Consequences
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I thought consequences for misbehavior are like common knowledge in parenting. Isn't it? I don't understand why my DH has NO concept of it. I think the best he as ever done is he - nope he didn't stick to that either. He has "talks" with SD. Natural consequences are avoided as well. Is he crazy or is this normal? I mean it's not working but he doesn't see that either. I'm frustrated and for some reason I feel resentful towards both of them. It's not like I find pleasure seeing a child unhappy. Am I weird to want to see accountability, remorse, and a change towards better behavior? I'm so frustrated.
It's quite ok your if your DH
It's quite ok if your DH has no idea that bad behaviour needs consequences.
If he doesn't want to parent his kid, there are people who are paid to do it for people like him.
They are called police officers and prison guards.
Different people have
Different people have different ways that they deal with behaviour. Some parents go more for re-direction and some believe in consequences and punishment. It can be easy as a step-parent to compensate for lack of care with control. And that will seem harsh as a bio-parent.
If you have genuine parenting style differences you need to talk through that.
Lots of parents want to be
Lots of parents want to be their kid’s friend and not their parent. It generally results in difficulties later in life, but the selfish parent doesn’t care as long as the kid likes them. If his kids are running wild because he won’t parent, of course you resent him.
Many of us have experienced
Many of us have experienced consequences, so we know the impact they can have on behavior. Your husband, though, has another complicating factor: his guilt. Guilty parenting is basically no parenting.
You will pay hell trying to get your husband to parent in spite of his guilt. My husband would witness his daughter unleash a torrent of slurs on me and say NOTHING. If she can get away with that, I had no hope he'd say no to her less egregious, but still unreasonable behavior.
In the end, I disengaged because no matter how awful my SD treated me, my husband could never tell her "no, that behavior is not OK."
You probably won't change your husband either, so disengagement will be your ace in the hole when the time comes.
I'm already there. I'm about
I'm already there. I'm about 2 weeks into it and they are not happy about it.
You have their attention.
You have their attention. Now drive the stakes into their hearts by escalating the consequences for her crap and the consequences for his failure to discipline his child. As the state of abject misery escalates their behaviors will eventually change when you find the miserable sweet spot that each is most sensitive to.
Zero tolerance works.
Thank you for the support.
Thank you for the support.
DH doesn't like consequences.
DH doesn't like consequences. He has said he doesn't want to be 'authortarian' about parenting, prefers to discuss things and no follow up. Drove me nuts.
So I disengage. Unless I am directly affected or it's in my responsibility to act, I don't. DH has to deal with it. And oh how he tries to avoid it. He is better now after several years of my letting go, but he avoids confrontation if possible. I think my DH is less Disney and more lazy parent. It's hard and you can't make me is his attitude.
I cannot do it for him.
That's what my DH does. He
That's what my DH does. He says he's going to handle it. Within hours I'm getting confused because SD is in a really good mood and headed out to go do something with friends. I always thought when you have bad behavior you get restrictions on freedoms and privileges. When zi ask DH what's going on he tells me he had a really good talk with her and she understands now. When he tells me that I want to scream asking him how backwards is this situation? Its like everything is contrary to what I know as being normal.
These poorly behaved people
These poorly behaved people know they can be disrespectful because they do not have any consequence or parent, in reality. Daddee is the buddy friend who pays for things, that is how he is seen and that is how he wants to be viewed.
I agree, it is so pathetic to watch. You have no choice but to disengage and let societal norms be the natural consequence of a lack of parenting. And, as the poster stated above, the police will become the parent eventually.