able to get a place of her own while attending school part time and working part time. SS also left to go to school out of state, but ended up addicted to drugs, did rehab, all that but never moved back in with us. Oh Lordy was that an awful time.
Anyway, it's the small stuff that drove me crazy -- not cleaning up after themselves, not helping with dishes, hanging out in my room. My best advice is to speak up when your SS does something you'd rather he not. I didn't do enough of that with SS (no problem busting my BDs butt, and she was the messier of the two), and really, your SS needs to get to know how you need to live and the rules of the house, many of which are probably unspoken between you and DH.
One other piece of advice is to be sure to plan plenty of alone time with DH inside and outside of the house. Your world is about to change and you'll need his help through it. Somehow I felt like the 3rd wheel when it was DH, SS, and me, and it was my damn house. Don't go there.
Take care of yourself. You're fortunate that your DH is establishing expectations for SS upfront. Maybe SS will grow up, find some motivation, and BE somebody, and you can feel good about playing a role in that.
Let us know how it goes!