pick up and drop offs plus rant. sorry ya'll
Ok. My dh and I have had a very, very rough week in regards to sd. Posting on this site, and reading ya'lls stories has had me wanting to stick up for myself a bit more.
This week started with me telling my dh I needed him more than ever. I have a chronic illness that at times manifests into some scary symptoms. This week also happened to be finals week for school, and my sd is sick. Monday I text him and ask if he could be home early as sd is sick, and I was having a flare-up that required bed rest. Not only did he stay gone until 9 pm darting around, that he had the balls to yell at me for being hurt. He was so dramatic in his yelling at me that a steak knife flew out of his hand striking me in the foot. A total accident, but I retreated to my room because I knew talking would further make him mad. Tues, I remind him I need to study for exams, yet he found stuff he just had to do instead. Wed rolls around, I get a text saying he is off work at three, great I said see you soon. Guess who shows up 3.5 hours later. He HAD to meet a friend. Today he leaves for work, when he gets off I said you're done for the night right I have work due tomorrow... He says nope, I'm leaving in 15 min, I have plans. Boy was I mad. He finally comes home after hanging with the guys at 11 pm.
Now he informs me the pos Bm wants to see her daughter on Monday and I HAVE to do the drop off. I said excuse me, I am doing EVERYTHING. The least you can do is schedule a drop off that doesn't involve me. Bm hates me, is rude to me. And outright trash talks me.
Now dh is pissed saying we're married and I need to shoulder some responsibility here. I blew a cork. I flat out told him I do 98% of the parenting to sd. To the point this week sd was in the tub and needed her hair washed. I was doing homework so sd asked dad to do it he said no. I don't feel like it. Ack
Aside from my rant, on the subject of picking up and dropping off, am I being a stubborn ass by refusing this aspect of parenting sd? I have no troubles going with and staying in the car, but a solo trip... Not in my comfort zone. Or as dh said, do I need to get the f over it, and its part of being married to a single dad?
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Comments
Your DH needs to remember he
Your DH needs to remember he isn't single.
Try pointing out his wedding band and reminding him you are his wife, not his nanny. If he wants a nanny he needs to start paying you 35k a year and oh btw my working hours are 9-5 work your schedule around that. You will be home until 9 in the morning and must be back home by 5pm.
If he cant do a drop off, BM needs to pick up. Not your problem.
If my husband treated me this
If my husband treated me this way in regards to one of his children, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he would need to arrange alternate care for her unless he was home and able to care for her himself. If he refused to do so, I would call the child's mother and explain the situation, and tell her to pick up her child post haste.
It's one thing to care for a stepchild while your spouse works. It's an entirely different thing to be saddled with full responsibility for that child while your spouse works, is home, and darts about town with friends and hobbbies. That's commonly known as BULLSHIT.
"That's commonly known as
"That's commonly known as BULLSHIT."
^^^ This. A thousand times over, this!^^^
^^^ EXACTLY what I was going
^^^ EXACTLY what I was going to say! ^^^
Wow Stand up for yourself now
Wow Stand up for yourself now and Don't do it. I am only 22 and I have basically been the nanny for the last year. The first time I started doing child pick up and drop off was one weekend after Dh and BM got into a big disagreement. Ever since then it has been like pulling teeth to get him to do it and anytime I can't or won't I get an attitude problem worse then SS6. Go figure. Save your sanity now and don't do it. He will begin to expect it. As for him hardly being home I don't quite know. It sounds about like mine except mine is usually home and just sits and front of a TV leaving 90% of everything to me. and I got 3 Skids and a BD so I am going completely bonkers. You are so not alone in this one.
I haven't had a need to post
I haven't had a need to post this in a while but I think your situation probably qualifies:
BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
The right to goodwill from the other
The right to emotional support
The right to be heard by the other and responded to with courtesy
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
The right to live free from accusations and blame
The right to live free of criticism and judgment
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement
The right to live free from emotional or physical threat
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
The right to be called by no name which devalues you
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
This is from the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
OH - and even if the steak knife WAS truly an accident....he's still a jackass for even putting you IN a situation where an accident like that COULD have seriously hurt you!
I have never read these
I have never read these rights before, Thank you for posting them. I think I will be printing these off and taping to my dressing mirror. I too have many faults, and it is no excuse but it's probably obvious I have a very low sense of self worth. I came to these boards seeking courage, wisdom, and strength from women who may be in situations similar to mine. I also think a big part of me needs validation... That what I am feeling or thinking about my responsibilities towards SD are unfair
He is an ass. If you don't
He is an ass. If you don't have kids with him, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. He is treating you like a doormat. You deserve much better.
(No subject)
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
To all of the responders,
To all of the responders, Thank you so very much for taking time out of your day to repond to my rant/question.
I 100% believe the steak knife throwing incident was an accident, he has never laid his hands upon me in anger. He was just so damn mad at me that he was gesturing wildly with the said knife. It went flying and I ended up on the other end. I retreated because it would have been foolish to escalate his anger further.
We went through pre-marital counseling and discovered we have vastly different ideas on arguing. He explodes, I implode. He deals with problems hot and fast, where I retreat and think things through before confronting. I am such a control freak, that it pisses him off when I isolate, ponder and come back to him when I am in control of myself. When he verbally attacks me it triggers the shut down button, this is what makes him furious. He would rather I scream, yell, or utilize phrases I don't really mean. I don't like speaking from anger.
I am a firm believer anger is a secondary emotion. It is used to cover an underlying problem; frustration, hurt, sadness, etc. I would rather speak from an emotion of truth rather than one that is false.
He may fall in the category of emotionally abusive, I don't know. I am not sure that I understand a lesser degree of what that is. I have been physically and emotionally abused by people prior in my life,so badly that I'm lucky to still be alive. The cycle started as a child, and continued into most of my relationships. I kept picking the BF's that would beat the crap outta me, rip my self-esteem to shreds... Leaving me broken. A few episodes of berating me, and me shouldering the blame that EVERYTHING is my fault is small when compared to what I have lived through most of my life prior to DH. I am still learning to put the pieces of my self-esteem together, but to this day I still have issues. I let most anyone take advantage of me, because darn it, if they feel the need to they must need whatever they're getting more than I. I am the am still the fixer in my family, I get calls all hours of the day from my family... Brother2"I have no care can I use yours, oh and please buy it new tires and an oil change prior to me picking it up, it'll only be for 2 weeks or so...(2 years later I finally got my car back)"... "______ tried to commit suicide come take care of him." Brother 1"I have no food, can you buy me and my 6 kids food for the week?" Dad-"Mom is sick again can you care for her, give her a shower?" Mom-"Honey I can't get the house clean before dad gets home, can you come do it before 5?" It goes on and on. These calls happen when I'm trying to sleep, on vacation, it doesn't matter. There are no boundaries. I am just the go-to girl.
As far as my DH, Is he cheating on me now? I don't really think so. He has in the past, and we had to come to terms with it in our own way. I am learning to let go of the hurt, and he is learning to live with my modicum of distrust. Lately he has been involved with a mutual guy friend racing RC cars, and pursuing his passion for music.
We have two main areas that we have disagreements, SD and money. If I could just find the keys to change these aspects of our marriage I could be quite content.
I am in such a tough position because I love my SD more than my very next breath. She is a pain in the keister at times, but she's a kid. I don't want to have to step away from her in order for her daddy to step in. To me, it seems like her and I would both lose in that situation. I'm trying to figure out how to make him understand that while I love her, I am not 100% responsible for her upbringing.
Sd does not respect her dad, does not listen to him... I have told him time and again it is his fault for not being a dad.
Sending her to BM is not a choice at this time. BM does not want her, but has expressed interest in maybe taking her more this fall. BM has it made, she visits her daughter when she wants, still earns CS, and gets to be young and free.
It scares the beejeesus out of me to have her stay any length of time with BM, Last visit my SD got a tummy flu, BM said come pick her up I have plans that don't involve a sick kid... We both had to work and did not have a sitter lined out. BM was pissed but kept her until we could get my SD the next day... SD says to me; "Mom, something really bad happened, Mommy wanted to go shopping and I was puking, so she told me to play my game and she left me home alone. It was really bad mom."
How the hell do you rationalize leaving a puking 5 year old home ALONE to go SHOPPING? BM has much growing up to do! I wanted CPS to be called on BM as a wake up call, but DH said he ould handle it privately.
Wow, This turned into another novel! Sorry Ya'll. I finally feel like I have a place to be open, and not worry about it coming back to bite me in the bum. I don't dare talk to my family or friends. First they wouldn't understand, Second I do have pride... I would be ashamed if they saw what I really was behind the doors of my home.
Thank you again everyone for your time! I appreciate all of the input, it feels so darn good to be validated!