VACATION NEVER AGAIN
So vacation was awful, SD13 was a brat. I am not even going into to much detail because if I do itll put me in a bad mood haha!!! She was happy with nothing, if we didn't do what she wanted when she wanted she lock her self in her room. And she didn't talk to DH for around 2-3 days.
Any ways we are back and school starts next week. BM is already hitting us up for school clothes for SD13, and supplies. DH buys summer clothes, schools clothes, and then again winter clothes and spring clothes. He takes her shopping (around $300.00+ a trip) every season. (and of couse about once a weekend I buy her clothes, or something its not like we do not do anything extra for her, I treat and send on her just like I would if it was my own kid.) DH told her not this year, we would buy the school supplies but she needs to cover the clothes. BM has not taken she school shopping ever.
Now BM is mad because thats not fair, and he can't just not help SD with clothes.
DH and me talked about it last night, I told him do what he feels like he should. He has really good reasons he is not taking her school shopping.
1st off BM does nothing extra for SD, DH pays schools fees, school lunches, if she needs new shoes, everything extra he does. BM pays all the bills at her house but SD sleeps on the couch and doesnt even have her own room. Of couse she buys her food at home, but most weekends we send SD home with food and cash. Its like BM covers her own living cost, and that is what child support is for. She does not even have insurance on her. I will admit she does pay for SD mins on her phone some months, but most months we end up paying for them since BM lets it run out.
2nd SD never ever says thank you, of course she doesn't have to her parents (it would be nice but let that one slide). The other day my mom gave her some cash for vacation she sticks it in her pocket and walks off. I told her to come back and say thank you she just rolled her eyes and kept walking. ( I took the money away from her and said NVM, if she didnt want to thank her my mom would keep it.)
3rd DH told SD she was starting to have chores at the house, (clean her own room, clean the dishes she uses, and thats it). She refuses to do any of them its a huge fight. She has not work ethic everything should be handed to her.
I see why DH doesn't want to take her shopping, she has clothes she can wear she wont be totally at a loss for them. She just will not have anything new. Is he awful for saying no. He said he is cutting back on extras until she straightens up and learns respect. He will give her what she NEEDS but the wants are done for awhile.
In a way I am happy but then again I am thinking she is what her enviroment made her, when does that excuse run out?
Yeah... you guys need to hold
Yeah... you guys need to hold BM to school clothes. Plus, if you got her summer stuff, she is good for a while. There is no law that says for the 1st two weeks of school, all clothing worn must be new with tags and never before worn.
Agreed, BM acts like we
Agreed, BM acts like we should cover it just becuase she lives with her most of the time. I still feel bad about it but I honeslty think I would feel worse if he did buy her clothes.
Oh man, this is really
Oh man, this is really similar to our sitch, except SD9 isn't such a brat. I can't believe she is 13 and doesn't already have chores! Yeah unfortunately I think it's easier to start that younger. SD9 and SS12 have had chores for a few years now (since I've been in the picture). Good for you for taking the money back when she couldn't even say thank you! What a spoiled brat!
And no, no new clothes until she starts doing her chores and learning manners. Why should she be rewarded, when she already has clothes she can wear? I bet the prospect of no new clothes unless she does A and B might make her rethink things. Sometimes I feel so lucky with my SD, but scared of what may happen. We took skids to the County fair the other night and when we told them what we were doing, SD got super and excited and said, "Really? Thank you! This is the best wknd ever!". She almost always thanks us for taking them places and buying her things. It is so refreshing after hearing what others go through!
Btw, we buy all the school clothes and shoes also, and last year we bought all the school supplies as well. BM bought backpacks. BACKPACKS. Even though we have majority custody and SO has to pay her child support. It's unbelievable. I feel your pain.
Its hard to buy everything (
Its hard to buy everything ( I even put a ton money into SD of my own becuase I care.) and BM do nothing at all. It drives me nuts. We just got our own house last year so its a new thing. I honestly growing up didnt have chores ( i was spoiled lol) but we still helped out. It wasnt excpected but we still stepped up and did it. Maybe it was chores that we were never asked to do. At this age it wont happen. I close her door and let her live in her mess out of sight out of mind for me.
Honestly... Child support
Honestly... Child support should cover clothing... I can maybe see helping when needed, but it sounds like your dh buys ALL of the clothes and EVERYTHING besides food and kindof housing.
I said "kindof housing" because wtf she doesnt have a bedroom/bed?!? If SD does not have a bedroom of her own (or even shared with a sinling) and has to sleep on the couch why doesn't your dh have custody?
here its hard to get custody,
here its hard to get custody, we have tried. I think unless she is in danger or has been hurt they do not care.
At this point if we take custody it would make everyones life alot worse. Isnt that awful to say. SD is set in her ways. BM is set in her ways. And we are too.
I think your DH is doing SD a
I think your DH is doing SD a favor by refusing to buy her new school clothes if she's not going to pull her weight around the house. Raising her to be spoiled and entitled is doing her a disservice. He can't help what goes on at BM's house, but he can certainly make sure that he's not enabling her lazy, entitled ways. I agree with him - cover the wants, not the needs, until she learns to behave decently.
A lot of us refused to either
A lot of us refused to either be in public, in a restaurant or on vacation with skids for varying amounts of time due to lack of parenting. Don't be afraid to say "no" for yourself.
I didn't go to a restaurant with them for a good year, maybe just over a year (?). I went on one vacation with them when SDs were 8 and 10 and didn't do that again for another year. I refused to go, point blank, when they were 9 and 11 because it was just a sh*t show.
I still limit how often we go with SDs somewhere. Well, just SD12 at this point - who is actually pretty good to be around for the most part. I have some rules: DH must help with the planning and if he doesn't we don't go anywhere (happened last year); DH must pay for minimum HALF the expenses IF I agree to pay half in the first place; we eat where DH and I want to eat, no catering to picky eating; SD can pick out something she wants to do one day if it's a multiple day vacation; if SD doesn't want to do anything, adults do not just wait for any mood to change - leave them in the room if they are old enough and go do your thing, however, if anything really bad happens, pick up and leave for home and DH foots any cancellation costs; i.e. do not fly anywhere unless you are certain skid will be at least marginally ok to be around; no expensive vacation extravaganzas.
AND you send SD with food and
AND you send SD with food and cash? Yeah, screw BM. THAT is what CS is for and SD needs to shape up.
Your H is right in not
Your H is right in not enabling her behavior by continuing to reward her with cash, clothes, etc. She has to learn that there are consequences when she breaks the rules in your house. She has all the necessities so she'll be fine. If her BM wants her to have new clothes so badly let her go and buy them. Your H seems to do a lot and SD is very ungrateful. I'm glad you took the money back that your mother was going to give her. You have to set the tone now, she's only getting older.
Remain consistent so SD knows that this is not a game.