You are not selfish; HE is. The two people who need to support his kids are him and his ex. Heck, the only two people who should be supporting his DD is his DD and her DH!

$2k a MONTH? Sure, let him pay that, but ONLY HIM. My only suggestion to save your marriage, if you even want to, is to separate your money. Split your housing costs equally and then he can use his leftover money however he wishes.  However, SOME of his money (as well as yours) should be going into retirement, a joint savings account for your household emergencies, and a joint account for a house. If he can't manage his responsiblities to YOU and YOUR LIFE TOGETHER FIRST, then he isn't worth another minute of your time.

You are not a slave to him. You don't have to do what he says all because he says it. You are an adult. You have the authority and right to say NO. Right now, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So, split your finances. If he says that will end your marriage, tell him to not let the door 'em where the Good Lord split 'em.

This is a marriage-ending issue, and no matter what he or anyone else says, it won't be your fault when it ends.

Best of luck! 

I agree with Lieutenant dad, separate finances but also have a post-nup agreement execute because when he does not have the funds to filter to his kids  he might extend credit to continue their lifestyle and if you end up leaving later you could end up be responsible for half that debt in a divorce. 

Ditch this loser/user and do not look back. He is jus using you for your money. 

Welcome to our step doormat dadeeee world kind lady.  Most of us jumped in this mess never realizing what was to come years down the road or the misery we would endure forever-- just to love a man; it never stops if you have a weakling man like many of us.  Even when it improves, it is still an unhealthy place to live.  There are a lot of wonderfully gracious women on this site, living with men,  who  believe their primary role in life is to serve his/her selfish, rude, jealous kids; which he/she worked very hard to create, never parenting them. By adulthood their masterpiece is fully created, and let's just say it is anything but a work of art. More like a piece of work!

You have no choice but to disengage. You have to protect your own emotional health and removing yourself from the sickness is your only choice. You did not create this mess and you cannot ever fix it.  It is not your fault. Just stop trying and focus energy only on the people who love you back.  That includes DH.  If he does not allow you the freedown to stay away from his genetic sickness, stay away or get away from that idiot as well.  DH is no parent and will not parent, and, with regards to his kid, a dismissal failure to his wife too.  HE should live with the fallout, not you.

It sounds as if the marriage was challenged from the start and you've been limping along hoping for improvement. That doesn't give you much to build on.

When we first married, my husband supported his adult brother who didn't work. This guy drained his mother and other relatives -- his mom actually had to file bankruptcy and move in with relatives because she was supporting her 48-year-old son who didn't work. I saw my husband's checks going to him -- several thousand dollars each time. I put my foot down. I reasoned with him: when you stop supporting him, he will get a job. And that's exactly what happened -- for a while. A wealthy relative died and left a pot of money after working hard her whole life -- now money comes from there to support all the leeches in his family (there are quite a few), but at least it's not coming out of our household budget. The first time I find out he's sending any of them money again, there will be hell to pay.

This is all you can do -- demand it stop. If that doesn't work, you must decide if you can live with it. I don't think I could, but then again, my own fortunes (career wise) have not left me in a good situation. So now I just hope and pray he doesn't fall into the family pattern of giving to takers.

You have time to setup your financial affairs so you're in a good place to go if you decide you must. Maybe in that time something will give and he'll see the light. But don't exit without being on good financial footing. It's probably best you didn't get another house.

He doesn't need your money, but he has nothing set aside for retirement? So who is going to support him? Social security and your 401K? Hell no. 

So you, his partner, don't get your house, but his kids are doing fine, thank you. That would be my hill to die on.

Find a time when you can do this without much emotion -- tell him what you need (savings for a house and retirement, and whatever else you need for your own piece of mind and financial security). It's not negotiable, and if he'd rather make sure his entitled kids are secure, but you are not, then it's time to walk away from the relationship. If he gets mad because you are telling him what you need, then he's not a good partner anyway.

My X refused to discuss his retirement plans with me- he had always indulged his kids and hated me questioning the way he allowed himself to be disrepected by them. Now I have left I do a lot of wondering what if, and I am wondering if he had planned all along to give his retirement package to his kids. It is the sort of thing he would do. I will certainly not get any of it, though I would if we were still together. These men are of a type- they resent being questioned on anything they do for their adult kids, they ignore the reality of their kids using them and treating them with disrespect, they do not accept that their kids are adults and no longer need their support. It is as if their whole identity depends on them providing for their offspring, even to their own detriment.

Now, I have to work for the next five years until my full pension kicks in- but I am spared the inevitable realisation that he was going to indulge his kids instead of spending his retirement doing fun things with me...life teaches you very hard lessons sometimes.

Let us know how you're getting on.

I think he wants you to continue to work so he can have his present lifestyle and continue to support his womanchild and manchild and the leech-in-law (aka SIL).

A few things are my Die-on Hill. This is one of them. I would secure my money and make sure he cannot access it. Then make a 5 yr plan for myself so I can buy my own home. Then after my plan is initiated I would tell him i cannot live with him while he siphons off his money for his golden years to his children. There is nothing attractive in a man who will not allow his children to grow up or allow their father to be happy with a new partner. It is selfish and he is feeding into this behaviour by throwing money at them every time they bark. So in effect he is rewarding them for being rude to you. For 6 mths you will move out.  You will remain his wife and be faithful but you want to own your own home and living like this will not work. In that time you will arrange marriage counselling and if he is sincere in remaining married he will attend with you and work at being a better team than remaining divided while he supports everyone else except himself and his wife.

If in 6 mths nothing has changed, you have your answer. I just wonder is this a cultural issue? Him supporting his kids until they are 50?