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So now I'm the bitch!!! HELP pulling out my hair!!!

Emerald's picture

Submitted by Emerald on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 12:44am

Because I started disengaging i'm now being accused of being a bitch to his children. WTF??? I don't say SHIT to them unless they ask me something, then I either reply with whatever is called for with the question or I simply say "ask your dad" how the F%^& does that make me a bitch?!?!?!?! Was it this hard with your DH's when you all started to disengage? I'm being put in a very hard position here, either I just pack my stuff and leave him here ending a seven year marriage over this giving BM exactly what she has wanted from day one or I put up with abuse from DH and skids because I am NOT the MOM here nor will I be a goddamned door mat!!!!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?! OH and he blames you all on here for my as he put it f'ed up attitude!!!!!

Comments

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 1:08am

My first go-round in sparenting was with a man who cheated on me, got ad at me for the anger that would surface from time to time over that little detail, and blamed ST for my worries about what could happen and concerns. He also thought it was ST's fault that I didn't "get" that his kids would always come first. I refuse to be a door mat, too. Hence, I'm married to a man that demands and commands respect in our home. Either way things work out, I hope you stay true to yourself and don't settle for less than the respect you deserve.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 2:30am

I agree with the previous post. My DH supports and approves of my involvement in ST - he appreciates his daughters are hard work and although he would love it if I got on better with them, he understands why I have disengaged. He gets on fine with my adult daughters, but they have never given him any trouble, unlike the hell his daughters put me through.

I always says the primary allegiance should be to your partner/spouse and THEN any children of either. I think you may want to review your relationship. You are getting a raw deal from your DH.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 7:13am

This is how my SO is FINALLLLLLY.

Took awhile to pound in his head that expecting me to raise his hellions that he wanted custody of made him look like a bigger asshole than working 6 hours a day and taking care of his own children.

My SO doesn't know about ST (never go on at home) and I never said 'disengage' but he knows my attitude has changed and he knows that I gave 150% to teach and work with the skids but they were too programmed by Stupid (BM) for anything to stick.

Mary Read's picture

Submitted by Mary Read on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 8:08am

Stay disengaged. The parenting of his children is up to him. Stick to your rules and let him enforce them. I started doing this about 2 years ago and couldn't be happier. I also started making him deal (on all fronts) with BM. I will not deal with her on anything. I blocked her from our email and told her that the only way to communicate with our household is through BD's cell phone. She can text or call him. Our email is off limits.

She hates it. But, it put me back in control of a situation that I felt I needed to be in control of. She doesn't need to have anything to do with our lives.

You are right when you say that BM controls the skids' minds. It's the strangest thing I have ever come across....the mind control BM has over skids. I'm also a BM, but my ex and I work all things out for the best of our kids. It can happen. I just wonder why more people can't do it. Sad. Very sad.

MR

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 8:31am

It makes you a bitch to him because you're not doing what he wants, oh God, he has to do the work for his own children?! NO!!!

Was this another situation where it was, Hey Emerald, take care of everything they want but if they do something bad don't you dare try to discipline them?

Ask him how it's an f'ed up attitude to not want to be abused? Does he like abuse? Makes him feel good? So it should be okay if you tell him he's an a$$hole for expecting you to parent when he won't? Or that he expects you to be a doormat when you're a contributing member of the household? If you're a bitch when you try to discipline the kids and you're a bitch when you try to leave parenting to the Parent, you can't win and you're always going to be in the wrong because he's not getting the easy out for everything.

He doesn't really mean you're being a bitch to his kids, he means you're being a bitch to him.

stepintexas's picture

Submitted by stepintexas on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 8:46am

All of the above posted by Aeron!
Explain to him exactly the above!
He wants you to make life easy for him, and you are not the parent- he is.
The other poster above that said make some positive...that to- hit him with all of it.

BOUNDARIES,BOUNDARIES,BOUNDARIES!!!
Explain to him you have healthy boundaries and intend on keeping them!

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 11:45pm

Strange how DHs turn a blind eye to the steps, but have an issue when WE stop giving a rat's behind and disengage. After SD treated me like dirt when she lived with us, I disengaed. DH wasn't happy about it so I asked him how he would feel if I had a son and he treated him like SD has treated me? He had no reply other than to look foolish. Now he keeps his mouth shut about my relationship w/SD. SD and I have no relationship, but are civil at family functions, etc.

DH realizes that my actions were based on SD's treatment of me. And as of today, I choose not to have a relationship with someone who's treated me like a piece of crap . .not happening.

Set your DH straight by reminding him of the all the drama the steps have caused to illicit this behavior from you. And don't allow him to brow beat you into doing anything you don't want to do. Stick to your guns.