I relate in a lot of ways. Him being gone for visits will give you some time to yourself to process. This is his life, but it doesn't have to be yours. Take some time and focus on yourself and what you want. Good luck. 

You need to find shirk4men.com  If nothing else, spend some time there soaking up the wisdom of HCBM's and how to deal.  You can follow her on FB too.  

im sorry your dealing with this. I have been a stepmum for 8 years and regret not getting out sooner. Hubby is amazing but the stress and emotions and abuse I have had to endure is something no one should go through. Don’t feel sorry for your partner, think about yourself. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Yes the rest of your life. Even when those kids turn 18 your still going to have them in your life and come across BM at family events if the kids have kids or get married etc. this sucks for your partner but he had kids with someone and unfortunately we all know that things can go pear shaped. Your hubby is going to go into debt. This is going to affect your life and your kids life. What this situation takes from you as a couple will take things away from your child. You may grow to resent your partner as it affects your life and this situation will consume you.

sorry if it sounds doom and gloom but I wish I had someone to tell me this.  

HCBM will never improve or get better and most likely will create havoc as long as your dh is around. I used to(and still do occasionally) dream about the day I could walk up and punch her in the face once the kids were old enough for her not to win them back in court. I totally get that it wouldn't actually solve anything but it would make me feel a heck of a lot better for sure!  Enter my logical husband, the guy who answers her craziness with just pure logic. I asked him once if he is ever just going to tell her off and tell her what a crappy parent she is and stick up for me(most of her spewing is about me). his response was that it would never solve anything. Occasionally women just need a guy to have their back. I don't think i'm going to wait for that. I guess you have to look at wether your situation is something that you can live with. Do you just need a breather from it? would it help if you just asked him not to involve or talk to you about it at all? Is the counselling the last step in getting everything back on track or is there possibly going to be even more court battles in the future? Has he considered asking for full custody? Is there any way you can do a mini vacation for a few days with him with the rule no discussion about kids or court to give both your minds a rest away from it? Do you have an outlet for stress such as going to the gym, doing a hobby, something that takes you away from the house once a week?

just go running back to the motherrship about 95 percent of the time after dad pours thousands of dollars down the legal black hole.  Look up Dr. Craig Childress on youtube

I was this stepparent except without the debt and child support. The crazy ex-wife and new stepson. It was a lot to take in. It felt like I carried more weight on my shoulders and more stress. Drama that I did not need in my life. I married my husband and over the years my relationship with my stepson grew stronger. I wanted to fight for him and did and won. But if I didn’t do it for him or care about him I probably would have gotten out of the relationship beforehand. It was a lot of emotional stress I had to deal with. 

Just walk away - you & your husband. Enjoy your lives, move on. She'll come around once she realizes how bad she's screwing up her kids and maybe she doesn't. Either way, not your concern.

First don't apologize for how you feel and secondly there is nothing wrong with wanting more and realizing that you're in a situation where you feel stuck and dont have much room to grow. Lets state the facts here. You are not happy, you are doing your all in this relationship and nothing has changed. Your H says its not his fault but guess what, its not your fault either and he shouldn't be ok with burdening you with this.

In the end you have to look out for you and yours and what makes you happy. Do some soul searching and ask yourself do you want to be in this same predicament for the rest of your life? If not, then you have your answer but if you stay, be prepared for a life time of misery. You dictate how you will live your life. Don't live feeling guilty because the only person you owe something to is YOU. Your H wants to get himself in debt that's on him but you don't have to go down with him.

DH needs to put the rope down and walk away.  He can pay CS until they age out.  If they are ever sane enough to realize he's their dad, they will come around.

My DH felt really guilty giving up the fight for his son - it took me a while to convince him that "giving up" and "letting go" were not the same thing. The truth is that the way Family Court is set up makes alienation worse, and so does the traditional therapy that judges order and BMs refuse to comply with.

Thankfully, my DH's attorney advised him to stop the fight. Best thing that we could have done, though it was really, really hard at first. I also made clear to DH that I was not up for any more legal battles. I wasn't funding them, and he was pulling his weight financially, but emotionally, I was done. I couldn't spend all my time focused on that anymore.

My SS was lost to PAS for 3.5 years and recently resurfaced (somewhat unfortunately, as all the stress is back too).

Start nailing this Lawyer with ethics complaints to the BAR.  She is milking your DH as a cash cow.  If she was worth a shit she would already have delivered a successful outcome.

We changed attorneys mid stream and went from merely winning to total destruction of my SS’s toxic SpermClan.  Our first attorney was about the group hug and lowering our expectations so we wouldn’t be disappointed.  For my money I wanted results rather than platitudes.  So we went attorney shopping.

When we found our shark he asked us some key questions.

1.  Are you doing this for the best interests of your son or to punish bio dad? (The answer was ....both)

2.  This could take a long time with significant cost. Are you prepared and able to bear the expense?

3.  If I don’t think that what you are attempting to accomplish is reasonable or likely will you consider alternatives that I recommend.

I wrote him a retainer check on the spot.  Ironically he has commented over the years that he was hopping for a cash cow client when we walked in the door.

Lol

 We referred a number of clients to him and he has made good money on our relationship.

We spent $10K+ over 2yrs beginning when SS-26 was 1yo with the placator and including the adult adoption that SS asked for when he was 22 we spent barely $5K over the next 20yrs and we kicked ass in and out of court.  A letter from our shark on his legal letterhead set the SpermClan quaking in their shoes and they jumped into line in a hurry.

I would suggest that you outline a meeting agenda with your DH and that the two of you get synced on your equity life partners strategy to save the SKids, destroy BM, and protect your family.  You are both successful professionals.  Act like. Partner from that perspective and execute your strategy together.

Now for a couple of questions.  

1. His old are your SKids?

2. What are BM’s resources to go toe to toe with you and DH?

Destroying her quickly will preserve your collective marital resources and should be something that you  and DH set forth in your strategy.

First thing..... get rid of the money sucking bottom feeder lawyer.  Get a shark.  Go to war.  Most importantly never forget that your attorney works for you.  If they are not delivering to your expectations fire them and find a better one.  Attorneys are a dime a dozen.  Good ones are rare.  Don’t settle for anything less than s shark.