Disengaged means sitting in our bedroom by myself.
I've been disengaged since last Sunday when DH had a huge argument over SS7's homework.
SS7 is behind at school. He's so far behind that we're concerned he may not move on to 2nd grade. So, I took the initiative to find out exactly what he needs to work on, printed some worksheets online, and came up with a schedule for him to start playing catch up. On the weekends he sits down for 2 30 minute sessions and reads one book.
Last Sunday I was reading his book with him and he started to throw a temper tantrum. DH stepped in and told me we were done for the day and to not make him read.
I was mad because SS7 was throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old and because DH was feeding right into it, like always. Plus I'm 4 months pregnant and irritable anyway. DH and I got into a huge fight and I told DH I would no longer help him raise SS7.
So, as disengaging goes, I've kept my distance from both DH and SS7. SS7 doesn't understand boundaries - he gets right in my face when he's just gotten in trouble for talking back - so that means if I want to cut all ties I have to stay holed up in our bedroom.
I pick BD1 up from daycare on my way home from work and get home before DH gets there with SS7. I have just enough time to grab a snack for me and BD1 and we go in the bedroom and hide out. DH has been coming in to get BD1 for dinner and I stay in there by myself until it's time for BD1's bedtime routine. I don't come out of BD1's bedroom until SS7 is in his bed with the lights out. I haven't actually laid eyes on the SS7 since Sunday. And I really enjoy this time to myself.
DH told me last night, if we're going to work this out then you're going to come have dinner with the family. I refused. I'm afraid DH will try and force me out to the dinner table again tonight. I'm trying to think of an excuse to not leave my room. It sounds childish, I know.
Whenever we argue, I always make the first move towards a solution. I always apologize first, I always hug and kiss him first, and I always admit wrong doing first. This time, I will not give in and I will not make the first move to the dinner table.
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I'd tell your DH that if
I'd tell your DH that if you're going to work things out, the first thing YOU need is an apology from him.
Then I'd list out expectations/boundaries that go into effect immediately.
Sometimes I think DH's feel an actual apology isn't necessary, that going back to being "nice" is apology enough.
I agree with your stance on
I agree with your stance on this as I have dealt with this type of issue with DH and SS12. But while you are enjoying the alone time, I think you're letting him hold you hostage in your room. You can keep your silence but make your presence known.
PS - locking yourself in your
PS - locking yourself in your room makes them feel "they won"...instead, go about your day, go out for errands if needed, sit in the living room and read a book, play on the computer, etc...do gardening, whatever you want to do...and just talk to your BD...it'll really piss them off lol
You know, it always puzzles
You know, it always puzzles me why us smoms have to be "bannished" from our total home to our bedrooms so that the skids can run untammed throughout the house, all in the name of disengagement. Why in heavens name can't the skids be banned from the entire house to their rooms???????????????? I really mean this. Why can't we make them stay in their rooms until they learn to follow rules and be part of the household in a mannerly and respectful way toward us smoms. It's our home, not theirs, so why should we lose access to our home? WHY???????????? It makes me angry when I hear stories from smoms like New momma, who have to sit in "time out" with their little children and being pregnant. In a normal home the moms and dads are the kings and queens in the home and the kids are NOT.
That being said, maybe us smoms should start taking back our kingdoms and start making bd;s and their spawns live in their bedrooms or the recrooms. My SO and his two boys basically live down in the recroom and their own rooms and only come up stairs for meals and to sleep. Sometimes I get a prickle of guilt but then I think - hell, who pays the bills around here anyhow? Yup, it's time for us smoms to be taking back our homes, and stop cowering in our bedrooms (i've done it too).
Yep the "one big happy
Yep the "one big happy family" model. With strings attached of course. That is that SM worships his spawn and waits on them hand and foot. When his spawn return the helpfulness of SM with cold looks, ignoring her, cursing her out, SM is supposed to look the other way while daddykins pats his spawn on the head.
GOOD JOB, SPAWN!!!
:sick:
I just went about my day, gardening, cleaning, running the vacuum as loudly as possible. I dare not leave the house while they were there because I'd come back to:
-unimaginable destruction/accident waiting to happen (Behemoth would sue ME b/c it's MY property)
-wild, crazy ass spending and GG overdrawing himself on disney/guilty daddy shopping sprees for the spawn
I do just this. This skids (4
I do just this. This skids (4 and 6) are allowed in their playroom, bathroom, and bedroom. The rest of the house is my kingdom, and I enforce this with those plastic baby gates. I let them over if they ask nicely to help me with dinner, or we are doing something as a family or whatnot, but seriously, I am an adult with a full time job, full time school, and I am a FULL time stepmom (their mother lives across the country) so I need my adult space.
If they put their toys in my room or the living room or something, I immediatly make them come and get it out themselves. I simply tell them that they have a room, and a playroom, and their toys do not belong in the adult parts of the house.
If you were to enter our home, and look at the kitchen, living room, dining room ect. you would not know that children live there, and that is how I like it.
I would join the family for
I would join the family for dinner but do not speak to the child. See in my world disengaging means not dealing with day-to-day issues regarding the child/ren.
Example: SS decides to grab a pan with boiling water. I would stop him from doing this and call his father's attention to the issue and say "You need to deal with his." and walk away.
SS wants a drink of milk with dinner. I would say "Ask your father please. He is in charge of you."
SS gets hit by a baseball and gets knocked out. I would call the emergency services and go with him to hopital and wait until his father arrives and ask if he wants you to stay for moral support.
SS wants to go and play with a friend. I would tell him he needs permission from his father first. You are unable to give permission at this time.
See, disengaging means not taking responisbility for anything to do with the ordinary care of your SSon. It doesn't mean falling off the face of the earth and entombing yourself to avoid him. If your DH throws a fit you point out HE is rightly this boy's father and as his son does not pay attention to you it is better he deals directly with all ordinary issues regarding his son.
Staying in your room looks like sulking. So when teens choose to hide out in their rooms we should call it 'disengaging'.
It would be far better for you to be IN the house and moving around so SS HAS to see you all the time rather than pretned you aren't there anymore so he doesn't get to deal with you in his world and reclaims the house for him and his dad.
I'm not bannished or being
I'm not bannished or being held hostage or being chased out of the room. I'm staying in my room because if I'm at the dinner table it's inevitable that I'll correct him or let him get to me.
Plus, I don't really want to ignore him. I like hearing how his day at school was, I just don't want his mouth full of food while he's telling me.
I don't blame SS7 for his behavior. I blame DH. DH is the one I should ignore and hide from!
But, you all are right. I'll go to dinner and make my presence known. Afterall, it's MY house.