Am I a horrible person?
I have been married to my husband for 2 years but living together for a total of 11 years. He has two children from a previous relationship, a son and daughter.
At the childrens mothers decision my husband and I have had no contact with his kids for the first 10 years of our relationship. My husband wanted contact, but the mother refused and moved away without disclosing her new address. My husband had the mothers bank details and has paid child maintenance for the entire 11 years regardless of the fact he didnt know where his children were.
Around 12 months ago the mother suddenly allowed access to the children and we had them stay with us for a weekend. This was the first time I had met them. They have also stayed with us a second time since then. So in total I have seen these children for 5 days in 11 years.
The mother is now insisting the son alone comes and lives with us permanently as he has become to hard to handle for her.
This is the part where I feel like I'm a horrible person. I am very strongly against this. I don't want to bring up someone elses child. I never signed up to being a parent with my husband. We had already decided long ago before marriage that we didn't want a child in our relationship and have been happy and content just the two of us.
Now my husband is contemplating the idea of allowing his son to live with us without having a proper discussion with me about it. I feel very bitter about this and I am not willing to give up the lifestyle we have created from the decision to not have children.
But on the other side I understand what a difficult position this puts my husband in. He loves his children and wants to do the best for them but I just cannot accept what a monumental change to our life this would be. I know I sound incredible selfish but we made a conscious decision a long time ago to live our life together just the two of us and I don't see why I should have to give that up.
The mother denied contact for 10 years and now the son has become a teenager and is becoming difficult she wants to wash her hands of him and dump him on us (we live at the other end of the country to her)
Can anyone give me some advice please. I feel like I can't talk to anyone (family or friends) about this and I'm getting very stressed over it.
Thank you.
difficult
In all honesty your DH and you are strangers to his kids. I can understand his need to be there for them, but it would do more harm than good to just have him move in with people he doesn't know. There needs to be a getting to know you period.
Your Dh needs to know what the problems are. Does the child have mental issues, learning problems. Is it just normal teenage issues, or a compete lack of parenting. would there be safety issues for you? Are there legal issues going on with him?
There seem to be a lot of unknowns with this. Would a court even alloww it since there had been no contact for do long? These are all questions your Dh should be able to answer before he asks this of you.
No its not mean or selfish when being child free was a mutual decision. Yes he had kids when you met, but they were a non factor due to forced seperation. Good luck.
You are not a horrible person
You are not a horrible person- you entered a relationship with certain expectations and you may never have anticipated that these would be compromised by an estranged SS. The thing is your DH, having been a responsible but somewhat absent father, is now facing taking that responsibilty further and welcoming his son home, so to speak. This leaves you in a very vulnerable position and you are right to worry. I think you need time to sort out what your expectations would be once this boy comes into your home, because I'm pretty sure it will happen in some form or another. Decide on your stand- do you want to issue an ultimatum- you or the child? If you allow him for a trial- how long will that be for? What ground rules would you lay down and what do you do if they are enfringed?
I think there does need to be some investigating on DH's part as to what is going wrong with this boy, and would his coming to be with you fix this? I feel he has alot of work to do to convince you it will work, and if he isn't prepared to do that investigating then I would be vey concerned indeed. This is a difficult one, but although you thought you would be child free- this child is half your DH's and always has been. I wish you all luck in sorting this out, but hope you seek out some help in making these tough decisions.
BM sounds like a horrible person
Due to BM, this child does not know his father, yet now, because BM can no longer handle being a parent, she wants to send the child off to live with a stranger?
As much as your DH wants to help, he should think twice before taking the child in, because the child doesn’t know him. This child is already struggling and is now facing being abandoned by his mother because he’s “too much” for her to handle.
One question - was your DH working with a lawyer when BM was keeping the children from him? Did he ever pursue charges against her? Seems like a lot to not see your kids for 10 years. Unless he had been abusive, I would think most courts would have demanded that she not keep the children from him.
Lawyers
Hello strugglingSM, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I'm still reading/re-reading the reaponses I've received but I wanted to answer your question for you.
When the BM cut all contact and moved away my DH went to the Citizens Advice Bureau to find out his rights and where he stood on this matter. They advised him to see a lawyer but that he would have to pay the legal costs himself because his annual wage was £100 over the threshold to qualify for legal aid.
He couldn't afford to pay legal fees himself. His wage is barely above minimun wage and he was paying off a debt himself and the BM had created when they were together but the BM had washed her hands of and walked away from, refusing to help.
I know how much it hurt my DH to not be able to afford to fight for access to his children so please don't think he didnt try.
Regards,
Donna101
Changes
Sounds as if DH is looking to materially change the terms of your marital contract. Unfortunately, no matter how you renegotiate the relationship, there will be no returning to 'what was.'
unsettling
The remergence of children into a parent's life is stressful for everyone. It's totally fair to be upset & frightened as you anticipate how your lives will change.
Your DH needs much more infomation. He also needs to realistically create a support network since he'll be jumping in blindly. Just because DH chose to accept his absentee-parenting previously, does not change the fact that his son will most likely do better in the long run with his father than to be placed in care.
I'd encourage DH to gather facts, not opinions -- talk to some experts. Read a few books even, before you open your home unless there is a crisis.
Perhaps there is a middle-ground of increased visitation, Skyping, emails & phone calls to be explored first?
Standard BM procedure. Raise
Standard BM procedure. Raise their little dumpling until they reach the obnoxious teen years and then dump them.
It's "their baby" and they must have primary custody - until the child becomes an out of control hellion and then they can't dump the kid fast enough.
Not that I really blame them that much. Young children can be so adorable and loving. And then a teen - especially a male - becomes a violent, dangerous out of control person who is a real threat. I'd probably want out too.
I wonder if you could flip
I wonder if you could flip this to look supportive but know that it won't actually work.... Have your DH only agree to take SS if he can take both kids and she pays CS. Otherwise, she made the monster she can fix him.
As notasm described - this is
As notasm described - this is what NPD BM tried to do to us - ie "raise the little dumpling until they reach the obnoxious teen yrs then dump them".
I told DH that taking into account the way I had been treated by NPD BM and her daughters, there was no way in this world that I was willing to have a teen who obviously hated me, dumped on me. NPD BM created the monster, let her raise it. Of course he was free to do whatever he saw fit - but if he'd offered one of the SDs a home in ours, I would no longer be living there. Plus he would have had to sell our house to give me my share.