Update to "Not 100 percent sure about SIL"
Thanks for the different viewso offered here the other day. I heard what a few of you had to say about not doing this on Christmas and how it would be the wrong time amd even how I should let DH handle it. This is what I did.
I did talk to DH about this on Christmas Eve to get a sense of where he was on this. He said he wasn't like me in needing to point things out because all it is going to do is get people upset and nothing is going to change. In his own words he would rather just go with the flow and not cause problems. He was more upset with me that i had a problem with being under the bus. So no help from DH.
Dinner with his family was chill. One of his sisters was out of town and most of the people that normally show up were out of town as well so it was just SIL, MIL and SILs husband. Perfect. We wemt through most of the dinner fine and when it was close to time to leave i talked with MIL instead of SIL. I just couldn't get to her but the message will be relayed.
Me: the CPS investigation was closed. They couldn't find any reason for the kids to be in danger. Well cared for etc.
MIL: that's great. I happy thats over and closed.
Me: it's not over, at all. I plan on pursuing this to the fullest extent of the law. SD said that BM was here the other day. In light pf everything thata has happened recently and just in general, how do y'all keep dealing with someone that is so toxic to your own family member?
MIL: you've got to understand that i walk a fine line. I want to have a relationship with SD-
Me: at the cost of bio1 and bio2?
MIL: No! I'm going to have a relationship with them as well.
Pause. We both just took each other in. I could see her pain. I could see was in the middle. I could also see where DH got his "go with the flow" from. But that's not good enough for me. Going with the flow would have never got me where I am in life and it won't get me where I'm going.
Me: OK.
MIL: I did hear through the grapevine that BM didnt intend for this to happen. She was already down there doing the paper work and they said she had to have a reason to reduce his visitation. And once she said it they had to investigate.
Me: So you're fine with BM hating DH so much that she would lie to get his visitation REDUCED? And throw my kids in the middle of it? She wants him to do nothing but be a pay check and she came around here and peddled to you the same story she peddled to everyone else. BM wants you and you're family in Sd's life because SD would be devastated without you guys. But she wants nothing to do with DH. And that's wrong. Lying and costing me my kids is wrong. And anyone that isn't 100 percent for my kids will not be in their lives and that is as a mother that has been in a foster home. (DH's family knows I was a foster kid so my whole reaction shouldn't be a surprise).
I wasn't angry but I did make my point clear. In the conversation I just started to realize that BM had DH AND HIS FAMILY shook. She has managed to control the family with the SD carrot. And I did the same. Part of me feels smiley for it but they're mass hypnosis is harmful to my children. They could get time with SD if they would just support DH. They might not get the unfettered access they currently have but a healed wound is better than the open sore this has become. In that small conversation I understood so much more about how DH was suffering the same way about SD as his whole family was and no one was saying anything. Everyone is hurt and suffering about the same situation but are doing it alone. This boggles my mind. Even when I'm hurt and suffering I talk to my family. I might be incoherent, make sense or be justified but you got to get it out to make better decisions. You have to adress the emotional baggage to create a solution. No one was doing anything.
Because DH should be the one rallying the troops. So I have some work to do. DH has to get over being the sad dad and take control of his part. He has to mend his family relationships. I can't do it for him but a push in the right direction cant hurt. Maybe a shove.
I also need to invite them in more. I see DH's family through the picture he's painted and without realizing it, I've picked up some of his apprehensions. I need to see and be with them on my own terms.
I still stand by what I said. And if they continue to deal with such a volatile figure to my immediate family I will cut them off but the door isnt closed just yet. I know MIL will talk to SIL about the conversation. I know DH heard the conversation because he tried to get me out of there quick. He won't want to talk about it tho. Go with the flow.
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Comments
Im finding that those kids of
Im finding that those kids of nasty divorce are often the grandparents favorites and the new kids take a backseat.
My skids are a product of a nasty divorce and MIL would drop all for them. A couple of her other children have even made comments like Mom we all have kids too, not just him. I have no bios with him, my bios are in their 20s so I could never understand what you're going through. Im just glad my uterus is too old for having children with DH.
Isnt it lovely how you feel to keep up with BM you have to manipulate and/or cause problems? I hope things start looking up for you. My MIL or SILs would never have anything to do with BM and her evil ways!
Merry Christmas hahaha
Yes! And I feel so skeevy
Yes! And I feel so skeevy doing it. But if I take anything but a hard stance against this foolishness I think they will continue to facilitate it. And that's not a good environment for anyone's kids
Ive learned in the past 8
Ive learned in the past 8 months since I got married. Protect myself, protect my bios and protect my assets. The skids are on their own. Dadddeeeee protects them, as he should.
MIL has to be switzerland.
MIL has to be switzerland. Unfortunately if something were to happen to DH she would never see SD again if she isn't nice and wasn't nice all along to BM. Sure.. grandparents can get "rights" but it is very hard to have done and it is very limited visitation.
When I first split from my kids dad things were REALLY bad. He had PTSD and it was scary every single time he took the kids for the weekend. My parents still talked to him like he was their son. He would vent about me and they would listen. It was so hard for me and caused such a rift in my own relationship with my parents. However... I see why they did what they did. I was angry at the time. I was their daughter, my ex hurt me. That should have made them rally agaist him with me, right??? They didn't - they just walked this thin line of trying not to hurt anyone.
MIL just wants to be in SD's life. You have to try and let them do what they feel they have to do. Just stay out of it as hard as it is. They know your DH isn't crazy and won't take your bio's away from them, but if something happens to him, BM can disapear with SD and that will be it for them as grandparents.
And what happens to the
And what happens to the grands MIL has through OP? Do you think OP is going to feel particularly good about sending her bios to MIL if something were to happen to DH? Especially if SD and/or BM are there/present? Remember, SD isn't the only GK, and they will still be grands if SD isn't there.
MIL has 2 BMs she has to contend with now, and when one makes up lies and accusations that impact the other, MIL can't play Switzerland anymore. MIL has to realize that HER SON has chosen these women to have children with, and if HE has chosen incorrectly, then HE is the reason for the breakdown in the relationship of his children with his family.
Everyone burying their heads in the sand and hoping everything just magically fixes itself doesn't work. There is no Switzerland when one person is lying to reduce the visitation of the other. There are consequences to actions, and OP is telling MIL "either side with DH and HELP HIM SEE HIS DAUGHTER SO YOU CAN SEE HER, TOO, or side with BM, hope she is being generous (she won't be forever), and lose your other grands".
MIL's actions show everyone that she cares more about being a grandmother than a mother. She cares more about seeing her grands than she does about the cost that comes with it to her own son. Malicious or subconscious in her doing doesn't matter; this is a selfish move on MIL, et al's part.
Thanks for your story. I'm
Thanks for your story. I'm trying to discern how to navigate the situation without hurting people unnecessarily but maintaining a clear line of what I won't tolerate. I think their family really wants me to buy in to the "she didn't mean to do it" but we all have to live with the consequences of our actions, unintended or not. BM tried to inflict as much damage as she could and lied to do it. I don't think I'm asking to rally against BM and never deal with her so much as I am asking to stop facilitating the crazy and stop thinking I have to buy in to it. I think what your parents did is admirable but I think for my in laws inaction is just as harmful.
Adding: if they have a
Adding: if they have a working relationship with BM there is a way to tell her that her actions are egregious without ruining the relationship. They habe relayed messages in BM's favor for us many times. It's time they carried the bone the other way.
MIL: you've got to understand
Your response to this was perfect (my opinion). MIL needs to realize how dangerous BM's actions were /are to your children. MIL needs to get it through her head that if BM said it to CPS she meant for it to have consequences. BM wanted/ wants to get DH out of the child's life by any means necessary. BM deliberately lied to CPS. Her statement was not a mistake.
MIL needs to realize that this was not a white lie. This was a malicious lie that could have had serious consequences for her son, his wife, and his other children.
You handled it perfect (my opinion). The conversation was good for both of you. You now have a better perspective of DH's family and hopefully MIL understands how dangerous BM's antics are.
You are so right. I did learn
You are so right. I did learn a lot about DH's family and am glad that I had the conversation with MIL instead of SIL. I dont think it would have went the same way. I really am hoping that MIL thinks about the while situation and at least decides to do something instead of be neutral. Even being neutral has consequences.
OP, I think you handled this
OP, I think you handled this well. It's hard to be the extended family in situations where CPS and the threat of losing kids is involved.
My SF did everything he could to help his daughter get her act together to keep her kids. He did whatever he could FOR HER because he wanted he wanted to see his brands, but he knew the path to them was through her. He could have buddied up with his XW (who has adopted them) and offered up something for them, but he knew she could take them away (and that's exactly what she did). He could have worked with SSis's XH to get custody of the girls. But those weren't his family and his connection to the kids; the connection was through his daughter.
Yes, he has lost access to 4 of his grandkids, but he would have lost it anyway. Going the route he has gone, though, has made him the primary grandparent for my SBro's daughter. My SBro, despite how he feels about his sister, knows my SF has my SBro's best interests at heart. He knows my SF would stand up for him should things go south with SIL. And in return, he feels 100% comfortable with allowing my niece to have unfettered access to my SF.
Had my SF stood up for his XW or SSis's XH, I don't think my SBro would feel the same. I think he would view his father as opportunistic, and he doesn't feel like dealing with someone else in his life using him for their own gain.
The reward for being a good parent is having the opportunity to have a good relationship with your grandchildren. When you stop being a good parent, that reward stands on shaky ground, not out of spite, but out of broken trust.