Disney Dad’s enabling behavior
My SSs (both in middle school) are completely helpless. They have only recently learned to cut their own food (thanks to several lessons from me), but still need help more often than you’d expect.
They also can’t keep track of anything...even things that are important to them.
For Christmas, they got new ski goggles and new ski gloves. They complained that their ski goggles fogged up, yet could not be expected to wipe them off. One has also already lost one of his new ski gloves.
DH claims to be annoyed that they can’t do anything, but what does he do? When their goggles fog, he insists it is the goggles fault and hands over my old pair of goggles (same brand and model, by the way, only difference is the color of the lenses). He also hands over my gloves for home to SS who lost one of his gloves after one use. Then DH tries to argue with me that the things he gave to SSs were theirs, not mine.
Not only that, but he unpacks a bag of clothes that I packed for SSs to take to MILs (because of course, BM couldn’t send any clothes even though we only have SSs 4 days a week and DH pays CS every month) because he’s insistent that SSs did not pack enough warm clothes to wear under their ski pants. Um, they have thermals to wear under their ski pants, which is enough. Last year when DH told one of them to wear sweatpants under their ski pants, one SS (again, in middle school) cried in the back of the car and was writhing around because he was “so hot” on the ride home. Seriously?! Just take your ski pants off and stop complaining.
I’m so sick of spending money on things that will immediately get lost or discarded because they don’t meet some specification (after all the tags have been removed, of course) and I’m sick of my DH enabling this learned helplessness.
- strugglingSM's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would be ticked off
if my DH gave my things to SS. I would number one buy new gloves and goggles, better then old ones. And make DH payed the bills for that. Then that will be the last time I would pack any bags for SS. That up to DH to take care of his kids
I refuse to do so anymore.
I refuse to do so anymore. After all of this CPS bull, DH is kissing SD's ass and I've barely said 10 words to her in the few times I've seen her this past week. Last night, DH made her a frozen pizza and cut it up for her. I don't care if he wonders why she'll be an adult one day who has no idea how to make simple meals or do simple tasks. I do not have the time or energy to be angry with either of them for their codependent relationship.
you’ve barely spoken 10 words in the past week to sd
I haven’t spoken to ss20 in about 2 years almost and he’s here on university weekend breaks. For stepfamilies this is totally normal behaviour from the self centred brats except its totally not normal behaviour to behave this way.
hubby has told ss off and he claims he did nothing wrong, that i’m an outsider and its uncomfortable which hubby called bullshit on that i am his wife and a family member of our household along with the 2 kids i had with hubby which ss treats the same.
imaginary stress syndrome comes on when hubby calls him out on this bullshit behaviour and excuses and hubby just gives up, sk is f*#kin useless and hubby knows it and it just makes hubby resent his kid. Like this is his kid he helped create and raise.
past 2 months hubby has disengaged and only messaged anything important thats urgent but theres no chit chat. So far in the past 2 months that ss at university (lives on campus which is about 30min drive away), has messaged hubby to say his phone bill is overdue and needs to be paid and hubby needs to put money in his bank account.
my 2 kids aged 1.5 & 3 are relatively independent and mature for their age. I see them growing up being pissed off with this idiot and his behaviour and will start bringing it up with dad. Maybe that will be the wake up call
few months ago his dad told him to apologise for his pathetic behaviour towards me and our kids, he walked up to me mumbling and grinning and smiling as he said “daddy told me to apologise to you”. I looked at him and walked off to my kids bedroom with their bottles and shut the door. Hubby got a nasty message at how dare the neeve of this kid. Believe me hubby was in fighting mode with ss over his behaviour that day while i was in tears.
We all get to that point how can i be stupid to be in this marriage and allow us to be treated this way.
well ss when he does come home which meant to be any day now, has a basket full of cleaning products in his room that hubby will be enforcing to be cleaned within 24 hours of his arrival at home or his pc will be removed followed by his door.
We have 2 young kids and his room smells of mould, gecko poo along the corners of the tiles never cleaned up. The air from his room can go to other areas, my 1.5 yr old son is allergic.
i got to a point of disengaging and saying to myself skids are taking my husband for a ride and hubby suspects it but just doesn’t want to admit it. So when i tell hubby this and that mess by bim must be cleaned (while hubby is at work and unaware of these things), ss gets a message or call from hubby and hubby has clear instructions to not accept any excuses or tolerate bad disrespectful behaviour from ss when our 2 toddlers do not behave this way to anyone and they sure can be a handful
last year when hubby told me his son had matured so much, i rolled my eyes and laughed hysterically inside and presented hubby with the facts what his son has not done and for hubby to explain how had ss matured which made hubby realise, he had achieved bugger all
All you can do is stop doing
All you can do is stop doing so much for them yourself. Why are you packing their bag? Why do you care what they wear under their ski pants? Just let DH handle all of that, and the consequences of it. You say DH enables them, and then you pack a bag for middle school aged kids who should be able to pack their own bag. If they pack the wrong stuff, oh well. If DH has to pack it for them, oh well. If their own father isn't going to force them to grow up, you can't be the one to do it.
As for the buying stuff they don't need, I'd address that with him, and if he won't stop, then split finances so the only joint account is just for bills and he can use his own money to buy them whatever he wants.
Bag
I packed a bag to give to MIL who is taking SSs next weekend, so we can go away for my birthday. I didn’t pack it for skiing (hence my annoyance that DH opened that bag to look for ski items that SSs didn’t bring with them). I want to go away without worrying about SSs or BM causing drama, so I wanted everything to be in place.
But you can't control whether
But you can't control whether they cause drama. None of that is your problem in the slightest. Let them pack their own bag, or let DH do it.
I do know how you feel, I used to think I could somehow control the drama, but I can't. I just have to let DH handle it. Anxiety is usually behind efforts to control the uncontrollable.
Anxiety
Being a stepmother has definitely caused me anxiety. I now understand why SMs are more likely to have mental health issues.
I can totally relate!
"I used to think I could somehow control the drama, but I can't."
This is so true! And the anxiety, insomnia, stress & exhaustion was unbearable for me. I am detached from my SS and playing the Broken Record message to DH that I am not okay with SS18 moving back in as nothing's changed since SS got kicked out... and that it's insanity to continue doing the same things but expecting different results.
What tog said.
What tog said.
Stop doing so much. If DH gave something of mine to SD (and he has), I would either get it back immediately or DH would have to relpace it. No one gets to give someone else your things without your permission.
They are old enough to pack themselves. SD12 packs herself, then has me check. I don't do it for her.
You've got to stop enabling, cut off your financial help. This was essential for my DH to understand...to see how much he was overspending.
Enabling
I totally enable DH and MIL and the rest of the family.
I’ve showed DH how much he would owe to just cover half of our expenses and a portion (not even half) of our current debt. Between that and child support, he’d basically have no additional spending money. He said it was unfair for me to expect him to contribute so much, but really, it’s unfair that I subsidize so much for SSs. I see them as his extra expenses, not mine.
Unfair? If it weren't for you
Unfair? If it weren't for you, his standard of living would be way lower than it is - he should be THANKING you, not whining about you making him pay his fair share.
Time to stand up for yourself and make him stop taking you for granted.
Standing Up Clapping Wildly!
not sure why these biodads think they are contributing by allowing SM to support THEIR kids!!
Oh no no no NO NO
Oh no no no NO NO NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo strugglingsm. You must stop hurting yourself.
Each parent is responsible for their OWN child and childs expenses from a prior marriage/relationship.
Disney Dad term is very belittling and i personally don't think it's productive.
Just stop doing everything...DAD should pack the kids stuff if they cant manage on their own. When he isnt home to do it,,,he does it before he leaves for work OR where ever. OR they do it OR they go without.
Stop paying for things that he needs for his children. IT is one thing if you decide to gift a new car, or vacation...that is a gift you too enjoy. see how that works.
Time to reassess both your
Time to reassess both your time and money costs in this relationship.
Household costs split as a percentage of salary, for example you earn 60% and he 40% then you pay that amount into a account to cover household bills, he covers the full cost of his children, including all additional food for when his kids are at yours. Outstanding debt you pay yours, he pays his.
These kids have 2 parents plus a grandparent who are willing to treat these children as babies there is no need for you to do so as well.
Bingo! What Powerfamily said!
Bingo! What Powerfamily said!