What do I do now?
Hi, first time on this forum but loving that I'm reading similar stories.
I moved from one country to another, leaving behind my BD19 and BS20. They had both moved out of home and were positive about my relationship with my fiance.
I entered into a relationship 1.5 years prior to moving and we did the long distance thing which was great but stressful. We got engaged in one of his visits and he brought his sons over to stay with us, so we could see how we all got along.
One son is 12, independant and great, one son is 10, the favourite, close to my fiance and lies constantly.
I'm lucky in that he puts his kids in their place when they're misbehaving, so that's good, but I dont feel close to his boys at all.
I moved over five months ago and he has shared care with the ex, one week on, one week off.
I soon discovered that when the kids were with us his full focus was on them, the youngest in particular. I felt uneasy around them, kind of like an intruder and started feeling upset when our week together was ending and they were arriving.
We planned our wedding initially to be back home (we are both from the same country) with family and friends, then this was cancelled because of costs, we are also building a new home.
So we decided to get the children all together for our secret wedding in April next year. We were combining it with a holiday too.
As time started getting closer, we decided to bring it forward to January as we were combing birthdays of fiance, SS and BS as well.
We are five months till the wedding and I've planned everything.
The problem is that he has only given his ex the divorce papers and turned around to tell me that he doesnt want to pressure her into it and that worse comes to worse lets just make it a holiday because his sons will love that anyway. Meaning we'll cancel the wedding.
I'm devastated.
Ever since (three days now) he's focused on his boys, what he can do for them, if we could move to a different area, whem can a child choose where they want to live.
I have told him how hurt I am that he can cancel our wedding like it's nothing and then make out like its still okay as we will have a holiday anyway. He doesn't understand why I'm still upset every day.
Last night he said that we should take the boys to another city that he wants to move to, just so he can see if they like it. He said wouldn't it be great to do it at the end of our holiday? I burst into tears because to me it was about getting married, not a fun holiday for his sons.
I live in a small town (moved from a big city), have no friends here, feel like I've been pushed to the background along with the wedding.
I feel like everything is about what the boys wants, what their needs are.
I told him if we ever get permission from his ex to take the boys to another city permanently then he has to understand that they go to their mother every holiday, no exceptions and that it's not all about them, that I want date nights etc. He assured me that is what he would do, but every week we have them it's all about them.
Am I jealous? Or just Crazy to feel like I'm sitting on some step parent shelf overlooking my life?
I look at them and feel like they have taken away my happiness, which is so bad.
I feel like leaving and getting some space, I feel engulfed in grief that something I wanted has now gone.
Pack your stuff
go home.
You’re second in priority.
You’re second in priority. Leave him.
I agree that it's time to at
I agree that it's time to at least think seriously about going home. This man is not available - he's still married. If it's not important to him to push to get a divorce, he's not worth wasting your time on.
I was doing the long distance
I was doing the long distance thing too and was supposed to move to usa next month to get married.
I called it off too because his daughter was more important than me, my feelings, our relationship, our wedding etc-
I just couldn't give my life away to his kid, him and ex wife.
Im sorry you're going through this, I feel your pain because the same thing was happening to me- I know exactly what you're going through xoxo
This is the problem with
This is the problem with living together before getting married. To you, marriage is important. To him, what's the big deal about getting married? You're already living together.
Take that one step further: you're living with a married man. I know, I know he probably told you "it's over with her," and all that stuff, but it is not over with her, and he does not want to push her to end it in time for your wedding. This is not a good sign.
I think you did things in the wrong order and now you're stuck with no power to get what you want.
But forget about the wedding for a minute. Think about this: you thought you wanted to be married and living forever with him, but now that is not looking so great. You are already unhappy about the dynamic of the relationship when his kids are there, which is HALF the time you are with him!!!
So imagine you get married in January. You're still going to hate weeks with his kids, which is HALF your marriage. WHY DO YOU STILL WANT TO GET MARRIED TO HIM????
I know you feel terrible right now. But stop thinking about the wedding and start looking at whether you are actually happy with him and his kids...because this is how the rest of your life will be if you marry him.
This is not the guy for you. When that wedding is over, you will be right where you are now dreading weeks with his kids. Who wants to dread every other week for the rest of your life?
You can do better. Don't mention the wedding anymore and start planning your exit. There's a great man out there for you, but you're not engaged to him yet.
I actually would say it's
I actually would say it's good that they lived together first...otherwise, I envision the wedding, and then realizing exactly what it's like living with a man who puts her second when the kids are there, except now it's too late and she is either stuck, or looking at a divorce.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it is such a hard spot to be in! Deciding what is too much for you to handle, and when to cut and run. He shouldn't have proposed if he wasn't going to follow through on it...
^^^^^^^^^^Marblefawn is on
^^^^^^^^^^Marblefawn is on point with this!
If this is how your lives
If this is how your lives together is starting out, then it's going to be all downhill from here. As painful as it might be, you should probably cash in your chips and go back home.
You need to go home and thank
You need to go home and thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him.
You dodge a bullet by not
You dodge a bullet by not marrying him. Dig deep and really think about what all the posters have said. The fact that you have one shred of a doubt means you shouldn't do it. Listen to your instinct and DO NOT sign up for a life of unhappiness. You will regret it!
EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!
This guy hasn't made YOU or YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER his most important priority. Jeez, he even made his ex a higher priority by not pressuring her to sign some documents, but he'll pressure you by taking advantage of you for some holiday time that was to be as elaborate as a wedding?
Hmm. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
I have also felt like the "guy in the sidecar." The "special guest on her show." I've been marginalized and my feelings have been trivialized - and now she (spends money VERY foolishly) is leaning on me financially.
Trust me, HANDLE this situation, or it will handle you!
Guilty parenting....the
Guilty parenting....the biggest red flag of them all. Can you live with being second? If not then be glad he can't settle on a wedding date and DON'T marry him.
Run fly swim back home....ASAP
He is still married...he wants to still be married....if he divorces his kids will still come first/ only
Thank your lucky stars you are not already married!
I feel very sorry for you
It is terrible that he can so casually abandon your planned wedding with a simple shoulder shrug and make out it will all be ok because it will be an awesome holiday for his kids. As others have said, the whole 'not pressuring his ex to get divorced' is just ridiculous especially when you had a wedding PLANNED.
These things are not good omens for any future marriage or life with this man and because you moved to his country and your connections to the area are few and far between, he has you boxed into a corner.
Better to leave now given he shows you such disregard rather than hang in there and hope it will change.
It wont.
Just remember what you are
Just remember what you are experiencing at this moment; welcome to step life. It's ugly.
I suggest you move on and cut your expenses. Get a job, an apartment, etc. You are stuck in a different Country and no friends; you are able to find a solution, if you truly want out of this mess.
The facts are raw. But they are the facts and only "you" can solve your problems. I have been thru hell in my life in many ways. I have always moved forward, NOT EASY! Nobody understands the hurt like you do. I'm sorry for you, I get it.
Stay here for support. (((hugs))))