My story is kind of long....Im 28 and have a 9 yr old from my first marriage. I've technically known my new hubby since i was 14.He has a 6 yr old from a previous marriage, however he divorced his ex when my stepson was a baby so he has no recollection of them ever being a family. My hubby has never had a real relationship of lived with another woman (besides me) since his divorce 5 yrs ago so im the only woman his son has really been around minus his grandma..he sees his mother 3 mos a yr and 30 mins a week online. My 9 yr old has aspergers ( a form of autism where the child has delays but usually has an odd talent or is very smart in other ways) When we started dating I only met his son then 4 ONE time because he was going away for 6 mos to stay with his mother..I was LEAD to believe that he was very well behaved. So i just trusted this was true. During this 6 mos my hubby and son bonded and everything was great until his son came home. Our kids are polar opposite in disposition and personality. My son is quiet, self contained and mild mannered. His son is rambunctious, loud, violent, a cry baby, and harrasses my son constantlyto the point that my son has become very SHORT tempered, and cant stand to be anywhere near him. On their first real playdate my stepson kneed my son in the mouth on purpose ( i witnessed it) and refused to even apologize...I am black, my husband is white, my son is half white, and his son is white...we have a new baby. due to his son being the middle child our family seems disjointed..my last relationship lasted 3 yrs and i helped raise his 2 kids ( also white) and nothing felt unusual and i loved his kids so i KNOW it has nothing to do with race. my stepson is like a little demon..he will smile and act innocent and try to hug me in front of people but when alone he gives me evil glares, secretly watches me, destroys my and my sons things, and is a nightmare. Now he cries anytime we try to talk to him and my hubby is buying into it. I also think he resents his new baby brother. My son loves the baby and feels like he is a protector but my stepson kind of views the baby as something taking attention away from him and a burden he HAS to play with. The children arent allowed in the nursery..on day the baby was napping and I had to punish the boys for fighting ( 98%of the time my stepson starts it) and then my son hits him and then my stepson cries like it wasnt his fault. It erks me especially because of my son being autistic he doesnt display emotions the way normal people do he can be very emotional or have lack of emotions when most people would be upset. So the constant harrassment has made him spin out of control...but long story short i went upstairs to wake the baby and his door was ajar so i KNOW someone went in there. He was asleep on his belly and in the middle of his head ( hair) was a loogie..i checked to make sure he hasnt spit up..but there was no trail and i smelled it ..definitly not spit up and gravity doesnt work that way. Both kids denied doing such a horrible thing but i KNOW in my heart my stepson spit on the the baby probably because he was mad at me or to get back at the baby getting attention.He has also cut up my sons books including library books, destroyed his birthday presents etc completely out of spite and revenge. I honestly dont think the bad influence is coming from his mother or her family because he rarely sees them, though im sure they are making some sort of negative impression on him. His mother and grandpa are both idiotic and irresponsib;e people. She has a kid out of wedlock with some random married guy so that child takes priority in her life. A the age of 5 She and her father allowed my step son to play with guns and took pictures smiling with the guns and posted them to facebook ( if that gives you any idea of how stupid they are) as you can imagine that caused outrage with alot of people. Dont get me wrong I want to love this child and be able to snuggle up on the sofa and watch movies but I feel like im not able to. Its actually gotten so bad that its hurt the relationship I have with my 9 yr old. I give my hubby credit for not discrediting that these problems DO exsist. Im in no way saying my son is an angel but he certainly was WELL behaved before we blended our families. The fact that our kids loathe each other is 60% of the problem. Ive just now started being honest with my hubby about these negative feelings. I feel like no child should be able to have this much power over me..none have in the past. My son has been through alot..his birth dad ( my ex husband) was emotionally and verbally abusive to us both and is bipolar and mistreated my son from birth basically, that went on for 5 yrs until i finally got up enough money to move out and divorce him, we moved around alot, i had to work alot so he didnt get to see me very much, then i had a long term relationship with a man who wasnt a very good role model to my son and treated him like the " red haired step child" so basically the point that im making is a child can go through alot of changes and still not act out like my step son is, from what i've seen and heard, he hasnt really been through many changes and nothing traumatic. I dont know if we need family therapy, or what. There are times its so BAD that i want to leave. The whole crazy thing about this is that none of these issues are marital..my hubby and i are BEST friends and have an awesome marriage. I feel like i never had any pre-thought out expectations BUT i dont like the dynamics of my new family. If someone told me 3 yrs ago this is how it would be i honestly dont know if i would have married my husband or at least not without laying down demands and expectations. I really think it would help alot if my stepson lived somewhere else 50% of the time. Of course my hubby doesnt want to let his mother have him because that is like letting her "win" also he doesnt trust her, though i would have to say id trust her more with her son than i trust my ex with my son. He has already said that he wouldnt send him away..I understand and never came out and asked...but if it came down to it its HIM or ME...he can have his little chuckie doll and be alone and lose his wife stepson and baby. I REALLY do not want that to be the outcome. Children have ruined marriages..my brother with through issues with his stepson and still is..and the boy is 7 now and he's raised him since he was 3. Im scared it wont get better, reading some of the blogs up here..it hasnt gotten better for alot of people. I feel like he was raised to believe he could do no wrong, got to be in the middle of everything, and now he feels entitled. I can not be in public and have a conversation with an adult w/o my stepson butting in, cutting me off, and trying to show off. He purposefully does EVERYTHING i tell him not to do and it enfuriates me. My son gets spanked and put in his place however when i need to chestize my stepson it FEELS like spanking someone else's kid and its hard for me and he is very manipulative. He is the type of child who will/would go to school and tell his teacher we beat him and he did nothing wrong, though it was a spanking and he DID do something wrong...basically Im not going to have cps called on me injustly because of him. When he is being a baby and crying and whining for no reason and my hubby even "appears" to be buying into it, it makes me sick to my stomach and i just have to leave the room. Im searching for a job, I know being at home with the baby is making things worse. I feel like a referee, the kids FIGHT so much its constant. My son tries to separate himself from his step brother but he literally will follow him around the house, teasing and being a brat, and will go so far as trying to get into the bathroom. My son will try to hide away in the bathroom to get away his brother and it shouldnt be that way. my son walks around talking about how much he hates his stepbrother and how he wants to punch him etc. my son has NEVER been this way and i understand why he feels this way but i cant make it better. There are times when they get along and its cute and i love to see it but its few and far in between. I know this blog is LONG but im venting. Im not some crazy mean, non-understanding witch of a woman. I've never felt this way about a child before. I genuinly tried to get along with and make my stepson feel loved, if anything i was extra nice to him and gave my son less attention and apparently it didnt work. At this point i really genuinly dislike him. I feel like he tells his dad that i dont love him and that im mean anytime im out of the room, its gotten to the point that I feel paranoid and always ask my hubby what his son was talking about. I feel like im not his mother and i dont want to be. I want a trade-in for a new stepson. My hubby's mom raised his step brother from about age 4-5 and she claims she tried her best with him..he also had behavior problems and a birth mom who would poison his mind..all his life he caused problems, now he is 34 and says that she is not his mom and is dead to him. I dont want to dedicate my life to a child who in turn with tell me to drop dead and hate me in the end anywway.At this point his dad does his best to keep him away from me because he knows how much he upsets me. Im the kind of person where first impressions leave a lasting effect. So even if he turned into an angel..it would still be a while before i accepted it. When he tries to hug me if feels fake. I want to feel like he really feels like he loves and needs me. my son looks to my hubby as his real dad now and knows that his birth dad is just someone to visit on weekends sometimes for fun but he isnt the one that makes his good lifestyle possible. maybe thats the point we need to reach with myself and stepson. I cant be in the room with he talks to his mother online..she does nothing for him and could be in his life more but chooses not to be..but she talks baby talk to him and he responds to it, when im the one stuck here raising him and im the one he 'actually' is dependant on, but i get absolutely no credit from him. my hubby does give me credit, and his family finally does also. If he lived with her im sure he'd be stuck in a 1 bed rm apartment, sleeping on a sofa in dirty clothes,while his mother whored around. I can say that i take care of that child..he isnt hungry, naked, filthy, or neglected/abused in any way. Im almost at my wits end. No kids are angels..i wasnt and neither is my son but i just feel like he goes out of his way to defy me and sometimes right to my damn face...and when confronted he just shrugs and acts like he cant talk or falls to the floor and refuses to walk. I've never had to deal with this with my kid or the kids of ppl i have dated in the past so i feel ill equipt to handle it. I genuinly do not know what im suppose to do about it. I really LOVE my husband and I KNOW our marriage will last forever, the only thing that is hurting it right now is my stepson and the issues that are going on, I know this should't have been my last option but im about to turn to the lord for guidance on this one because I obviously have failed to be able to handle it my self..PLEASE if anyone has gone through this and over-came, please respond to this