Ok, I'm a stepmom-3 year into marriage w dh and sd 8. Things i think are pretty good overall. we have full custody, BM gets visits every other weekend and she is the cliche crazy etc. anyway, sm life has not been easy but relative to alot of things i think our little family has gelled pretty good to this point.

So here's something I need your input about: to spare you a lot of details my dh has a dad and stepmom who live in the same town as us. over the years my dh stepmom has managed to alienate all of dh siblings and is not shy about her disdain for them. In my opinion she "tolerates" us but it would not make her sad if we dropped off the planet. What i cant understand for the life of me is that my dh was 2 when they got married and they basically raised him and as a stepmom myself i cannot fathom being so indifferent to my stepchild at this point, let alone after i've rasied her for 16+ years!he was not a bad kid, he is a great human being, never asks them for $, has supported himself, is resepctful, etc etc. seriously. and the stepmom will even say that "Dh was never that bad" but she honestly could care less about us. she treats my sd like red headed step-grand child while she buys new cars etc for her (her son has 2), which i dont care about cars or thier money or antying, just a "hi how are you?" would be nice. Anyway, so I vascillate between just being totally indifferent to them not in a mean way but just b/c truly i dont want to force myself on anyone and between wanting to kill them w/ kindness. not in an insincere way but in a way that shows we do value them (if for nothing else than they raised my husband). And in my opinion i think stepmom is so bitter about hte past (as in like 20 + years ago) and is just kinda a sad person in general that her prickliness is just a cover for believing that she wont be liked. You dont get hurt or rejected if you keep people at bay. But i think that b/c I cant IMAGINE treating sd the way she treat(ed) my husband. Anyway, so what do you suggest? just let it go and let her have her way (which i truly think is to "win" and have her son's family the only ones in thier life, which btw, her son is from her first marriage and is not dh half sibling), or really make an effort to invest in them and love them despite thier suckiness? I just think she needs to get over crap already and move on w/ her life but she seems more interested in harboring the past and all the ways shes been wronged (even though her realtionship w/ dh's dad was borne out of an affair-they were both married). I dont know. I want to love the unlovable, but maybe the reality is they really DONT care, and even though i cant fathom that, it's just the truth and i just need to let it go. Thoughts? and yes i think his dad also sucks for letting stepmom call the shots like she has.