Finances
My 23 year old stepdaughter moved away for school almost 6 years ago. She decided to relocate to that city and since then has skipped from job to job, apartment to apartment. Unforuntately even when she was working a full time retail job, she was still asking my hubby for money to go out, pay for uberides & ubereats. I have anxiety and she does too (both of us diagnosed about 2 years ago), so my hubby is extra gentle with her, which is fine, but she's taking advantage of him financially, often causing him to fall behind on our own household bills. We are in our 50's with little retirement savings. $ going to her partying/eating out, could be going to our retirement fund. I often feel resentful and frustrated about this, even though I've talked to him many times and say that I understand he helps her out of love, but he's actually making her weaker & irresponsible because Dad is always bailing her out of her most recent crisis. Recently he went away for a few days, and I really enjoyed the break from his smoking & drinking. When he's worried about her, he drinks alot, which doesn't help the situation, to the point where he can barely walk and has had some minor scrapes & falls. He's almost 59. Lately I've been feeling like "running away". I love our house etc but I feel like the main cause of my anxiety is actually my husband and his stepdaughter. On the other hand, I feel like I shouldn't abandon him. Her mom is a tough cookie, but he's the softie, so his daughter always calls him for $, even though his exwife & her husband make double what we make, but they are more firm with her. It was annoying when she was a teenager, but I feel that by almost 24 years of age she should be getting her act together. I just wonder if I should go back to being single & regaining my peace of mind, or stay through this, supporting him and trying to give him good guidance. Honestly I feel like if neither were in my life, my life would be pretty good LOL He is such a caring, good man. Works hard. I feel guilty for having these thoughts.
Well, if "supporting" him
Well, if "supporting" him means your bills aren't getting paid and you have no retirement, so you are anxious, that doesn't sound like the answer, to me. Or a good, healthy life (or relationship).
His daughter is an adult and needs to navigate these things on her own. Your husband's financial support should now be with you and your life together.
My husband worries about his daughter, too, but he doesn't drink himself into a stupor over it. He knows that there is nothing he can do about how she lives her life and if she's going to change things, she will do it because she wants to or she needs to. He does not bail her out, financially (she is 27, does not work).
He has always stressed independence to her and if she doesn't want to listen, that's on her. When BM dies, she will have a rude awakening because we will not be coming to her rescue.
You say you don't want to abandon him, but I would feel abandoned by my husband if our own bills were unpaid because he was catering to his daughter, and causing me anxiety.
Yeah, this would all be a
Yeah, this would all be a deal breaker for me, too.
DH can worry and support his DD without bankrupting you guys and putting himself in an early grave. He needs some better coping skills and you might have to make clear that you aren't putting up with this anymore.
I do feel abandoned
I do feel abandoned
Separate Finances
Separate finances now. You need to make your life top priority. Contribute to half of household expenses and insist DH pay his 1/2. This includes a certain amount into his retirement fund. Then he can spend whatever is left on SD if he wants. Ask him if he thinks SD will be paying for his expenses when he is old. If he does'nt agree to this save up for an ecit plan.
Thanks for your advice
Thanks for your advice
If DH is drinking to the point where he is falling down
If DH is drinking to the point where he is falling down and injuring himself, that seems like more of a problem than just worrying about his daughter. Will he consider getting any help? If not, maybe you should consider Al-anon, or something similar, to help you get some perspective.
Thanks for the suggestion
Thanks for the suggestion
Separate your finances and
Separate your finances and take a life insurance policy out on him. Enough to have a small nest egg for retirement. Look out for yourself since he doens't give a crap.
I always say put it on paper.
I always say put it on paper. Do a household budget with a current snapshot and another for your retirement. When he sees on paper how much you'll have each month to survive, it might help your case. I think a lot of people don't really understand what retirement looks like...on paper...in real numbers.
If this doesn't do it, separate finances would help. But you have to ask yourself...if he can't afford his half, can you cover him so you don't have to leave your home? Would you really let him financially sink if the time comes? Even with separate finances, your finances are entwined. So it would be a lot better to pull him to your side than watch him sink.
I had a similar problem -- my husband was giving money to his spoiled adult daughter, a deadbeat friend and a deadbeat brother. I started harping on our retirement situation because, on top of him being the Bank for Losers and Deadbeats (that's BL&D, FDIC), my husband gave away the farm when he divorced so he had little in retirement savings and I was laid off right after we married.
This retirement thing only works, though, if you have a reasonable, thinking husband. If yours is someone who never worries about tomorrow, you might be sunk. Keep your nest egg safe in case you can't get him to stop wasting your future.