Interesting....I think that you will find, over time,that your situation will not be much different than some on here. And yes...you are going to get bashed again for this. lol

I don't really think it has much to so with the way the Women are. I think the problems arise because all of our men are so much alike. Kinda of weak...

Our baby momma isn't strong willed. She's STUPID. And because she is STUPID she does STUPID things. Like telling her kids that their dad doesn't love them. Look at how your dad lives in that big house and left us here to rot. Your dad spends all his money on HER and HER kids. Leaving out the little detail of how much CS she squanders on God knows what. We are NOTHING alike. I was a major upgrade and she knows it and that's why she hates me so much. And because she hates me so much she will do whatever it takes to ruin the marriage we have. I have to say, there's nothing worse than a persistent bitch because lately, I've been giving serious thought to bailing.

NRMT, for your sake, I hope your home situation doesn't turn into the type of nightmare many of us are faced with (sorry to end with a preposition). However, your husband's daughter is only 9-yo. You have yet to face her teen years, which can be nightmarish.

You might want to stick around this place, learn to communicate with the people here in a less antagonistic way, and see what you learn that might be helpful if/when your situation goes South.

Nope - I feel DH married me looking for a replacement mother for his kids who already have one and has no intentions on being replaced, that I tried to live up to that because I love my husband and now that I am about finished with that unrealistic expectation DH is coming to realize that I married him to be his partner and wife - not mother to his children and we need to come to terms on what he really wants in life.

I have kids, I married DH to be my partner in life only.
He has kids, he married me to be a replacement mother which is the root of all current issues in our home.

Until he comes to terms that I am not going to be a replacement mother and only his partner we are going to have issues. Who knows, he may decide that a replacement mother is what he wants more than a partner and if that comes to be then we will divorce and go our own ways.

I think just the opposite is true. Uncouth does not equal strong. It is more a matter of Unintelligent vs Intelligent. We 2nds are Strong in our mental and social abilities. The BMs are strong in the boxing ring.

You don't have to conform to fit in here. Just not come across as judgemental to those of us who struggle with blending our lives and need to come here to vent, so we do not do something terrible to BM or these SK's.

>>> Do think situations like mine are smoother simply because my husband went against type and married me the second time around?<<<

No, I don't think that is the reason.

I wouldn't know how to describe DH's ex. But a few descriptives come to mind:

Lazy - she's had 3 jobs her whole life (she's 33) and each only lasted about 2-4 weeks because she would start getting 'sick' then get fired or quit. Another instance of her lack of motivation is when she and DH were still married and SD was about 7-8 months old, she was playing a computer game (one she played 24/7) and didn't even get up to use the restroom, she actually pee'd in a BIG GULP cup and left it.

Low Intelligence - several posts ago, I posted about how SD said her ABC's funny (when she was 4) come to find out, BM didn't know hers either. She also calls DH and asks for help with SD's homework (she just started 2nd grade).

Dirty - This could go along with lazy, she showers about once a week and has never used deodorant.

Easy Money Motivated - When she and DH were married, she once slept with 6 seperate men in 1 night just to earn $300.00 to buy a blowdryer and flatiron. (This is the first of many things that led to their union's demise).

She's really a pushover and very gullible. She has no goals and doesn't seem motivated to ever do anything.

I seem to be the complete opposite. I've worked since I was 14, nonstop. I graduated college with a 4.0 and honors. I shower every day (wash my hair every other to allow healthy oils, but I use dry shampoo so it isn't icky). I'd rather work hard for my money rather than have it handed to me or have to do something disgraceful to get it. I supported myself for a long time before living/marrying. I'm outspoken and strongwilled. Sometimes to the point that my bluntness causes lost friendships.

I wouldn't take it to heart thinking you are missing the maternal instinct. I too think I was born without one, but I think it has more to do with the 'not my biological child' thing. It's hard to build a maternal and loving relationship with a child that is not your own. I tried with SD when she was little, it was hard. I think I tried TOO hard and burnt myself out and ended up resenting the fact that I tried so hard. Now after 5 years, I realize it is not unrealistic to think that I may never have any sort of relationship with SD. There are several other factors that come into play here too: DH's ping pong with parenting (one moment he disciplines, the next he is Disney Dad, sacrificing our mortgage payment to buy SD the latest and greatest), BM's PASing, SD's mental illness...I found I was burning myself out trying so hard and getting nothing but a backlash of hatred. So I stopped, I stopped trying. I 'disengaged'. I now do nothing for SD unless it directly effects me or my pets or my possessions. It has given me the ability to let go of some of the resentment I felt.
All 'stepparents' have unique situations that can cause them great resentment and depression, and some may find they revel and glow in a step-situation. I don't quite understand my place in our family yet. I don't like the 'stepmother' title, because I don't really do anything or feel motherly toward her. Stepdom is an alien planet that we traverse when we get into these relationships. I wish there was an operator's manual, but we just have to sort it out as we go.
I hope you stick around. Many of these ladies have made me laugh on my worst days and given me the 'you aren't strange' I needed. Some of us have it really bad. I mean bad, bad. But some are just confused as to where they stand.
I know in another post you said you didn't like to read any other stepparenting books or articles, but Wednesday Martin has an amazing book called Stepmonster that has really helped me a lot.

Early in my marriage, I would agree with your thinking. I am completely opposite my husband's ex-wife. We thought we would live happily ever after because I'm non-confrontational and both of them are, and I don't like to push buttons, so hopefully we would have peace in our lives.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. It may still work for you though.

Anytime DH has issues with BM, SD21, or work, I get blamed for it. He doesn't want to involve me since these are not my battles, but he holds it in, and then takes it out on me without realizing it.

After 6 years, I've gotten tired of being the "punching bag", and now I have two babies of my own I need to make sure are taken care of. I know my husband wishes I was still the shy girl he first met, but I can only take so much abuse.

I keep my mouth shut around SD21...I certainly don't mother her, and oddly enough SHE is the one who refers to me as her stepmother. I don't like how disrespectful and entitled she can be, and worry that my boys will end up like her. She's not "bad", but she's not very like-able. Watching her get older has shown me how not to parent!

On this site, we all have different situations, and I think nobody likes to get lumped into a certain stereo-type. There's so much drama at home (for me it's rare but BIG when it does happen) that this is a good place to vent and hopefully not get judged.

I have been following your blogs but haven't commented because they don't pertain to me. On this one, I will. This marriage is both my first and my husband's first. SS8's bm and her family have had almost nothing to do with him since a few months after he was born. I am here and I have issues because I raise a child to whom I have no parental rights and it is stressful. I don't appreciate society looking down on me. I don't appreciate people asking personal, invasive questions. I don't appreciate anyone telling me what I can and cannot do with my life or with the child that I raise and put massive amounts of money into. And since all those things happen anyway, I am now default defensive. I am here because I experience a great deal of stress and negative feedback from society, pop culture, and strangers and I need an outlet. I encourage you to stay if you need an outlet, too.

Our situation is different because this time my his and married not ONLY for love, but also for the qualities that are important to him in a spouse. He loved his first wife madly. He divorced her because she was a bad mother. He didn't love BM2. He was trapped by her and manipulated. He loved who he thought BM3 was, but she was of a marrying mind, and put on a show to "seal the deal". He and I were friends first, and our passionate fiery love is second to the fact that we actually like one another, and we love this family. We put it first, and it makes us love each other more.

I don't think that has anything to do with it. Bm and I are absolutely nothing alike. I have been a sm for over 12 years. My ss is now 14. The first couple of years I never would have dreamed of such problems. I didn't engage in petty arguments with bm, but rather was " the bigger person" for ss. Dh had full custody and traveled for his job. I ended up being primary parent. Little did I know that when I met this cute little 2 year old toddler that he would turn out to be the spawn of Satan. I haven't laid eyes nor spoke to bm in probably 3 years. She's not an issue at all in our lives. My issues are solely with the kid.

I think, in part, you are issue free as you have no kids of your own. I don't really give a flying eff what ss does unless it affects my kids. I don't even personally care that much what he does to me- I'm a big girl I can handle it - but he and my kids are close in age( he and my dd are in the same grade and ds is only a year behind). So he causes them a lot of trauma and has for years and years. It's why he now lives with my mil. Unfortunately the kids attend the same school so the drama continues as he can't seem to leave my kids alone.

Am so grateful that i met a spell caster online whose email is [email protected] that cast a spell for me that finally reunited me and my husband back together.
I tried many other spell casters, they all took my money and never did anything for me, but this last one i gave a try worked just as i wanted it.
Lucian.