What I Wish My Stepkids Knew
I wish my SD knew how much I've tried for her. I wish she understood that all those hours of overtime and spending money I didn't have on her was to make her happy and better her life.
I wish she knew that I never intended to take her father away from her, I simply wanted to love him the best I knew how and m love his children as well.
I wish she understood that I didn't implement chores as a punishment, but rather to teach responsibility.
I wish that she understood that just because her dad loves me doesn't mean he can't love her as well.
I keep thinking about all the times I tried to encourage her to think better of herself and to work hard in life and things would get better.
And I think too about all the times she screwed up and hurt us and we had to dust it off and jump back on the train.
I wish she knew how bad it hurts me to have to disengage from a child I've helped raise.
And I sincerely hope that she still let's me see her daughter. The one I helped raise. I changed that little girls diaper and fed her in the middle of the night. I read her books and watched cartoons with her. I told my SD that she didn't need her baby daddy in her life because one day a man worthy of her daughter would step in and be happy to.
I just wish things had happened differently and it really hurts me to know that even though I'm venting all these feelings to all of tou...she really would not care at all.
If anyone wants to know why it's hard to be a stepparent-it's hard because you're giving your all to a child that could care less about you.
I hope for HER sake that your
I hope for HER sake that your SD figures at least some of this out.
I do too. She might end up in
I do too. She might end up in the same boat as me one day.
How old is SD
kids don’t care, It’s the ME generation!
Unfortunately it seems that
Unfortunately it seems that way.
I think a lot of what you
I think a lot of what you write could also come from a bio parent. Unfortunately kids don't always understand and appreciate the fact that the boundaries, rules and punishments were designed to help them become better people. They don't understand or appreciate the financial, emotional and time sacrificed in their honor. Further the stepkids don't understand that a step-parent did all of that even though they didn't have to.. because they cared. It is tough though for them when they may have other influences telling them they should turn from the step parent.
It can be very frustrating.
It can be very frustrating. And it certainly doesn't help when their other BP is encouraging bad behavior.
Eventually maybe she'll grow up.
When I was in my 40's I had a
When I was in my 40's I had a list of what I wish my skids knew. They needed to know the truth...
Now it just does not matter. They are/were so "PAS'd" out as many on here call it.
It didnt matter years ago and it does not matter today. I have no interest in showing them the truth anymore. It really does not matter anymore.
What is 'PAS'd'?
What is 'PAS'd'?
I hope someday you see the
I hope someday you see the day that SD appreciates all that you gave her but if she doesn't just know you did the best that you could, with a open heart, and good intentions. Honor and take care of you and even if she doesn't allow you to see her daughter you keep moving forward with grace.
Yep, I can't make her
Yep, I can't make her understand and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I can't control the actions or mindset of others and sometimes it just makes me crazy trying to understand her mindset.
But again I need to learn to let go
I raised my SD17 for 7 years.
There is so much pain for giving your all to a kid. It is heart wrenching.
I raised my SD17 for 7 years. I was the Mother figure and did a lot for her while her Dad worked his blue collar job. I sacrificed that part of my life. My DD has graduated and left for college a year after we got SD full time.
I went without vacations, weekends away, just taking off on the motorcycle for the day so she could be in band and play softball, do things with friends, take her shopping when she needed stuff. There would be months when SD wouldn't visit BM bc they fought a lot so it was us 100%.
June 2017, SD went to stay with BM after school was out and didn't come back. She flunked out of vo tech and 3 classes her Junior year, dropped out of band. She is now a Senior and we have already gotten the letter that she is missing a lot of school, possibly not graduate. All that promise shot down bc her BM is worthless. She had a pregnancy scare, an STD, and who knows what else that we haven't been told.
It hurt that she could treat us that way and not care one bit of all I sacrificed for her. I don't know her anymore and now she may move back with us bc BM is moving. She will probably go live with her long time friend as we live in the country and its boring. I don't want her back. I won't be able to hide my distrust and distaste for what she has become in the past year.
I am literally in the same
I am literally in the same boat. Sd's mom wanted nothing to do with her save for holidays to look good to others and appear like mom of the year.
In reality they barely spoke and the BM didn't try to better their relationship until SD had her daughter. All of the sudden she wanted to do everything for her and with her and not involve us in anything important to do with SD.
SD would tell her mom how terrible SO and I are and that her dad is mean and we're alcoholics that don't give her anything andone on and on.
It was really frustrating that she thought it was okay to speak about us that way. Especially when we literally did EVERYTHING for her.
Hell her and her daughter lived with us! We supported them when no one else wohld. Even her own mom.
If course now that we know how many drugs she does, how she antagonized people and how she sleeps around and talks about us to other people-she wants to live with mom.
I'm very happy she has moved out now and I do not want her to come back ever again. If she thinks we're so despicable she deserves her mom.
She wants to maintain her victim facade and make everyone else feel sorry for her because of how terrible we've apparently been to her.
Whatever, if her mom doesn't believe she's on drugs, sleeping around, etc. Then she will never get the help she needs.
SD is grown and never has been my responsibility. I feel used for having given her so much and will never make that mistake with her again.
I'm done.
I think your last sentence
I think your last sentence sums up what makes step-parenting so incredibly hard, why so many step-parents get so hurt and bitter
The best thing I think we can do, is remind ourselves over and over to lower our expectations!
Focus your energies on those who DO care about you, love you and want to be around you...small small steps when it comes to skids
It has been a learning
It has been a learning experience needless to say. I gave come to realize not everyone deserves the best of me, especially when they think nothing of me.
I am sorry for all your pain
I am sorry for all your pain and hurt.
Kids can be self-centred, horrible little shits - even if they are your own. Have you ever thought of talking to SD and telling how you feel and what you expect?
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know I've had conversations with her before and it just doesn't set in with her.
I told her the last conversation I had with her that I expected her to do better and go get a job in the real world so she could associate with responsible adults that would be better role models for her than the kids she hangs out with that-while in the legal sense are adults-in practice still kids.
I've tried to get alone time with her and take her shopping or take her out to get a coffee with me, etc.
She's only happy when money is invoved, she never wants to just spend time with DH or myself and just hang out.
She really doesnt like me at all and frankly she doesn't care about anyone but her self.
I mean she got furious with her dad when I was 9 months pregnant taking a nap-for asking her to be a little quieter so I could rest.
She got made her dad wouldn't give her money whenever she wanted it. I mean, we had just took her on a vacation. And I was on maternity leave, so we had a fixed income and a fixed budget. She just was totally inconsiderate of the facts. We will were already spending more money than we had because she was blowing thru hers-when going out to eat and buying dope. Just wreckless, selfish behavior.
Then come ask us to by diapers and snacks and wipes or medicine for her child. Which we did because we were not gonna watch the child go without.
Honestly there's alot to the story lol.
She just wanted wanted wanted.
I don't think with her mindset being that way that I could ever get thru to her hknestly.
OP is 23, SD is 19 - right?
Unless your bio is wrong: "I am a young mother, 23 to one infant daughter and have tried to be a 'role model' of sorts to my SO's kids. My SO has a 23 yr old son who is married with one child, a 19 yr old daughter who is unmarried with one child, and a 12 yr old son he claims as his own."
I am absolutely amazed at your level of wisdom for being 23 years old! I find it incredible that you have reached such profound insights into a situation where your SD is a only 4 years younger than you are. You state that you didn't implement chores (on SD) as punisment but merely as a way to teach responsibility. I'm sure that most teenage girls would be very receptive to learning lessons on responsibility from a peer who is also involved in a relationship with their father (who is old enough to be your father, too.)
It is indeed sad that SD19 didn't take your 23 year-old's advice and lessons.
You deserve special recognition for the astounding the perspective you have shared on StepTalk in the one week you've been a member, to include the amazing insights you've written about in such erudite terminology.
If we had prizes to award on ST, I'd certainly put you in for one.
Yes, I am 23 and my SD is
Yes, I am 23 and my SD is about to be 19.
I figured if I showed her how to keep house and how to keep a job and function as a successful, responsible adult in this world that she WOULD BE receptive because I was not demanding it of her but rather expressing to her thru action how to do these things without being overwhelmed. Yes, kids are more open to their peers than any other group.
I don't deserve a prize. My prize is being able to help others who are going thru the same experiences and support them in their journey to a more peaceful life.
So lovely ANON9876
Your post was just soooo genuine. Your SD is lucky to have had you.
I hate things went the way
I hate things went the way they did, and I hate having so much grief.
But I'm glad to learn from this and I wish my SD would have realized before that her dad and I truly care and always will, even if it has to be from a distance.