From the mouth of babes about being sad.
I'm very sad from the text message I received from FSD11 last night. It sounds like we may need to go to court to get primary custody. BM and FH divorced because of her method of conflict resolution. It seems FSD11 is the target lately.
FSD: Mama is mad at me.
ME: Why?
FSD: We were going to see a movie and I said yes but then I said no and she got upset, she wouldn't talk to me for 4 days and now she's at my aunt's house.
ME: Aw I'm sorry.
FSD: I'm just so flippin sad. I wish I could move in with you.
ME: We love you and we're here for you if you need us.
FSD: I've wanted to try to talk to my mom about it.
FH then called her and talked to her some. He didn't make promises and he didn't make suggestions that coming and living with us is something that necessarily will happen, but that we hear her and we support her.
I don't want feedback about how much we're getting into. I have been open to the idea that FSD could come and live with us as the primary residence one day. I would not have continued to pursue this relationship if it was something I was not okay with.
My poor girl. She's hurting. For as LC as our relationship has been with BM, it might blow up.
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Kids sometimes say things
Kids sometimes say things because they get in trouble with one parent so they run to the other parent without telling them what has happened and try to skew the situation. Not sure your whole story, but saying this could be a possibility.
Oh absolutely!
Everything is always a possibility. I do believe the silent treatment part though because according to FH that's BM's MO. My guess is that FSD11 was sassy about not wanting to go to the movies and BM got mad. Silent treatment for 4 days from a parent does start to sound excessive though! I am absolutely sure FSD wasn't a total little angel in this. She's got that preteen attitude for sure!
It sounds like you are being
It sounds like you are being supportive without bashing BM or encouraging her to move out. Great job!
I would tread cautiously here
I would tread cautiously here because what is being presented to you.. may or may not be the exact way things went down.
Did the girl perhaps throw her mother over for a "better offer"? Had mom made some arrangements to make it happen.. was the change of mind last minute?
I don't think this necessarily means that the girl needs to change homes.. unless she is left home alone and abandoned by her mom.. but mom being upset with her? probably not.
Obviously anything is possible.
But I don't really think that FSD is playing both sides, though it's always possible. I think it's possible there's more going on at home that we don't know about, but we are treading cautiously so we don't influence anything FSD thinks about her mom or her custody status, which obviously is something very much out of her control.
FH has indicated that if BM really did give her 11 year old the silent treatment for 4 days, if things continue to escalate as they did when they were married, it would be a reason to get her out of there. For as much as BM and FH can work together now, it took years of therapy for FH after the divorce because of BM's lack of conflict resolution skills and doing things to him that were emotionally abusive. If that is going on in the home, which I can't say for certain it is, that would be a reason to take the case back to court.
I don't think FSD is saying this lightly though or trying to go to the "fun house" (which I actually don't think we are considered.) We live 2 hours away from FSD and BM, so if FSD did move in with us as the primary home she would have to switch schools and leave her friends. Being a 6th grader (and whining her friends aren't around when she is at our house,) I don't think she would make a statement to move 2 hours away lightly.
Obviously though like I said, anything is possible. But it's still something that needs to be monitored.
Instead of going straight to
Instead of going straight to court, why doesn’t fdh suggest a meeting with him, BM, fsd so they can work it out. This will prevent fsd from playing both sides of the coin. If fsd says she wants to live with DH more than you can see how BM reacts.
That's a great idea.
And if necessary maybe a mediator.
ALL kids play parents against
ALL kids play parents against eachother, especially when in trouble-even MORE so when they from divorced homes. And this is already almost a 'late' age for her to start this-so keep that in mind. A 4 day silent treatment is abusive, I agree. That said VERY hard to get a change of custody based on this or even what kid 'wants' unless she's at least 14 yrs old- and normally mom would have to agree (doubtful is she's losing CS as well).
If I delete your comment it's because you're an...
I am leaving constructive advice up. I will not tolerate people berating my FSD for absolutely no reason. She's a standard 11 year old girl. She can have an attitude. But making light of how her mother is treating her currently and implying I would do the same is gross and unacceptable and I won't tolerate people talking about her that way.
Harry - sorry you are so bitter that you clearly hate your stepchildren. I do not hate mine.
Girl crush on you today!
Girl crush on you today! Love the delete button!
It's not going to be just a
It's not going to be just a matter of your FH going to the Judge and saying, "Welp, your honor, I think it's time to give me primary custody." It will be a long and drawn out custody battle that BM will likely win, for the sole reason that she has ladybits.
My SS used to flip sides all the time - when he was mad at BM, he'd suddenly love our house. At one point, at 14, he even decided he wanted to live with us. 10K later, he decided he wanted to live with BM because he had a girlfriend in the school he was in, in her district - so he lied to the judge and said we pressured him to come live with us, and DH got a scathing rebuke from the judge. SS stopped coming to our house at all for 3 years after that debacle.
Just try to be supportive of the kid without thinking about getting custody of her. Unless BM is absolutely neglecting her or abusing her (yes, silent treatment is emotional abuse, but hard to prove) - then just be a support to her.
Yep, our BM had CPS called on
Yep, our BM had CPS called on her 13 times until they finally removed the skids and that was bc BM punched SD and the school saw the bruises, and BM was living with a registered sex offender that molested young girls, and SD was 9 at the time.
Exactly. They won't be aghast
Exactly. They won't be aghast at her giving SD the silent treatment and hand over custody.
That’s horrifying
I doubt this is enough to get custody changed
Does dad have the right an access to call her? Is there a landline? Even if the mom is not speaking to her (and even perfectly normal kids exaggerate things), it would help if dad can at least check in with her, and It is a think line between caring for kid and undermining other parent.
In terms of calling,
Yeah, she has a cellphone that he can and does call every few days.
I’m currently out of town and FSD is with FH this weekend. FH said during the switch BM didn’t say a word to him either which is unusual. Not sure what’s going on.
SayNoKidsChitChat
I am uninterested in your feedback considering your poor view of stepparenting. If you have constructive feedback I’m more than open to listening. Saying it’s a mistake because she’s not my kid isn’t welcome here. She might not be my biological child, but she IS the biological child of my partner and he does have a responsibility to take care of her physical and mental wellbeing. I am not initiating anything. I am his support.
get out of here. I am an involved stepmom. I am not trying to take the role of mother. But that doesn’t mean I need viewpoints of people who actively hate stepparenting.