Helping skids but own kids left out
Today is just one of those days. I feel like a bad mom because I'm having to fight to help my own child. Skids get everything that they want/need/and more. I have two of my own kiddos in college. My ex H helps thank goodness. He was military so they split the GI bill and that helped. That is over now though. Last night my son told me that he didn't think he had enough money to pay his rent this month. The boy hasn't asked for a penny in over a year. As a mom, I think, well how will he buy groceries if he's having trouble covering the rent. I mention to DH that I'm going to have to help him out. I'm all about independence, but I slept on it and I can't not help him, especially when I see all the costs going to SD18 this month...$100 for her bday, $100 for a graduation cake (her and BM wanted a $400 one and we drew the line), $50 to change the oil in her car, $350 going into an account because now that she's 18 he told her he would put her half of child support aside and give it to her monthly for college (not in the divorce decree...since my kids got their GI bill, he thinks his daughter deserves this), $300 graduation gift...and so on and so on. And the fact that DH asked me why my son couldn't pay his rent...well, I don't really know, but how can I sleep at night knowing what we do for the skids and what we don't do for mine. How could I even look at the skids knowing, mine might not have food to eat!?! At the end of the phone conversation, he says if we need to help him, do so, but I should always discuss it with him first. I'm struggling guys. I really am. Everything is massive for SD18...BM is throwing a massive grad party...catering, wedding style cake, rented a building...maybe even a band for all I know. Resentment is building...like I said, I'm struggling...
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Oh yeah, he can't stand when
Oh yeah, he can't stand when I point out what we are doing for the skids. He gets so defensive over it. Give his daughter $350 a month because my kids got a GI bill? Does that even make sense? Their dad spent a career in the military and they would go months growing up without their father, so that was definitely earned.
Your DH is being ridiculous
You need to take care of your DS. To hell with the extras for SD, if necessary.
Does he discuss every
Does he discuss every additional purchase he makes for his daughter with you? If not, tell him to pound sand and shove his unwanted opinions. If it's your money, help your son if you want.
Are your finances separate?
Are your finances separate?
DH and I have separate finances and let me tell you, if I want to help out a family member with my own money, I damn well will. I do always discuss things with DH (who is always in agreement because I do not hand out money willy-nilly) but your husband does all of this money funneling to his daughter without your input, so...
$100 for her bday, $100 for a graduation cake $50 to change the oil in her car, $350 going into an account because now that she's 18 he told her he would put her half of child support aside and give it to her monthly for college (since my kids got their GI bill, he thinks his daughter deserves this) $300 graduation gift...and so on and so on.
Seems to me, you can buy your son about $900.00 worth of groceries or help with his rent. I would find out why he's having problems making rent and see if you can help him figure out what to do about that, but your husband can stuff it.
I wish our finances were
I wish our finances were seperate but they aren't. His whole paycheck goes into our account and I pay bills out of it. I've brought it up, but he is none to happy about that...plus, after he pays BM, he brings home less than me...I doubt that he would be able to cover his half of bills and that would leave me high and dry. I just take his whole check and make it work. I talked to my son and he said that he wasn't able to get in as many hours at work this past month because of projects due for school. We gave SD18 her car. BM asked DH if he would do all the upkeep on it too. He agreed to that without bothering to ask me about it. He has fought with BM about the cake for the party. She picked out a wedding cake for the grad party that was $400. We said no way...we will purchases a normal rectangular cake that is still $100. Both BM and SD18 are pissed about the cake. I wouldn't be surprised if she has her own cake there and we throw that money away getting the cake. It's ridiculous. If it's for the skids he doesn't question anything. I'm just hurt and bothered that he had to have a discussion about it. He knows that I don't help mine out regularly. I guess me telling him that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night and I feel like a bad mother wasn't good enough. I just had to jump through hoops to get his "ok." I talked to my son and he's about $100 short. That's nothing compared to what we are doling out everywhere else.
If he cannot cover his
If he cannot cover his portion of bills, he has no business giving SD extra money. If you can cover your portion of the bills, you can do what you wish with what is left of YOUR paycheck.
I just love it when the person who contributes the least, thinks that they have a say so about what the other person does with their money. I would laugh my husband out of the house if he tried to pull that crap. Which, he wouldn't, because he's not a controlling ass.
Yep... all of this. Plus,
Yep... all of this. Plus, you can't really take what her mother is kicking into the situation into account.. but it seems princess is pretty well cared for. And.. your kid did get GI bill, so that need wasn't as great.. but that doesn't mean that a kid doesn't from time to time have a need and a parent will help them. As long as you can reasonably afford it, I don't see anything wrong with writing him a check for say $500 bucks.. 100 for his shortfall and a bit extra to put into savings and buy a few groceries. Now.. to spending on princess... some of it is one time stuff relating to her graduation.. so I wouldn't be too out of sorts on that... and if CS is ending.. and if your DH can afford to put some money into her acct from HIS relative pile of money.. then fine. If you are already subsidizing his share of the bills though.. that is basically taking your money and giving it to his daughter. That would be a no from me.
I would tell him. You don't cover your share of household expenses as it is... so you don't get to tell your daughter you will pay her any monthly amount. I have been helping regarding your legally required CS obligation but that stops when she graduates... If you prefer, I will split our bills and give you any money left over back from your check.. and you can do what you want with that...buy lunch at work, pay for commute gas.. give it to your daughter. I understand you think that my kids having the GI bill means we should help her.. but that is a benefit from their father.. and has no bearing on what I can or will pay for them...or what you can or will pay for your daughter.
What she said!
What she said!
Just a thought -
My DH and I had issues with the same thing you are having with finances. We split the bills in half and deposited into a joint account which was for household expenses, only. Then we each had our own separate accounts. It worked out really well because when it was just his money he wasn't so quick to hand out all the extras because basically he was using my money to do it. If he doesn't have as much money at the end of the month it is on him and you can sympathize but it is still his kids and his problem.
If your husband isn't
If your husband isn't discussing with you what he is giving to his adult daughter, then I think you should feel free to help your adult son, with or without your husband's approval. Of course, it's much easier with, so I would probably ask for any substantial sum (not for $100 here or there). If he objects, then it's time to split finances, and explain to him exactly why.
You slept on it and your
You slept on it and your intuition and gut is telling you to help your son. Help him and don't feel any regrets! He's your child and sometimes they need assistance. The next time you speak with him, have a chat on budgeting his money. Maybe he just needs some help on managing his funds. I don't know if this is a reoccuring situation but if you have it to give, then I don't see why not. Never allow anyone to have you 2nd guess whether you should help yours out, not even your H. You work hard and make your own money, so you have a say.
I also want to say, that my
I also want to say, that my DH does not help his daughter financially because she does NOTHING to help herself (and she's 26, with 2 kids and is pregnant). But your son is working and going to school, being $100.00 short is nothing and I would give him that and buy him groceries in a heartbeat (if financially possible).
I agree! And why does SD get
I agree! And why does SD get $350 monthly?? Did CS end and he thinks she needs it to survive? Or did BM agree to this and he is still legally obligated to pay? I seriously doubt it's the latter.
This is something that DH
This is something that DH came up with. His CS obligation to her (we still have another skid) ends at 18. He is convinced since my two got help in college (not from us), that his DD should get what my kids got. We are not comparing apples to apples. My ex retired from the military and still holds a job making about 250K. DH and BM have never been good with their finances. I found out overhearing one of their conversations that they declared bankruptcy at one point. She still doesn’t pay all of the bills. She let the second mortgage foelreclose. Yes the house is still in his name. Please tell me why princess deserves $350 a month???? I know SD is jealous of my kids and it all boils down to them never saying no. Even with the 350 a month I have no clue how they are paying her tuition and boarding!!! I’ve crunched the numbers. It won’t work. Of course since child support will be less BM wants more from us..like paying half their cell phone bills (they all just went last month and finances the newest fanciest phones), car insurance, etc. I wish I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
Absolutely not to the cell
Absolutely not to the cell phones! BM chose to purchase/ lease them, so she can suck it up and be responsible for paying them. Sheesh what a money hungry family!
His kids are only entitled to
His kids are only entitled to the help that he and his EX wife can provide for them. Unless you are independently wealthy and can easily absorb this payment and feel generous... he does NOT have the right to promise YOUR money to HIS daughter. The fact that your EX was able to provide this benefit is due to the fact that HE and probably you and his kids also sacrificed for him to be in the service. I KNOW i followed my dad around the world for 18 plus years.. and so did my brother.. we definitely had to put up with a lot as an ARMY brat. We didn't have this benefit... but if my father's service could have provided this.. we definitely earned it.
His wanting YOUR money is like looking at some other family that has a kid with a scholarship.. say hey.. we need to provide similar.... no he does not. Now, it's going to be hard to walk this back if he has made this promise but he does not have the right to offer your money to his child.
Now, it would be lovely if you could afford to help her and wanted to help her.... but I would be Damned if I would have to ask permission of my DH to spend my own money if I was already subsidizing him.
Its all on you Happycamper,
Its all on you Happycamper, but I think its time you both did some re-evaluating on finances and perhaps have a joint account for bills and a separate account for personal use. Your H should not compare what your kids receive from their father against what he feels his daughter is entitled to. Its like your kids are being penalized. How about SD getting a job? Is this not a simple solution. She has to learn to support herself and be a productive person in society. This money that he's taking from you both (mainly you) could be going to savings. He's enabling this behavior and you are paying the price. I think once you separate accounts he'll see for himself and sing a different tune. If he wants to continue supporting her then he needs to work extra hours or get a 2nd job. I'll be damned if SD is getting my hard earned money and H is giving me h@ll to help mine.....
I had a similar issue. SS and
I had a similar issue. SS and DD were both in school at the time and money kept going out the door to SS. DD was working AND going to school and she asked for very little. It all came ot a head when suddenly I didn't have money for my share of DD's tuition. We separated finances and my financial life is better.
Then DH asked me for a loan for SS a short week later. HELL NO. I think my head spun all the way around that day.
You DH intends to give her $350 since he's no longer paying child support? Free money to adults is not a good thing. He might want to set aside some money each month in case she needs financial help, and at 18 she will for a while, but just handing over that much money? Nope. Unless she's super responsible with money, she'll have new clothes and money to hang out with her friends, but she won't have enough money for gas and other necessities and Daddddeeeee will need to cover that too.
Sounds like if you can't afford to help out your son that you don't have enough of a household financial cushion and THAT should be the priority.
If you are planning on
If you are planning on staying in this marriage... which I'm kind of not sure why you would? I would start keeping a log immediately, and record what gets spent on skids vs. what you spend on your kids every month. After a couple of months, take that log that will clearly show the ridiculous amounts of favoritism in black and white and show your DH and tell him from now on that you will be spending on your kids whatever he spends on his. And then shove the log up his ass.
I'm sorry, but your DH has quickly risen to the top of my most hated list. Ugh.
My SO thinks like your DH.
My SO thinks like your DH. Everything I do for my boys is expected for SD even though we pay CS for SD and he makes less so I'm basically in the same boat as you. It is infuriating to me. I finally went off on him the other day. SD's bday is coming up and SO expects to give her the exact same amount I spent on my son and already told SD that is what she is getting. I didn't throw a party for my son b/c he asked to just have money and forgo the party so he could get a little more money so that is what I did. My son's dad is incacerated so he only gets what I give him. SD on the other hand will also have BM throwing a big over the top expensive celebration with as many friends as she wants as well as gifts. I know you can't take into account what BM does but to me SO expecting me to do the same for SD is like me expecting my son to get everything that SD gets from her BM also. Oh and SO never worries about me spending the exact same amount on our mutual son. He is only ever worried about SD being "slighted" or SD missing out or getting less when she has far more than either of my kids as is and expects way more also. Ugh!
Give your son some money and if your DH has a problem with it tell him you are going to seperate accounts again and split the bills EVENLY b/c the current situation isn't fair to you and your children (did that with my SO) and magically he understood that everything can't always be tit for tat!
In your situation..you should
In your situation..you should give your BS what you want and can afford from your disposable income.. and your DH should be able to give his SD what he wants out of HIS disposable income. Your BS gets from both of you what you can afford together.... if that ends up even.. fine.. if SD gets more because her mother also has resources.. well.. that's the cards she got. I wouldn't penalize her and tell your DH he can't give her what he wants from his own money just because her mom is also helping her. I know it is probably hard due to the situation with the incarcerated EX.. but honestly.. that isn't your DH's fault and not yours or SD's either... so all your DH can do is sit from his own point of view and help his bio kids as he sees fit and let you do the same with yours.
ESMOD, I agree with your
ESMOD, I agree with your viewpoint entirely, if I did that though he wouldn't have any money to spend on SD. That was my point. If it weren't for me SD wouldn't have a lot of extras with her dad that she does now. SO wouldn't have a disposable income if my money wasn't in the pot as well. SO and I have a bio kid together and he doesn't worry about everything being tit for tat for him. I get upset that SO thinks just b/c I do something for my BS his SD should get the same when he makes 1/2 of what I make and pays CS on top of that.
I think you and your SO need
I think you and your SO need to have a serious discussion about finances. He may not fully realize that he is as "broke" as he is since he has been just throwing his whole check to you to sort out. It's time to show him a breakdown of your monthly outlays... along with your relative contributions from income. Show him his column and show hiim your column and how your side is actually paying for some of the things HE should be paying.
Explain to him simply that you have not minded helping him with court ordered requirements and you have been understanding with some one time items like graduation gifts or cakes but that you are not willing to subsidize regular payments to his daughter. Once the kids are of age... assistance will be occasional and considered on an as needed basis. You don't feel obligated to make up for the fact that he and his EX didn't plan for his daughter's education and unfortunately.. (point to your worksheet)... he is still unable to do so...and you are not inclined to assist her to that extent. period.
Of course since child support
Of course since child support will be less BM wants more from us..like paying half their cell phone bills (they all just went last month and finances the newest fanciest phones), car insurance, etc.
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Happycamper...You do realize that it is unlikely a Judge would order your dh to pay for cell phones, right? AND unlikely he would order your dh to pay for car insurance.
STOP paying it or stop coving dh portion of the bills because he has decided to pay for BM wishes and he is short.
Just the other day Camper, I wrote about a bff of mine who took her exhusband back to court. SHE wanted the Judge to order him to pay for cell phones, car AND car insurance, college and uncovered medical.
She is a great mom. BUT the Judge only ordered dad to pay his portion of uncovere medical.
If you want to help your son...help him. Be careful though...I know you say he is a great kid. There are so many college kids who go thru their student loan money and then they are broke. It is important to get to the bottom of stuff and not assume it's on the up and up.
I doubt she would be stupid
I doubt she would be stupid enough to take ya to court because she is in contempt of the divorce decree. It said she was to take over all household costs and put them in her name. She hasn’t done either and she’s wrecked DH’a credit. She just refuses to sell the house or refinance. Well she can’t refinance because her credit is crap. Now she tells the skids dad is making them move...no she hasn’t even put a for sale sign up. She keeps begging for more time. I am cautious with my son too. I slept on it trying to figure it out. I went into his account and didn’t see any crazy expenditures. I guess what was tugging on my heart is that he hasn’t asked me for a dime in over a year and then it was only like $20.
A one time help of a few
A one time help of a few hundred dollars when he is 100 bucks short? That is pretty minimal... Unless you start getting monthly calls to make up a difference, I would happily send him a check.. shoot.. probably would do $200 because that would help him meet his gap and then give him enough to get by with gas and grocery expenses. Subsequent requests can be handled on their own merit.
Look, kids will get in a scrape occasionally as they learn to manage money. if a parent can smooth that out a little I don't see a problem with it as long as the requests are only occasional and for reasonably good reasons. (oh and they can afford it.)
I would give him the 200.00
I would give him the 200.00 also as a gift. IF there is a next time tell him, sure I will loan you the money but we will have a simple contract to repay the money back.
$20.00 a month until it is paid off
Ok well maybe that payment a month is too low...but hey, I am a softy. But I do expect accountability even when that bar is low.
How is he planning for retirement
How is he planning for retirement? You can't take loans out for that. He's an idiot and your will have a very bleak retirement yourself as long as you stay hitched financially to him and his poor money management style. He made some very poor choices early on in his life and never learned from them it sounds like. Your credit report is tied up with his and she has trashed it. How is that cramping you? Seperate everything now. Write your will so that not one penny of your money goes to his folly.
I was actually thinking of
I was actually thinking of this today with all of this. I have my DH as my primary beneficiary on everything and my kids as secondary. I do wonder how much would he help my kids if I died first. Would all of my savings go to the skids? What do you guys do? Is everything in your kids names?
Fair is fair. Your ex gave
Fair is fair. Your ex gave BS money from his GI bill and now your DH wants his daughter, your SD, to have the same. No problem his ex, the girl's BM, can supply it. Your ex gave to your BS. His ex gives to his daughter, your SD. And SD gets the same amount each month you sent to BS.
I'd separate my finances so fast. That may be the only way to get him to wake up. By you taking care of finances you allow him to deny the reality of his financial situation.