Slap some sense into me

So, I know I felt this way during my last pregnancy. I have a steptalk blog entry to prove it. Apparently about three months before my due date, I wrote a blog entry about fantasizing about leaving my husband. Well, I'm getting those feelings again and I'm about 4 months before my due date.

My husband and I have lots of issues with SS14 and I occasionally fleetingly think about leaving him so I don't have to deal with it, but these days, I go into these full on fantasies. Like, I'm in my head and trying to figure out how to approach him with the separation and custody arrangement. I'm determining how long to stay at home with an infant and pre-schooler before looking for a job and how long my job search (for a near equitable job I had before becoming a SAHM) will take and how much I need in monthly child support/daycare to make that happen.

A lot of this is stemming from the fact that recently I feel like a single mother, rather than a SAHM. But, I feel like maybe my complaints aren't really substantial compared to some SAHMs I know. Some of them have partners that regularly travel so they spend more time than I do taking care of little kids alone (and at this point I only have one).

So...maybe...I just need someone to slap some sense into me. DH started taking SS14 to a new psychologist and psychiatrist, which coincided with the start of high school and since the summer SS has been in a school activity that requires a lot of driving back and forth from school. None of the frustrations I've had before being pregnant have really changed. DH still chauffeurs around his kid even though SS's peers walk back and forth to school. DH still does all the school-related and medical-related stuff instead of BM.

The difference is that there are new frustrations and I don't know if they are temporary or permanent.I don't know if the psychologist recommended this or if DH thought it up himself, but he has decided that he needs to oversee SS's entire day. DH wakes him up, makes sure he has done all of his morning rituals and he has every thing for school before leaving for work, then after school he drives SS home, takes all his screens, oversees his homework, and oversees the rest of his evening (with the exception of screen time), then he takes all of the screens, makes sure he showers and does all of his night time rituals before bed. I understand doing all this for an elementary school student, but this kid is in high school!

I think this has a lot to do with the psychologist telling him that SS is mentally about 8 or 9, which I don't believe is true. I confronted DH about all of this and told him that he is spending all of his time and energy on a high schooler and none on his toddler. He responded back that we need SS to be an independent adult at 18 if we wanted him out of the house. I told him that overseeing his entire day is not going to make him independent, and asked him to clarify whether overseeing SS was temporary (so he's figure it out himself) or permanent. To which DH responded, "I don't know. I need to ask the psychologist."

DH has no confidence in his own parenting and I'm sick of getting involved. But, ok, these new changes have only been going on for two weeks, so should I just suck it up and feel like a single mother for a few months and try not to have some fantasy about being on my own. I know these are my decisions to make. I just need to let it out and get some advice from people who might not be as hormonal as I am right now.

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My question would be, what

My question would be, what else does your DH need to do to make you happy? It sounds like SS is in mental health care. It sounds like DH, SS, and the doc have a plan of action. It sounds like DH is implementing that plan so that SS leaves at 18.

If your own mutual child struggled, would you expect DH to put in this much effort? My guess is you would be equally annoyed if your mutual child needed this level of help, but your DH was only half arsing it.

What you need is clarification, but that requires engaging. Are you ready to engage? Are you ready to ask all these questions? Or do you trust your DH to do what he needs to do?

This is going to be blunt, but why on Earth did you two decide to have another child when you felt your DH's parenting was lackluster before and issues with SS14 were still just as bad? Don't punish your DH for doing what he has to to keep SS out of your hair and out of the house by 18.

There May be more to this from previous blogs that I haven't read or don't remember, but you're either hormonal or made a mistake in getting pregnant again when you knew you needed/wanted to leave after the first. Being a SAHM means you are going to do the bulk of the parenting. That is your job. Your DH is going to be far less involved, especially if SS has issues. I think it is reasonable to figure out what the long-term plan is, work with DH on a schedule that doesn't exclude the other kids, etc. If you don't think it is worth it, then leave.

But let me tell you something - I find it icky and a bit conniving to have two kids with a man and plot out how much support he'll give me so you can stay home until you find a similarly-paying job as you had before you were a SAHM. If you want to leave, do it on your own dime. Don't leave, take your two kids, and your STBXH's money until you can "restart". That makes you one of the GUBMs that gets complained about on here.

I could take some of the

I could take some of the comments to me, but the one that really offends me is that I, as a SAHM, need to watch my child 24/7. If I was working, DH and I should be sharing DS duties when we get home. It should not all fall on me. Plus, it's not icky or conniving for DH to pay child support while I look for a job. I had a well-paying job before DH and I decided that I should stay at home with DS. I was the one who paid for the house that everyone lives in. I was the one who shunted my career by staying home. And I'm happy I did it. But, yes, if DH and I separate, then I need to find employment. I'm not one of those people that mooch. But, I have security clearances to get if I go back to work and finding a comparable job in my field will take time. That should not be on me alone. If my DH wants to pay no child support in the future, it would be best for him to support me so I can find a good job for myself (I am a capable person). That's called fair.

I do appreciate the first three paragraphs though. It does make me think about things that I haven't thought about.

Yeah, I don't believe your

Yeah, I don't believe your thoughts/fantasies of leaving makes you a GUBM. It just means you have seriously though about leaving. I've thought about it. My skids are nightmares and my toddler is precious and my biggest obligation.

I'm a SAHM. I went from being our main breadwinner to changing dirty diapers. Before we decided to have a child together, I relocated with my dh to be closer to nightmare skids, which hamstrung my career. I sacrificed a lot and worked two jobs to put my DH through college. You bet your ass when I've thought about leaving, that I've thought about what a FAIR division of assets and CS would look like. Shit, I've even thought that I deserved some alimony if we split because putting him through college has quadrupled his income.

But I stay so my fantasies are just that. Even though im a SAHM, my DH does help. He gives the tot a bath and puts him to bed every other night. He encourages me to go out with my girlfriends once a week or so and he watches our son. DH plays with him every day. He changes diapers and feeds him dinner. If he didn't do all of these things and wasn't such a great daddy to our kid, those fantasies would be on paper at an attorney's office.

Thank you for this. I do have

Thank you for this. I do have a tendency to look at the negatives and not focus on what DH does for me. When he is home and not dealing with SS, he does DS's bath and we do nighttime routine together. He loads dishes at night. He goes to almost all of DS's dr's appointments and cuddles him after his shots. I should try and think about these things more.

Let me rephrase:

If You leave, yes, DH should pay his share of CS. However, my point was don't leave expecting him to carry you until you find a job. If you want to leave and take the kids, then you need to have a job and income BEFORE that. You are in a crap situation, not a dangerous one. You can stay and develop your exit strategy in relative safety and comfort.

What WOULD make it icky and conniving would be to leave tomorrow and expect DH to pick up the financial slack while you figure it out. THAT would not be okay. THAT would make you a GUBM.

If your DH isn't being equitable and giving you a break while he himself is taking breaks, or if he is neglecting his own relationship with your mutual child because of SS, then yes, that is a problem. But if he is working FT and then coming home to parent FT with no break, then I'm not sure what you're expecting from him. Respite care to help with SS? Him hiring a babysitter so you two get date nights (that one is reasonable)? Hiring a babysitter for SS so he can spend one on one time with your other child (soon to be kids)? I'm not getting the impression that he is leaving you to parent while he goes off and does his own thing. It sounds like your DH is working 24/7, too, split between SS and his FT job.

Does it suck? Absolutely. This is a struggle that any family with a higher-needs child faces. The added layer here is the blended family dynamic with what I am assuming is you being disengaged. You have no information to determine if this is long-term or temporary, and the only way to know is to re-engage.

So, do you re-engage? Do you find out what you need to know? Do you try to help DH in some way that allows him time with his other child (I'm under the impression that you won't take SS14 anywhere, leaving all his care on DH)? Or do you go back to work and plan to leave? If you leave, then your kids face a blended family of their own and possibly less time with Dad than what they get now.

All of it sucks. It's all going to hurt and you'll have to make painful decisions no matter which way you decide to go. Is it worth staying home and being a "single mom" to your kids while your DH figures this out over the next 4-6 years, or is it worth ACTUALLY being a single mom to your kids? Those, unfortunately it sounds like, your two options. So which sounds more appealing?

You said you wanted someone to slap some sense into you. Unfortunately, the sense to be slapped isnt fun, nice, or pretty.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do think that DH is neglecting his relationship with DS3 and me in order to deal with SS14. If it's temporary, I'm ok with it. But, you are right, I am disengaged, with the ocassional reengagement that slaps me in the face, so I try really hard not to reengage. I didn't even know that there was respite care, so thank you for that. I think maybe getting SS some additional care might be a good idea and give DH a break. I didn't think about how stressful this was on DH until reading all of the comments.

Buuuttt, I'm still going to disagree with DH not having to pay CS while I job search. I won't be able to go to interviews or build my portfolio with an infant and pre-schooler hanging on me. Even if we stayed together while I job searched, I'd still need daycare for the kids, so yes, DH would essentially have to pay for that, especially since I would watching the little ones all the time - day, evening, and night. I'd have no time without a daycare option. So, I still think it's on DH as the only current provider to help me, since I stopped working due to a decision that we both made.

A couple of suggestions:

- Can you find contract work? Or volunteer work that would keep your skills fresh and allow the kids to tag along? Anything to freshen up your skills and keep you "current".

- Can you enroll the kids in a preschool? Or at least the oldest so you'll only have baby to deal with a few hours during the day? You may be able to find a co-op preschool where you would be actively involved (which could translate into work skills) and the kid (eventually kids) would get some play time away from you.

- If you can manage to briefly re-engage, offer one night a week that you'll take care of SS. Take him to his practices and read a book while he is there. Order dinner. Let SS use his tablet or whatever. Basically, one night of limited routine coordinated by you while your child spends time with DH. You aren't doing it for DH - you're doing it for your child(ren).

- Find a respite service. The psych should be able to help with that. If not, your local mental health agency should have a list/suggestions. Again, this isn't for your DH - it's for your kids.

- Brainstorm one thing you can do with/for SS each night that gives your DH time with his other kids. It doesn't have to be anything lengthy or intensive - maybe it's just sitting with him while he does homework. Take the time to read a book or just sit. Even it's only 15 minutes, that's 15 minutes your kid(s) gets with Dad.

I think re-engaging just a touch - something very surface-level - would do wonders for your DH, and if it something surface-level, you can go autopilot with it. Plus, it will break up the routine a bit, which may revive both you and DH a little. Take all that mental power you have put into fantasies and figure out how to make it work to your advantage. If You can calculate how much CS it would take for you to do this on your own, then I know you can figure out how to make a contract position or volunteer work into your schedule.

Hahaha! You're right. I'm

Hahaha! You're right. I'm spending a lot of my mental resources on being frustrated and fantasizing. I was spending it on trying to "fix" SS's issues by reengaging, but that was causing a lot of frustration as well. If I used all that energy on things that are more productive, I'd be better off.

Thanks for all the suggestions. They are really helpful. And, I should look at it from the perspective of helping my children rather than helping DH.

Obviously you've never

Obviously you've never considered what life would look like if you left and had to build a family by yourself lieutenant_dad .

I know exactly what OP is doing with this fantasy. So no judgement there New to this.

I think that you are at the hopeless stage, feeling dump on and tired of being the only one focusing on your little one and worried that you won't get any help when the baby comes. How could you expect any help from DH when his total focus is on SS? I do hope there is a plan to wean SS off the total helicopter mode DH is in. SS will learn nothing about self sufficiency until he tries it and fails and tries again and find success.

Since you see this pattern with both of your pregnacies, I wouldn't make any plans to leave but use this as a starting point to have a serious conversation with DH about your fantasy and how he plans to balance his children so that they all grow up knowing him and not just SS. Don't let him off the hook because BM isn't involved, (you didn't mention her) He also has the responsibilty as a father to role model father behavior and believe me the kids are watching him do this. Is he happy with his performance in that area?

Be glad that he is taking care of SS and isn't dumping it on you. That is a good thing. Can you go to the psycholgist appointment with DH and discuss as a group, the plan and how its currently affecting your home with the other child and the end goal for SS? I wonder if the psychologist knew that DH was ignoring his other child, they might able to help DH handle all the pressure he is under and find a better balance with it all.

I did think about talking to

I did think about talking to the psychologist, but I was trying to avoid getting reengaged with SS issues. I was hoping that my telling DH how I felt and what was going on from my perspective was enough to get him to talk to the psychologist. I know SS had an appointment a few days ago, so I'll reengage and see what's going on, but, yeah, I was really trying to avoid getting back into all of it.

I didn't think about how stressed DH is and he knows that I'm an unhappy pregnant lady, so I'm sure he's even more stressed. I want to give him a break, but I need one too. And, you're right. I'm really worried about how much time he's going to put into the new baby and my feelings about that, since I had a similar issue with DH when DS was an infant. And, that time, I actually told DH that I wanted to leave him, so he made more time with DS and me. I think that resulted in SS feeling neglected, then telling us about suicidal ideations, and then telling us he wanted to go to a mental hospital for a week. SS really is a special needs child. I think I try and tell myself that he's not and he's faking all of it...but maybe I just don't want to know that I'll never truly be free from him if I stay with DH.

I'm glad that DH is taking care of SS stuff and I'm not even though I'm the one who stays at home. Yes, I should try and focus on the end goal for all the kids and take care of myself while doing that. It's a hard balance and I know it's a harder balance for DH.

You don't have to focus on SS

You don't have to focus on SS when yout talk to the psycologist, but you can talk about Dh and his stuggles with balancing it all and that you are concerned about the end goal. You can still keep your disengagement but support and insist on support from DH. I found that left alone with the therapist, DH left out much of the story, leaving the therapist unable to fully help my DH get better. When I went every so often and completed the picture, the therapist was able to hold him accountable and was on to DH's tendency to downplay important elements.

DO you Really Think

Any of this is going to change. Your SS is really sick, and that is not going to change. Do you think the one who can not used a bathrooom, can be on his own ? Do You think your DH will stop Mothering his kid. He will be wiping that kid a** at 30. Supporting him until he can not do it any more. Who is going to let SS like in there apartment for any length of time. If DH is not spending any time with DS 3. When is he going to do it. DS will have Any bonds with DH.

If you should move on, ? only you can answer that question. But you are not going to have a really family with DH because He in messed with your SS. The other thing ADHA medication stops the kid from performing sexually. So they stop taking the medication. They don’t need it !!!!! That when all hell breaks loose. You are going to be taking care of SS for the rest of your life..

SS should be on Social Securty and Medicare he is disabled.

Is DH willing to put him a

Is DH willing to put him a group home situation when he is an adult? I know a few people who have their special need kids in their young 20's in group homes. Its been a great thing for both the kid and the parent. Not all parents sacrifice their lives to this. Some are grounded in reality that someday they will die and hope to leave thier kid in a situation where they will thrive within their limits.

Ok, I will :)

That grass is not greener- even if you think your dh now neglects the toddler-he has a lifetime to get better at it-not to mention MANY fathers can be hands off w/little ones and then get more involved as they get older. Don't think for one second that another man will help you ANY more w/YOUR kids-or love them as his father does. Seeing what you see about him and how he does do for SS is an indication that he is a good father.

You don't mention abuse, infidelity, addictions....so your fantasy should remain that. Don't think doing it alone entirely as single super mom w/CS is going to be magically better then having a man who loves you and his children and provides for you. You get to stay home and raise them. You will go back to work, stressed, doing it 100pct on your own, w/out emotional support or any help with two babies. It's a CRAZY HARD life-and I would have NEVER chosen to divorce had it not been that my ex was abusive.

I call this the fantasy USA indocrinated LIE- which has caused a mass crisis of broken homes/divorces and blended nightmare families. Don't think 'happiness' is the end be goal....it's a family together. Happiness ebbs and flows through a marriage, as does even love-it's about commitment, staying power, hard work of sometimes giving more then you receive, abundant times of love and times where you barely make it till the next day.

Nothing in your description would cause me to leave, our fantasy life can start influencing your real life. I would put that to rest. Instead of focusing on what he doesn't do-focus on the good he does do daily or weekly- to you, for the home, for his children (all of them)- if you reframe your thinking it can re-frame your marriage. Do not buy into the charade of divorce easy that society and many on this board will sell you. You want to deal w/a stepdad that doesn't care for his kids? What if their dad steps away even more? DO you want a stepmom secrectly resenting their existence as you send them their to visit/share custody? You REALLY think divorce and CS and stepfamilies is a better option then fighting for your marriage, your family, your children? Spend that time making the decision to love/honor/cherish, even if they dont' give the same in return....there could be a time the tables turn-as in most marriages. Communicate with him, set up a day or two of week where it's one on one w/the toddler/you. FIGHT for your family, not FLIGHT> BTW your hormones/crazy talk/speak is quite normal...we can't stand much of anyone, do NOT let it take over your life to the point you end a perfectly good/solid marriage and intact home for your children.

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