I have two grown children (son, now Bs23 and a daughter, now Dd27) and my now husband has two teenage daughters (now Sd16 and Sd19).  We both had alcoholic spouses that cheated on us.  I was married 25 years and he was married for 12 year with his daughters Bm.  I had only been divorced a year and he had been for 4 years. 

When we begain dating his girls were 15, 12.  Their mom and dad had joint custody, so I would come up (we lived 1.5 hours from each other) and visited when the girls were at their moms.  Then 6 months into dating their abusive alcoholic mom had her 3rd CPS case against her, Sd16 tied a scarf around her neck in an "attempt" to see what it felt like and this CPS case was substaniated. (Dh, my now husband never fought for sole custody as he said it was expensive and it was not a guaranteed custody slam dunk.)  So Sd19 and Sd16 begged to not go back to their moms house and I got to meet them and we all went on a nature hike.  Sd19 was super nice, but Sd16 ran ahead and cried the entire time.  I thought, maybe she just wasnt ready to share their dad, but then found out she had done this before with other women my now Dh had dated.  I tried everything...taking her out for smoothies, shopping, little talks, test drives when she got her learners permit....etc.  I always felt she "pretended" to like me, like it always came acrossed like over-exaggerated hellos,etc... but I shrugged it off.

We went to Sd16's therapist  to have her explain the "complexities" of Sd16.  I had been going to a therapist  since my divorce.  My sessions with my therapist went from transitioning into a relationship with Dh, to how to deal with Sd16.  Sd16's therapist,  suggested we invite Sd16 along on our dates, let her choose what we did, and where we went for meals.  So as time went on...we would go to restaurants and she would start crying (mind you she was almost 13 at this time) and would go and sit in the car, we would go to movies and we would have to leave after 15 minutes.  In the meantime, their mother whom they (at that time) had not spoken with for 5 months, abruptly sold her house, all the girls furniture, clothes, american girl dolls, lacrosse equipment and posted the garage sale on Facebook where the girls were both still friends with her. 

Three years later when we finally set a date for our wedding, Sd16 locked herself in her room and screamed like someone just told her all your loved ones were killed!!  LIKE HIGH PITCHED SCREAMS!  We told her to open her door, she didnt, and all she kept screaming was she wanted to see her therapist.   Her therapist told my husband to let her decide if she wanted to be a part of our wedding or if she even wanted to attend.  I thought we shoul postpone the wedding, but the therapists told us not too.  Sd16 decided to attend and we had both his girls stand up with him and both my children stand up with me.  She cried all the way to the church.  My daughter told me if Sd16 made a scene, she and her brother would take her out...lol.  I love my kids! 

I should mention that I still live an hour and a half away since my job is with the government and I am allowed the luxury of working 4 (10 hour) days, Monday-Thursday.  Both my kids are out on their own, so I picked up a part time job Monday and Wednesday nights so I have something to do in my spare time, and then on Thursday after work I head up to my husbands house and stay Thursday night through Sunday night.  Since he is an appraiser, he works out of his house.  We are planning in a couple years (after Sd16 graduates) to get a house together halfway in between our current houses.  Just to note that I have not changed one thing in Dh's house as to make sure the girls did not feel I have taken over--that things are just as they always have been.  And yes, this has been extemely hard...but that is another story in itself.

So since our wedding in January of 2018...ugh...things are continuing to get worse, dispite my husbands reassurance that as Sd16 gets older, things will get better.  Sd16 has gone from locking herself in her room for the entire weekend that I am there.  My husband brings her food to her door, and they have conversations through the door, because she wont open the door until he goes away.  I had a hard time with this as I dont understand what I did to make this girls feel this way.  I have been kind and caring, supportive and encouraging...  Sd19 and I get along great!  It is hard, especially when she comes home from school, sees me, and says ugh!  and then stomps to her room and slams the door.  I told my husband this is so disrespectful!  He says, what should I do??  I told him, if she were my child, I would bring take off her door, set her down and tell her, "this is my husband, you will treat him with respect!"  He says his poor "Sd16" has anxiety, no friends, and has "attempted suicide.  (Both girls had been into "cutting").   I told him regardless of her issues, she needs to be kind and say hello.  So he sat her down when I wasnt there.  She said "faking to like Stepmom for the past three and a half years put her in such a downward spiral, that she lost all her friends.  So if he is giving her an ultimatium to be nice to me, then he isnt allowed to go to any of her choir and drama plays". 

My therapist and husband say this is step parenting 101, very typical, and not to take it personally.  I have an extremely hard time with this...  I grew up with an abusive father, married an alcoholic that cheated on me with my daughters godmother, and now when I finally meet a man that is great...  his child ends up being a nightmare.  I dont know how not to take it personally as it is directed right at me and I did nothing to her.  I am not going to bend over anymore and try to accomodate her.  My husband tries to assure me that it will get better and we have to take baby steps...but it continues to be one thing after another.  Now that she has a drivers license, she now goes to school on Thursday morning and doesnt come back to the house until her father texts her that I have left.  I have issues with that....  I feel like things are done behind my back.  I am on medication again (had to take meds when I found out that my ex had an affair....I went fetal for a while).  I start shaking and get panicky when I am at his house.  I am working through this with my therapist. 

If there are any step parents out there that can relate and can offer some advice, I would appreciate it...