Skids Rule the House: is this normal?
SS2 (almost 3) just told me to get out of his way. He was sitting on the couch watching a cartoon. My mom was sitting on the other side of the couch. I walked into the living room to ask her how long she was staying, and apparently I was standing in between SS2 and the television.
SS2: Hedge . . . Get out my way.
ME: What?
SS2: Get out my way, Hedge.
ME: Use your manners, dude.
Then SS2 decides to ignore me , so I start talking to my mom again (there's NO WAY I'm moving "out of the way" at this point). SS2 waits a minute, then tells me to get out of the way again.
SS2: Get out my way, Hedge!
ME: You move, goofball.
SS2: NO!
ME: Well, then it's obviously not that important.
Then my mother, the PASinator supreme, asks SS2 in a singsong voice if he wants to sit with her. I tell her to stop interfering (she does this every time we see her), and then I pointedly stand in SS2's way for about three minutes before moving on.
So, I feel like CRAP about this whole interaction. I wish I had turned off the television, but I feel like DH would have been upset and told me I was overreacting.
I just hate this. I feel like everybody uses the excuse that they're "just children" to let them do whatever they want and say whatever they want, and then they're surprised when the kids are mean to each other. They are like those little chihuahua sized dogs that no one takes seriously and then they end up biting someone in the face because everyone uses their small size as an excuse to do nothing about bad behavior.
The skids are NOT MY PEERS. And if they were my peers, they would get alot more than "use your manners" in response to ordering me around in my own house.
Is this normal? Are all children treated like miniature adults who can order people around?
I was not raised this way. My dad got complete control over the television--basically the entire house--when he was home because he was the adult and he was the one paying for everything and working to support the family. And, even as a kid that made sense to me. My dad worked to support us, and so he was the one in control. In retrospect, I wish my mother had taken her authority as an adult a little more seriously, but at least I understood that adults were in control and that's the way it was supposed to be.
Am I being crazy here? I just feel like I've been dropped into this alternate universe where kids are supposed to feel like they are in control even though they're not, and that the way to show them you care is by letting them believe they're in control when they're not.
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unfortunately because of
unfortunately because of Guilty family members spoiling them and giving into them all the time they feel that they are entitled. Until Disney Dad opens his eyes you are between a rock and a hard place.
FSD3 was allowed to hit me unproved for months, yes she got a time out but it went on for MONTHS, the final straw I had was shen she ripped my earring out, I slapped her ass once put her face against the wall threw everything out of her room and put her in there from 4pm on. Then when FDH could answer his phone I had a neighbor come and stay with her, took everything I had bought her for christmas and returned it, bought FDH totes and packed up everything that was in my apartment that belonged to him. I told him he had a choice to make either fix his brat or leave. He made the choice to "fix her" so far we are stronger then ever.
I actually read your blog
I actually read your blog about the earring incident. The whole thing was really shocking. I'm glad to hear you guys worked things out.
Is her behavior better?
Yep, she has done a one
Yep, she has done a one eighty. It was a slap in her face when her sister got presents from santa and she didnt. She said she was sorry completely unprovoked. I just hope it keeps up.
wow. I'm so glad to hear
wow. I'm so glad to hear that. I can't believe the stuff you were dealing with. I hope your ear is okay!
When I 1st moved in with my
When I 1st moved in with my now DH his kids ruled his house. Down to what was recorded on the DVR. I did not say a word for a while but then I had to change things. NO you are not crazy at all. He needs to be shown manners now while he is still young. He need to understand that he can not and will not be allowed to talk to you that way. I don't care what age..... My BD2 can say please, thank you, Bless you, are you ok? So is she can do all that then any kid at any age can be respectful, if their B-parent will make them. Just hand in there I would say things get better but after 3 years of trying to help teach my 2 SD I am just now starting to say forget it its his kids let him deal with the blow ups. But you have time to maybe "fix" this... Mine are 14 and 15.
"But you have time to maybe
"But you have time to maybe "fix" this... Mine are 14 and 15."
^^^ This is what I'm worried about. I feel like everyone keeps saying they're just kids and that I'm being too demanding, but they are not going to morph into polite adolescents over night, especially if they've had years of training telling them it's okay to be rude and disrespectful.
SS2 will turn 3 in February, and he can tell me that his mom put xmas lights up, or that he wants to go to burger king, or that the dog is crying, but he can't use the word "please"? Or even phrase things in questions rather than demands?
Both my parents have actually told me that I am too demanding with the boys, but they NEVER would have allowed me to behave the way the skids do.
Just like we were taught
Just like we were taught these kids this day in time need to be taught the same way. Don't let anyone tell you they are too young. Bull you know that and I do to. They learn what the see and hear and what they get away with. Trust me you keep trying and you keep on him about having manners and being polite and it will work. You are not too demanding just wanting to be respected in your own house. Yes for some reason Grandparents let grand kids get away with so so so much more then we were ever allowed to think about. LOL
The thing that gets me is
The thing that gets me is that DH and I are extremely polite to each other all the time. So, I suppose it's coming from the other house? Or, maybe it started at BM's place, and then DH and I didn't address it enough to let them know it's not okay over here.
The grandparent thing is really an issue. My mom was here, and DH's dad was here, so it was double grandparent permissiveness going on. I also sort of shrink away from disciplining the kids in front of DH's family because I am always worried that they wil think I'm being mean.
Probably didn't handle it the
Probably didn't handle it the right way, but yes at that age they can rile you just right. I'm glad you stuck to your guns. Next time, take a deep breath and inform this "child" of his role... My SS was the same way and after awhile all I had to do was ask "Hey who's the adult here?" and he'd catch quick, drop the attitude and ask politely. Sometimes Id even get an apology-sometimes, not often.
His new thing is this passive-aggressive asking for stuff... "But I haven't done [whatever] all day"
Yeah. I know I didn't handle
Yeah. I know I didn't handle it right. Usually, I feel pretty comfortable straightening out their behavior, but DH's dad was here, and somehow I am still not comfortable disciplining the kids in front of him. He is close to BM and I am always worried that he will take stories over to her and give her more reasons/ways to cause trouble.
I love Cesar Milan. When I
I love Cesar Milan. When I first moved in with DH, I tried to do the Cesar approach, but everyone told me I was being too strict and demanding with the kids.
As a response to all that, I've started cushioning everything I say to the kids. I never lecture them about anything. I just remind them to use their manners, or I send them to time out. I don't think I've ever had a "talk" with either of them.
I know SS just kicked my ass, and my mother is ALWAYS rewarding both the skids for bad behavior. I am at the point that I'm thinking about barring her from seeing them.
I get so much conflicting advice: A) Be strict and demand respect. Or
Ignore them as much as possible and leave all discipline to DH. Or C) treat everything like it's a big joke and never take anything they do seriously.
I've always gone with
I've always gone with 'treat/train them like i do with the dogs'... reward the positive, punish the negative and ignore what is meaningless.
no, children (doesn't matter who's kid it is)should be 'boss'in any home. little unformed brains with little to no impulse control in charge? crazy talk.
rude, no response. rude again, tv off, goodbye until you can speak properly. (no treats either for doing what is expected). just like i do with the dogs.
i'm the evil step and damn proud of it.
This was my first thought,
This was my first thought, other than "are you freaking kidding me?"
But then I shied away from the idea of actually disciplining because DH's dad was there (not to mention my interfering mother), and I've been accused of being overly harsh toward the skids pretty much every day for about a week now.
I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. Really. I feel like either I'm evil and I don't know it, or that it's normal for kids to be in charge of a household somehow and I'm stubbornly resisting.
Lol, you are NOT evil...
Lol, you are NOT evil... Repeat after me... NOT EVIL!
(i've been called that, makes me really laugh)
Your not parenting, overstepping boundaries, whatever - you are simply enforcing the rules in YOUR home. As you are entitled to as it is your home. And you are an adult.
No one has a right to speak to you or treat you with such blatant disrespect. Not unless you allow them to.
My rule is, if I wouldn't allow a stranger to talk/treat me that way, why in the world would I allow anyone in my own home to do so?
Not evil. Really.
You acted like his peer.
You acted like his peer. He's 2. He needs to be TAUGHT how to behave and TAUGHT manners. Instead of standing in front of him or turning off the television,like a child, you should have used that interaction to teach him HOW to ask you to move nicely and a please and thank you. if he continued to behave badly, THEN turn off the tv and tell him WHY you did it.
If you want to be treated like an adult, act like an adult
Okay. I get that I didn't
Okay. I get that I didn't handle the situation correctly, but he is not my kid and I have never lectured either of my skids about anything. I was under the impression that it's not my place to lecture. Also, why lecture him if he's already been lectured about this behavior on multiple occassions by his father, and he already knows exactly what he was doing wrong?
Why would it be childish to turn off the television immediately? If he's going to be rude about issues concerning the television, he doesn't get to use it. We have the same rules for food, toys, games, etc. If he's not going to be polite, whatever it is he's being bratty about gets taken away.
And I would have told him exactly why I turned off the tv. I send him to time out about five times a day (on good days) and I always explain exactly why.
Yep. That would have been
Yep. That would have been much better. I am still sort of blown away by these incidents and when I feel myself starting to lose my cool, I sort of fall apart. I'm always so worried that I will blow up and yell at them, that I end up saying all the wrong things.
The problem is that both the skids don't really care if I'm mad or upset or disappointed or anything. They are pretty similar with their dad, and usually just space out when he tries to talk to them about things. They will say "okay" and then if he asks them what they agreed to, they will have no idea.
Usually, SS5 is literally smirking when I let him out of timeout.
So, I'm positive that SS2 would have ignored me if I'd told him how to ask politely. But I guess that doesn't mean I shouldn't tell him anyway (he's gotta hear it from somewhere). What then? Send him to time out? Turn off the tv?
I do want to handle things
I do want to handle things the right way. I've known the skids for about 4 years now, and I've only slipped and shown them I was truly angry about half a dozen times. I'd really love it if there was a pill I could just take that would snap me into being the best possible step mom.
I really like the time out idea. I had to do that a few months ago when I busted SS5 with his hand over SS2's mouth and nose so that he couldn't breathe. I yelled his name, made sure SS2 got out of the room, and then retreated as soon as DH made his way down the hall because I knew I was going to blow up.
Thanks for your input on this. The whole step-parent thing has really been a process for me because I've never been around kids before (not even nieces or nephews).