MOTY
For the sake of background, our BM is an alienator. The kind where she doesn't explictly say anything against DH, but she makes it 100% clear what she thinks. She went so far as to have her now-XH file for cusotdy of the skids when she was deploying a couple of years ago. She also refuses to swap weekends when DH has to work and told SS (7 at the time, and who had been refusing visits because of her) that he only had to see dad for 480 minutes and has insisted that a 2 week vacation period equals 336 hours and not a minute more.
DH firmly believes that it's not in skids' best interests to be with BM at this point. Since the divorce from XH #2, she has been sowing her wild oats (she started well before the divorce, according to him). Several men, all of whom met the skids and some were left with them unattended. One of them told SD how much he wanted to sleep with her mother. DH has been calling out her behavior as it happens, of course, but the skids are feeling increasingly neglected in her home. She may be there physically, but she's much too busy to deal with them at the same time that she's super controlling. She's chaotic and the skids don't know what to expect from her.
Anyway, SD14 wants to attend school from our house because the high school in our area has a program she wants to do (7 minutes from BM's house, for the record), but we can't register her unless DH has 51% custody. SD told BM last fall that she wanted to move and then again in February. BM refuses to engage on it, despite multiple attempts from DH (like 10+ attempts), so he filed for custody of both skids.
Since that time, she's shifted up in her pursuit of the MOTY title, and that means an increase in the alienation activities, of course, because DH is incompetent/unsafe/not to be trusted. So last week she attended a routine dental appointment that she told DH to schedule on his time. This week, she's attending school activities for the skids, even though the skids have told her that it upsets them that she appears during DH's parenting time. SD14 literally had an anxiety attack last night when her BM showed up at school. (DH wasn't there, it was an activity for the kids.)
We know this is about BM trying to maintain control, and DH continues to call out the behavior, but it's so frustrating. I'm not the skids biggest fan, but what she's doing is just plain cruel. They're kids, even if I think they're creepy. I try to stay fairly disengaged, and certainly I don't interact directly with BM (she's barred from entering our property, so that's a thing), but as you would imagine, there's impact to everyone when both skids are emotional wrecks.
DH has resolved to file additional motions against her, including a bar to participating in school activities during the other's parenting time, but I'm not sure what else to suggest he do. Skids are in therapy, but the therapist has to balance both parents, so she won't address (or even validate) BM's poor behavior. And when you only deal with BM 45 minutes at a time, I'm sure her behavior doesn't seem as atrocious as it is.
Any suggestions for us (other than for me to completely disengage)?
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Comments
I know what you're dealing
I know what you're dealing with because we deal with this with BM alot...her doing things that are technically "right" for the wrong reasons.
Unfortunately there isnt much you can do about it since it's actually going to make you look really bad to complain about some of these things. She is absolutely allowed to attend their school events and trying to tell her otherwise make it look like you are alienating her. I'd be shocked if that doesnt backfire on you if it actually gets brought to court. It doesn't matter whose time it is. Also, she has no obligations to switch weekends with your husband, it's up to him to figure out a schedule that works with when he has the kids. And mom does not have to let the 14 year old switch schools just because she wants to - shes old enough that the court will take her opinion somewhat into consideration but its definitely not something she can just demand and it has to happen. Shes still a kid and that's an adult decision.
I know complete disengagement isnt the answer you want but you really dont have another choice that will bring much peace. if you only have weekends now (I think?) And find the kids creepy, you might really be kicking yourself if you end up having SD fulltime and wish you had just left things be.
I know you're right.
But God does it suck.
The only thing that I think works in DH's favor is that BM has a long history of not telling him about events, so that he couldn't attend if he wanted to. (Though she gets really good about following the rules when it's time for court.) And he's never said don't go, he's said that he isn't OK with it because of how the skids react.
Does he get school emails
Does he get school emails/newsletters about events? We never really have to get that info from BM because DH gets all the same info directly from the school (we have the same situation where BM is in a different school district a short distance away but SD goes to school in ours. The school always sends them both everything though.)
If it makes you feel any better when I first started dating DH BM was planning on moving 4 hours away and leaving SD with us fulltime. I was happy about that and couldn't wait for her to leave. After living with SD only half the time for a few years I now thank God that BM didnt move because I would be absolutely miserable if I had to live with SD fulltime. Dealing with BM is actually the lesser of 2 evils. We have drastically reduced the amount of contact with her though and basically parallel parent so that has also made it easier.
Yeah. I'm super torn.
I don't really want the skids with us any more than they already are, BUT I feel awful for them. Kids deserve decent parents and BM is a selfish sh*tstorm.
As far as getting stuff from the school, it's hit or miss for us. They send a lot of paperwork home, and that is certainly not forwarded regularly. DH follows both skids' schools on social media, but they don't make it easy for him. BM did everything she could at SS's school to poison the well when she was married to XH #2, up to and including removing DH from SS's contact list. She's a peach.
WIll SD14 tell a judge that
WIll SD14 tell a judge that she wants to go to the school in your district so that she can do the course study she wants?
She says she will
I'm not 100% sure, but BM's recent behavior is making SD completely miserable, and she's persistent with the request so far.
That would be the determining
That would be the determining factor. You could always file a motion to get 51% for school purposes and as long as SD is willing to tell the judge in chambers (they don't drag kids out to testify in front of parents) that she wants to complete a specific program that isn't offered at the school that her mom is zoned for and wants to go there and she feels that she would be happier in your home for more time, I doubt that it would be an issue.
The courts choose what is best for the kids (or at least try to do that). If the kid is trying for an educational program that her mom can't provide and you aren't trying to "steal" the kid away from the mom- I think you have a decent shot.
Custody petition has already
Custody petition has already been filed. SD knows that she will have to tell a judge (and/or a GAL) what she wants to do and that the judge will decide. I can't see where it would be an issue, either, and I think BM knows, too, which would explain some of her behavior.
Also, DH already has 36% custody, so we're not talking about a *MAJOR* change, except that BM wouldn't be primary custodian of SD. I just see no need for all this conflict. Skid wants this, there's not a reason not to do it.
Yeah, doing what is ACTUALLY
Yeah, doing what is ACTUALLY best for the kids seems to be so challenging for some reason....
Is your DH working in addition to going to school some weekends?
Can he handle 51% or is the plan that you will handle it? Can he not even take kid to a dental appointment, but wants 51%
He can handle his kids without an issue
I don't transport or manage his kids at all. In fact, because BM is so HC, I'm never alone with them.
He is more than willing/able to take skids to appointments, that's not an issue. In the situation I mentioned, BM asked him to make the appointment during his parenting time (Th-Mon AM EOW) and then she showed up anyway. He would like to be a parent to the skids without so much interference from her--and without her making the skids miserable.
Yeah, he has to tread very
Yeah, he has to tread very carefully there. She has every right to go to every appointment, and as the poster says above, if he goes in saying he doesn't want her at school events or appointments during his time, HE will look like an alienator.
I know of what I speak - the alienating BM in our case actually got a court judgement that said DH was alienating SS from HER. She got SS to lie and tell the judge that DH was pressuring him to live with us, after SS requested it himself. Shortly after that court experience, SS was completely alienated from DH for over 3 years.
Do not underestimate how easy it is for an alienating mother to manipulate the court and her kids to get what she wants.
BM does not want to lose
Child Support. She most likely is using a big part of that to living on. Those kids have a BM and BF and you are not one of them. They have to work out there problems. It’s not going to be all honey and roses if SD moves in. Let SD live with her BM and out of your home as they fight.
We’re going through
We’re going through alienation right now, too. BM’s latest thing is claiming how “traumatic” it is for both kids to see DH EOWE and how she needs to be in constant contact with them during his time.
Before DH had a life with me, he was - in BM’s view, just a pathetic single dad who could babysit for her whenever needed. As soon as it was clear that he moved on and that our life together is actually better than her life with her “husband”, she went full on alienation, telling the kids that we were trying to take them away from her. That DH “hates” her. That DH “caused the divorce”.
When she contacts the kids when they are with us, one gets upset and wants to “go home”. The other gets frantic about doing whatever his mother wants. Neither is really saavy enough to realize that what she is doing is manipulation.
It makes weekends with SKids unbearable for me, because it’s just one drama-filled episode after another. Last time, one Skid arrived pouting because BM was upset, but then we all went out and did something and he had fun. Then he had a friend over and had fun. Then he saw BM at his flag football game and tearfully wanted to go home. Then BM said “your dad will bring you home at 6pm” and he was fine. Also, he’s 13, not a toddler, so he shouldn’t need reassurance from his mother. She, however, has made him her emotional companion, so he feels like he always has to make her happy.
I sort of feel bad for my Skids that BM is being so manipulative, but I can’t fix it, so I have to back off. She’s always been manipulative, so they have a long road ahead of them. Soon enough, she won’t be able to blame DH for all of her problems and I’m sure she’ll turn on them.
Since she’s also tried to make me her “object of blame”, I’ve had to step away and since she tells the Skids that I “hate” her, I also have to be careful what I say around them. It’s definirely pushed me toward disengagement. I have moments where I just walk away when one Skid is having his regular, melodramatic meltdowns over something to do with BM.
Ugh, gotta love HC
Ugh, gotta love HC manipulative BMs! BM has trained SD to be just as manipulative and dramatic. I haven't heard the traumatized in a while but recently she was "too distraught" to come over actually DH actually stood his ground on something.
These women are something else. It would be great if they truly cared about the "best interest" of their child. Any time I hear that in regards to SD it isn't in her best interest....it is BM's control tactic.
DH recorded SD having a
DH recorded SD having a meltdown once and played it back for her. It was epic.